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Ziggy, 4/1/09

That’s right, Ziggy! Borneo has many exotic and exciting tourist attractions that might be just a thing to put a smile on your face! Would you be interested in going on a jungle trek or swimming with dolphins? Perhaps a big city is more your style — you might want to experience historic Kuching, with its fascinating cuisine that reflects the region’s cultural mix! Or maybe you just want to relax on the beach. Borneo has it all! If you’re after a good exchange rate, well, depending on which side of the border you travel to, the Indonesian Rupiah is currently at 11,500 to the dollar, and the Malaysian Ringgit at about 3.60 to the dollar — definitely high historically, but better than it was six months ago, that’s for sure — and your money still goes much further than it would in Europe or the Caribbean!

Oh, wait, isn’t there supposed to be a joke here of some sort? Uh … ha, ha, that man accidentally left the house with no pants on!

Hagar the Horrible, 4/1/09

Oh, look, yet another cartoon character is begging her God for release from the terrible situation that defines her role in the strip. Poor Helga, who was no doubt either captured by Hagar’s viking band in a raid that left her village destroyed or handed over to the Norse chieftain by her father in order to avoid such an attack, has no recourse to improve her life but divine intervention. I’m curious as to which religious hierarchy she’s beseeching here, though. Is it the new God and his Son, recently imported from the south, or is it Odin and his pantheon, the old Gods of her people? If the latter, her requests might be bumped a little further up the queue with a human sacrifice or two. Surely her pacifist son Hamlet would make a choice offering?

Apartment 3-G, 4/1/09

See, there is an advantage to living with Margo: you can have conversations with enraged, half-asleep, foul-mouthed, possibly drunk or high women in their underwear, and still maintain that vacant little smile, unfazed, as if this happens to you every day, because it does.

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Gil Thorp, 3/28/09

“Hey, Josh,” you’re probably wondering, “How did the winter Gil Thorp story finally play out?” Well, Gil managed to convince the Larkins (who are black) that it would be racist to move back to New York City to take a lucrative job that would help Mr. Larkin get his career back on track, and take the family away from the awful town where the kids are dating juvenile delinquents! Brenda Larkin marked the permanence of her presence in Loserville, USA, by blowing a key shot in the big game, thus keeping the Lady Mudlarks out of the playdowns, again. (The boys’ team’s fate wasn’t even discussed, so presumably they weren’t even in contention.) Then a career criminal, Ted Ex Machina, confessed to the convenience store hold-up that put all this in motion. And today, the one bit of whimsy and joy this plotline has given us — the fact that Ashley got robbed of a case of Nutboys (“It’s Nutty!”) — has been retroactively erased in Orwellian fashion. THEY WERE NUTBOYS, DO YOU HEAR ME? NOT ZAGNUTS! NUTBOYS! Now, for the love of all that’s vaguely wacky, let’s move on to baseball season.

In the final panel, we have confirmed what we’ve known all along: that Milford is a sort of Jerusalem for everyone who’s given up on doing anything with their lives.

Family Circus, 3/29/09

I’m not sure what’s sadder: that the Keanes view representational art as sacrilegious, and thus only decorate their otherwise blank walls with exuberance-restricting commands in terrifying blackletter font, or that said commands are so routinely disobeyed in the Keane Kompound, which is best known for the sounds of morons shrieking malapropisms.

Luann, 3/29/09

“You’ll be making crepes for me. While I wait in bed. Your bed. Which is where I’ll sleep, after I’ve captured and subdued you with my muscular, prehensile head-tail. Even now, it’s curling and uncurling at the tip, in eager anticipation of the moment when it will strike and wrap around you with its anaconda-like strength.”

Apartment 3-G, 3/29/09

“Aunt Carol thinks that being a child of divorce, like pretty much half of everybody in America today, and having a father with a lucrative medical career is the equivalent of growing up in a squalid refugee camp in the middle of a war zone! Aunt Carol has absolutely no God-damned sense of proportion.”

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Mark Trail, 3/27/09

Our two cons are clearly taking the wrong tack here, as it’s fairly obvious that Rusty has no idea what money is. In that third panel, it looks as if his initial desire upon seeing a big wad of cash is to eat it.

Marvin, 3/27/09

“Plus, we agreed that we could never risk creating another horror equal to Marvin. That’s why we had you castrated.”

Ziggy, 3/27/09

At last, someone has grown so disgusted with Ziggy’s pantsless, self-loathing antics that they’ve decided to poison him.

Apartment 3-G, 3/27/09

“Well, if he doesn’t want his colon to ‘jam’ up, he should try some Health Flakes™! They’re nutritious and palatable!”