Post Content

Spider-Man, 7/2/09

After a few terrifying and disorienting days in which super-powered characters were locked in something resembling combat, Spider-Man has returned to its more reassuringly typical fare of whining and overblown anxiety. Like many a disappointed visitor, Wolverine is discovering that there are literally only two entertainment options in New York: feeding pigeons or seeing plays featuring the stars of direct-to-DVD superheroine films.

Meanwhile, Spidey is worried about Wolverine discovering that he’s married to Mary Jane for reasons that he can’t even bring himself to speak aloud as he web-slings his way aimlessly through Manhattan. Honest question, from someone less conversant in the superhero genre than you might think: do superheroes need to hide their secret identities even from … each other? I mean, did Superman and Batman hang around the Justice League and Batman would say, “You know what really bugs me? The liberal media! Like, have you read that Clark Kent guy? He’s so obviously biased!” and then Superman would say “Well, what about that jerk Bruce Wayne? Inherited all that money and is he doing anything worthwhile with it? He’s probably putting most of it into overseas tax dodges!” That all just seems awkward.

On the other hand, Spidey may just be worried that Wolverine will figure things out, and after seeing MJ’s latest wooden, unlikable performance, think, “Geez, Spider-Man married that no-talent hack? I think so much less of him now!” Don’t worry, Spidey: he can’t possibly think any less of you than he already does.

Apartment 3-G, 7/2/09

OK, Nora, we know it’s a woman’s prerogative to tweak her both the style and color of her hair on a whim, and normally I’d say that I like what those highlights are doing for you. But look, hair is literally the only way we have to tell Apartment 3-G characters apart, and so when a single character goes from a Marilyn Quayle flip to something short and spunky to this shaggy number with bangs here, it makes it hard for us readers to get our grip. Please, the men are already a lost cause; don’t encourage the women to become wholly unrecognizable as well!

Crankshaft, 7/2/09

Aww, did someone’s editor finally get a complaint from the syndicate’s legal department about his main character’s pyromaniacal tendencies? I think that, rather than annoy us with this pissy, passive-aggressive caption, the strip should have taught us a valuable lesson by showing us the consequences of violence, particularly if those consequences include the horrible, hateful Crankshaft being blinded, or at least losing a hand.

Post Content

Archie, 6/23/09

Here is a comedy tip for you: humor grounded in the specific is always funnier and more vivid than jokes about vague, abstract nouns. Thus, I would argue that the lame pun for which this strip is the ostensible vehicle is redeemed to a certain extent by the amusing notion that Archie, Jughead, and Nameless Car Pool Denizen #3 are not just going to some random teenage job, but have actually taken up careers as carnies, for some reason. More delightful still is the insane tableau in the second panel: Archie’s boss has clearly been beaten down by the realities of life as a wrangler of sullen teenagers and burnouts, buyer of giant stuffed pandas and a fryer grease in bulk, and briber of ride safety inspectors, but he still has enough of his belief that amusement park management might be insanely lucrative (no doubt developed over years of playing Roller Coaster Tycoon) that he decided to wear his tie covered with dollar signs to work. No doubt he’ll lose that faith altogether when he turns around to see one his fursuit characters, a giant squirrel thing not currently trademarked by any major media conglomerate, attempting to capture and kill a child, the crazed eyes of a serial killer gleaming madly out of the rodent’s grinning mouth.

Mark Trail, 6/23/09

Actually, Mark didn’t say anything of the kind, Cherry, as his only comments about the appearance and attractiveness of mammals involves the phrase “healthy, shiny coat.” Your transparent jealousy and shameless smoochery may in fact backfire, as the thing he most likes about country girls is that they find the intermittent sexual relations that are apparently a required aspect of marriage just as terrifying and unpleasant as he does.

Apartment 3-G, 6/23/09

All important information in this storyline is apparently going to be conveyed by having characters thrust newspapers at one another, so you may wonder why the voyage to India’s most blandly decorated hotel was even necessary at all. Obviously, though, without this trip we wouldn’t be graced with the hilariously offensive series of Margoisms that we’re going to get. “Dad, there are cows in the street! Everybody here is dirty, and nobody is white! They don’t take American money! The Indian food here is terrible!”

Beetle Bailey, 6/23/09

This is honestly one of the saddest and most poignant Beetle Baileys ever. It should probably be on the front page of the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network home page.

Post Content

Your COTW momentarily, but first, I must once again point you in the direction of blog post from Margaret Shulock, writer for Apartment 3-G. Not only is Shulock the mind behind the A3G storylines and one of the six chicks of Six Chix, she’s also, as this post revealed, one of the writers for Snuffy Smith! Mind-bogglingly, this blog post shows that Snuffyisms sometimes start drifting into the A3G world, and, in this follow-up comment, reveals that she knows all too well how terrifying Margo Magee is. (Thanks to faithful reader Greg for the tip!)

Ahem! And with that, here is your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Is there some reason why Daddy Keane spends his week off standing around at home, wearing a coat and tie, yelling at his spouse? Maybe I’m misunderstanding. Maybe Billy doesn’t mean ‘off’ as in ‘off work,’ but as in ‘do these leftovers smell a bit off?'” –wagmore barkless

And the amusing runners-up!

