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Gil Thorp, 7/20/10

Oh, look, it’s two kids named after gated housing developments who are bratty and so notorious that Gil’s heard of them both! This addition of irritating, privileged WASP teens is probably Gil Thorp’s misguided attempt to cash in on Gossip Girl fever, several months after it faded.

Apartment 3-G, 7/20/10

Oh, man, this A3G storyline is determined to keep bringing us new delights, isn’t it? The best part about today is how quickly Tommie has switched allegiances to the latest mean girl to come on the scene and tell her what to do. Forget you, Margo, it’s all about Kat now! Oh, God, we can’t keep Kat waiting! I’ve put on my robin’s-egg-blue sweatshirt, do you think it’s ugly enough? Will Kat think it’s ugly enough?

Crock, 7/20/10

I know the kids like their comics “dark” and “edgy” these days, but I’m not sure I’m ready for Crock to devolve into Eli Roth-style torture porn.

Mary Worth, 7/20/10

That’s right, ladies: when a man doesn’t call you after a date, it’s probably because he can’t deal with how intense his feelings for you are. It’s all detailed in my new dating advice book, He’s Just Into You So Very, Very Much That He Doesn’t Know How To Express It. These sorts of plot developments explain why Mary Worth isn’t more widely read: it’s too raw, too real.

Family Circus, 7/20/10

Billy, you don’t have to do what that man says! He’s obviously no police officer: He’s a stripper-cop, and he’s just a little lost as he looks for that oceanside bachelorette party he was hired to entertain.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 7/20/10

“Or if he hears it from my wife, or one of the twelve other people I shot my mouth off to about it on my way into work today.”

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Mary Worth, 7/18/10

All you whippersnappers out there, finding love on the so-called “Internet”: Does Match.com provide this level of service? Does it provide a bony, leathery shoulder to cry on after your date fails to follow up a little light beach dancing with nonstop attention? Does it provide rock-solid references and assurances about the character of your potential inamorata, based on about ten minutes of awkward, twitchy conversation? Does it promise to pursue that caddish failure of a human being to the depths of hell itself if necessary to make him love you?

The final panel of this strip shows the proper attitude to take towards a cell phone that might at any moment attempt to broadcast Mary Worth’s voice at you. Hold it at arm’s length, watch it warily, and hurl it as far away as you can at the first sign of trouble.

Mark Trail, 7/18/10

Look, kids, if you get eaten by a bear or shark, don’t come crying to Mark, OK? These majestic beasts don’t follow your so-called human “morality” or “law.” This may be Mark’s own way of justifying his insatiable desire to punch hairy people; his violent actions are governed entirely by instinct, and have no more relation to an ethical code than a skunk’s spraying.

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 7/18/10

Oh, God, it’s even more delightful than I could have imagined! I particularly like Lu Ann regarding that bottle of delicious, delicious gin with her eyes crossed. Can we just jettison the whole makeover plot and get two weeks of “Margo and Lu Ann get blotto”?

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Dick Tracy, 7/17/10

Dick, it’s obvious that anyone who would pay good money to see a play starring you would do so in the anticipation of carnage. Your appearing before the audience bruised and bandaged is a good start, but they probably will quickly grow bored with your jawing, and will start shouting angry demands that you show them the corpses.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/17/10

Kudos to Res Morgan for having a storyline about prostate cancer that will be non-sensationalist and not suffused with Funky Winkerbean-style gloom; still, there seems to be a disconnect between Rex’s soothing words and the mayor’s dramatically gobsmacked expression in panel three. “Grandkids? But … but I don’t have any grandkids!” “Oh, yeah, about that, your 16-year-old daughter was here the other day, and…”

Apartment 3-G, 7/17/10

Angry Margo + emotionally vulnerable Lu Ann + tiny bottles of booze = inevitable sexy hilarity.