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Family Circus, 7/7/15

I love that Dolly has a bible tucked under her arm as she announces that she’d rather chow down on endless Clark Bars in hell than rule in heaven. The implication is that she didn’t even go online to one of several convenient Bible websites to do a text search for “chocolate”; no, she read through the whole thing looking for evidence of her favorite foodstuff and failed to find it, almost as if it had been written by people who lived in the Old World in the time before the Columbian Exchange began. Mostly I’m impressed that she got through an entire book that vividly describes, among other things, gang rape, genocide, incest, and bear magic, and she decided that the absence of chocolate was the hill she was going to die on.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/7/15

I was going to go off on a rant about how dumb and unrealistic this was — did they not put down a deposit? did they not read this guy’s Yelp reviews? does nobody have an iPhone’s worth of music they can just put on shuffle? — but then I got distracted by that link cleverly tucked between the first and second panels. There are a bunch of Funkyverse books, guys! All published by Kent State, a public university, presumably as part of its education mission! There’s one that collects the Crankshaft storylines about Alzheimer’s, and it’s called Roses in December: A Story of Love and Alzheimer’s, even though it actually contains two distinct stories! This is the greatest discovery of my week so far!

Dennis the Menace, 7/7/15

I love the knowing look Henry is flashing the reader here. “Heh heh, it wasn’t a big cake that convinced her to marry me. It was something else big, if you know what I mean! I mean my penis. That something was my penis. I have a big penis.”

Apartment 3-G, 7/7/15

This Apartment 3-G plot may still not make any sense, but at least we get to enjoy Margo trying and failing to coin a sassy new catchphrase. “That’s a heck to the no, am I right, everybody? This is how cool people talk! Let me hear a shoutout from my fellow cool people on this!”

Momma, 7/7/15

OH MY GOD MOMMA MADE AN CULTURAL REFERENCE THAT IS ACCURATE FOR A YOUNG WOMAN MARYLOU’S AGE, MY MIND HAS EXPLODED EVERYWHERE

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Apartment 3-G, 7/4/15

FUN FACT: Current Apartment 3-G artist Frank Bolle did the interior illustrations for many of the beloved Choose Your Own Adventure books published in the 1970s and ’80s, and I’m sincerely hoping today’s strip is a tribute to this. What exactly will the confusing, unsatisfying explanation for the recent weirdness in the strip surrounding Margo be? It all depends on you!

Mark Trail, 7/4/15

This Mark Trail strip is definitely from the opening minutes of a movie where a terrible plague makes the jump from shark to man, maybe transforming those unlucky few who don’t die right away into monstrous shark-human hybrids. So it’s probably for the best that Ken is calling in Mark Trail instead of, like, an actual veteranarian or some other kind of biologist or medical professional. We’ll need all of those we can get once the mass deaths really start getting underway; no need to expose them to the virus on day one.

Mary Worth, 7/4/15

Oh my God, Adam’s eye, staring emptily into the middle distance as Terry moves in for her smooch, is my everything. He’s finally won her heart — but at what cost? He suddenly realizes that the only way to stoke the fires of love within her is to join with her in escalating acts of violence. Sure, tonight they just subdued a convenient mugger, but he knows that won’t sate her bloodlust for long. Soon they’ll need to maim, to kill, and soon they won’t even use vigilante justice as a pretense. You’ve made your bed, Adam, and now you’ve got to lie in it.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/4/15

This comic is here to remind you that the desperately poor are generally too busy with trying to survive to work for political change, and most revolutions erupt when an emerging middle class finds that they lack a political outlet for the rising economic power. Happy Fourth of July, America!

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Apartment 3-G, 7/1/15

As we continue to wander ever deeper into the Apartment 3-G Mists Of Barely Coherent Narrative, we can count on one thing still making sense: that Lu Ann will have no idea how any aspect of the real world works. “Hi, I own a third share of this apartment, and I’m just calling my share ‘the apartment,’ and it’s in the most expensive real estate market in the country, but I’m gonna just walk away from it! Hey, you could give it to charity! Wouldn’t that be extremely useful for everyone involved, if a nonprofit just owned a third of the apartment you lived in, for some reason?”

Hagar the Horrible, 7/1/15

For too long, Hagar the Horrible has soft-pedaled what life in the Viking Age was really all about: the constant threat of being disemboweled.

Mary Worth, 7/1/15

Oh, you didn’t think that all around bad-ass Adam just used a cane as a mobility aid, did you? Nope, that’s a weapons-grade cane, son!

Mark Trail, 7/1/15

“Still growing your hair long?”
“Yes, Mark, I–”
[Mark hangs up phone]
[Mark throws phone into the lake]