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Funky Winkerbean, 4/24/09

“What? No, I’m not dying … of anything specific. It’s just … well, can’t you feel the hovering specter of death, floating around this town? Don’t you know deep in your bones that we’re all destined for an awful fate? Don’t you feel like at any minute we could be yanked off of this stage in a gruesome and arbitrary fashion, just on some unseen power’s whim? I know my life here is grim, but I still want to postpone that terrible moment for as long as possible.”

Apartment 3-G, 4/24/09

Obviously I would have preferred that Tommie had burned her attacker’s face off as I predicted rather than just giving him a seemingly harmless spritz up his nose. Still, this move may be smarter than it seems at first. After all, the currently red-headed Dr. Kelly was a blond in March and had brown hair in January. Obviously his current aggressive behavior is a result of his mind being taken over by a sinister alien parasite that’s taken over his brain; this creature has perched atop his head, for the most part assuming the appearance of human hair, but unable to maintain a consistent color due to quirks in its unearthly biology. The first step to defeating this monster is to immobilize it, as Tommie is doing with a generous application of generic hairspray.

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Apartment 3-G, 4/23/09

It’s obvious that Tommie, the most passive of the three 3-G girls, isn’t going to fight or think her way out her current contretemps with three-time Creepy, Dangerous Father Of The Year winner Joe Kelly. Today, the contours of her rescue by braver souls are taking shape. First, Ruby will blind the not-so-good doctor by throwing toxic cleaning agents into his eyes; then, when he falls to the floor in pain, Margo will beat him to death with her umbrella.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/23/09

Hootin’ Holler’s only clergyman is a greedy fraud, so it should come as no surprise that the religious educational level of the shantytown’s children is in such a low state.

Crankshaft, 4/23/09

The guardians of baseball’s integrity have failed to stem the tide of substance-driven cheating with arguments such as “Cheating violates the integrity of baseball!” and “Using performance-enhancing drugs will harm your health!” As a result, they’re breaking out the heavy artillery. “Do you know who cheats at baseball? Do you? Dirty, filthy communists, that’s who!”

Crock, 4/23/09

The Lost Patrol has been wandering in the desert for years now with only each other for company, so it’s really no surprise that all four of them have herpes at this point. But it’s still kind of awkward to bring up, dude.

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Curtis, 4/21/09

Ah, the innocence of youth! Way back in 2004, I found it unrealistic that Barry Wilkins would drop the word “chutzpah” into conversation. That, of course, was before Barry’s elder brother belched out the nonsense word-sequence “Say, they’ve set up a children’s biodiversity crafts and games stand,” making any quibbles about culturally specific vocabulary very much besides the point. At least I’m sure that some human somewhere has actually said “chutzpah.”

Apartment 3-G, 4/21/09

Tommie, if you defend yourself from sinister Dr. Joe by turning that can of HAIR SPRAY™ brand hairspray into a makeshift flamethrower, à la Rorschach from Watchmen, I will take back every bad thing I ever said about you.

And speaking of bad things, let’s look at just exactly what it is that Tuesday’s comics thought would make good grist for some light-hearted humor, shall we?

Crock, 4/21/09

Starvation.

Hi and Lois, 4/21/09

The naked exercise of economic privilege.

B.C., 4/21/09

Treasonous collaboration with a murderous oppressor.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/21/09

The gradual but unstoppable physical decline each one of us faces as we age, every new day being another step towards the grave.

Marvin, 4/21/09

The pungent odor of human excrement.