“Kudos to Mr. Woody Wilson for this delightfully silly story. However, he missed a wonderful opportunity. With better timing, Godiva could have made her entrance at cheerleader tryouts riding a horse, just like her namesake. We wouldn’t have to cringe at her ill-fitting capri pants.” –Fashion Police

“‘Let’s not grow old’? Sorry, Garfield’s schtick grew old some time during the Reagan administration.” –sully

“Why is Shannon such an apparently angry child? Because she’s drawn poorly? Because the ‘fun afternoon’ cousin Toni promised is ‘visiting’ with a banged-up invalid? Because Brad doesn’t have cable?” –bats :[

“The theme of this week’s Family Circus is the Keanes’ inevitable decline into homelessness. Tuesday was the revelation of the empty bank account. Wednesday, Daddy is kicking snack machines in order to get free groceries. By Friday, the Keanes will be living in their car, with Jeffy firmly locked in the trunk.” –Elizabeth Helena

“In today’s Wild Kingdom of Suburbia, the mother soothes her daughter’s nerves by picking the nits out of her hair. This is a gesture of affection between primates and not at all creepy.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

On “sexting” in Gil Thorp: “Maybe there’s a more appropriate term better suited to this plot. PG-thirteening? Textitlating? Annoying?” –PeteMoss

“Now look, you two, we all know the human body is an eldritch, terrifying thing, but as gym teachers I figure you two are the closest I have on staff to understanding it. Please deal with the charges of mild nudity that have been brought to my attention while I sit here learning new portmanteaus from the Internet. ” –Black Drazon

“Add ‘unusually strong wrists’ to Delilah’s list of accomplishments (right under: ‘is prodigy’). I’ve never seen anyone hold an entire galvanized bucket full of the severed fingers of children at quite that angle.” –Jeremiah

“If we want to talk about felonies, does Dr. Pearl know that two of her coaches are knowingly attempting to give the entire baseball team hyperthermia?” –Alan’s Addiction

“That first panel in Gil Thorp is so full of despair. Letter-M t-shirt guy sits next to a girl crying into her giant ravioli. Maybe it’s because they only have mucilage to drink.” –Patrick

“‘Where’s Town Park Beach?’ ‘Down behind Town Park Beach Hill, just follow Town Park Beach Road.’ ‘Ah, next to Town Park Beach Park!’ Well, at least they’re concrete. Herb and Jamaal would call them all ‘Noun Noun Noun Noun’.” –5-Sigma Freud

“Finally, headway has been made for a Family Circus-themed video game. ‘Bil Keane’s Pro Skater’ is slated to hit shelves December 14, 2009. I’ve got a lawn chair and a blanket, ready to camp out on the sidewalk along my nearest Best Buy. Black dashed line Easter Egg, bitches!” –Thorzul

“Meanwhile Lu Ann is, predictably, baffled and terrified by the phone’s evil magic. ‘When are you coming home, baby?’ [Crickets.] ‘But, I AM home … Ruby?!? Is that you? Where’s Tommie? How’d you get in the little box with TOMMIE?!'” –boojum

“In the first pic, ‘Daddy’s’ actually surprised at the news of his cuckoldry; in the second, he’s grown accustomed to it. ‘Yes, that’s your mother’s cult leader, alright.'” –Rock Ripsnort

“It’s kind of sad that Billy (age 7) has a better grasp on actual human body proportions than either his dad or his creator. Maybe years of sneaking peeks at daddy’s secret magazines and a house with no mirrors (or ‘devil glass’) has actually taught him an artistic skill, which shall be beaten out of him once the pastor is summoned.” –walty

“My God, Crankshaft is the most likable character in this strip! I wish I could jump into the strip and do something really offensive on their kitchen floor. You wanna act horrified? I’ll give ya something to be horrified about!” –Donald the Anarchist

“What’s a ‘tramp stamp’? Does it have something to do with ‘sexting’? Did Time or Newsweek happen to write about this?” –teddytoad

“I love how the Hitler family is too afraid of Maramduke to clean up the growing pile of picnic baskets, despite the potential attention of the police. Perhaps they hope a SWAT team will finally take down the beast. They are wrong.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“The artists at Mary Worth must own dogs. The expression she wears, the angle of her head when she asks Delilah what’s stopping her, is identical to that of a basset hound who walks in on a couple having sex.” –NoahSnark

“I’m constantly amazed that anyone in Funky Winkerbean would name their child something as upbeat as Summer when there are far bleaker and more depressing seasons available.” –Carrie

“Wow, Mary Worth. Way to jump right into someone’s personal business. ‘Larry and I wanted to have children of our own.’ ‘What’s stopping you? ARE YOU BARREN?'” –Mdgoldrush1984

“I can’t ask him to stop … but I can make him, by stabbing him with this eating utensil.” –Carly

“I must figure out how to enlarge that second panel with Mary’s face and print it out so I can put it on my fridge. I can feel the pounds dropping off now.” –Poteet

“So, Delilah’s favorite dish is ‘chunks.’ Toby prefers briquettes, while Jeff likes slabs. Put them together, and you’ve got the combo meal at the Olive Garden in Hell.” –gkl

“Beetle Bailey gives us a whole strip full of punching/eating puns, yet there’s not a single mention of the ‘knuckle sandwich.’ What have these guys been doing all these years, if not memorizing the language of vicious beatings?” –BigTed

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.