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Crock, 1/25/11

Today we have an excellent demonstration of the inner workings of the underimagined hell-world that is Crock. Our action involves Figowitz, who is always slouched despondently against the exterior wall of the Foreign Legion’s fort, and Captain Preppie, who for dramatic reasons should be shown sitting jauntily with his legs crossed. Except: there is no furniture upon which the good captain can place his shapely buttocks in Figowitz’s blasted desert sitting-spot! What to do? Summon a vaguely cuboid sitting-box out of nowhere, of course. Once Preppie gets up to stroll away, this mysterious plinth can simply vanish into the ether of narrative convenience out of which it emerged.

On a surely totally unrelated note, the chunk missing from Preppie’s right elbow in panel one is no doubt of aesthetic significance too sublime to be understood by a ruffian such as myself; we certainly shouldn’t assume that this particular drawing of the handsome captain has been carelessly cut and pasted from an earlier strip.

Apartment 3-G, 1/25/11

Normally when your new boyfriend drives you to a creepy abandoned house somewhere in New Jersey, that’s a sign of very bad news to come. But Paul drives a huge, pearly white Hummer! He must be a classy guy!

Marvin, 1/25/11

The WikiLeaks saga, combining as it does political intrigue, cloak-and-dagger spy drama, philosophical debates about the merits of openness vs. secrecy in different realms, and accusations of sexual assault, has enough inherent drama to serve as a the foundation for a whole series of fascinating novels. Or, if you’re Marvin, you could use it as the basis for a pun about pissing yourself!

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Apartment 3-G, 1/20/11

“We are not in the same boat, Tommie! Do you hear me? Not the same! Never have been! Never will be!”

Actually, while I love mocking a good Margo beatdown as much as the next guy, I honestly have no idea what Tommie is talking about. Margo is managing multiple businesses and overextended, and Tommie is … what, exactly? Maybe she has her own wedding planning business too, just like Margo, except it’s super boring so the strip never bothers to show us anything about it.

Family Circus, 1/20/11

“Grandma also says that most kids these days ride in child seats, or at least get buckled in by seatbelts, but Daddy doesn’t really care if we live or die.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/20/11

“Tarnation! Y’say thar’s a store bringing the devil’s commerce into our subsistance agriculture-based economy? Time t’get together a torch-wieldin’ mob!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/18/10

Holy cow, you guys, I’ve been totally neglecting my duties to bring you the latest Rex Morgan storyline, mostly because it hasn’t even started out interesting, and we all know that the Rex Morgan problem is that Rex Morgan starts interesting and then gets boring, so who even knows how dull this is going to get. Anyway, to summarize briefly: Berna, Rex and June’s receptionist, won the lottery, and she insists that non-financial experts Rex and June manage her winnings. Today we learn why: she was once rich herself, heiress to a vast hardware store fortune, but all that money was swindled away by a MONEY MANAGER. This would be Berna’s superhero origin story, if being terrified of having all your money stolen by a financial planner were a superpower, which, for the record, it is not. Rex and June are so shocked by this shocking revelation that the blue goo that sloshes around the parts of their skull where ordinary humans keep their brains has started to leak out through their temples.

Mary Worth, 1/18/11

I have of course been giving you near-daily updates on Mary Worth, since it continues to be amazing. Today, after belching forth the language-like utterance “I’m glad because I feel the same!”, Scott, his eyes suddenly glowing orange, thrusts his simian face into Adrian’s personal space. Watch as she playfully/desperately attempts to keep him at a distance. Save it for the honeymoon, tiger!

Apartment 3-G, 1/18/11

Remember last year, when the Apartment 3-G drama was driven by Tommie’s anxiety over Lu Ann and Margo’s bickering? Well, I guess her newfound confidence has put an end to that. “Yawn! Borr-ing! Get back to me when you gals start pulling each other’s hair, OK?”

Shoe, 1/18/11

Meanwhile, the bird-men of Shoe are apparently peeing on each other, what the hell.