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Spider-Man, 1/2/09

If there’s one thing you have to respect Spider-Man for, it’s its recognition of its own narrative limitations. A strip with more self-confidence might try to weave a coherent storyline, dropping crucial bits of information in expository dialog that’s been carefully tailored to seem natural, to establish the changed dramatic milieu. But the Spider-Man newspaper strip would fail utterly at that, obviously, so instead it just keeps interrupting itself every few panels to shriek “THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING! IT’S FOR REASONS RELATED TO THE COMIC BOOK, WHICH YOU DON’T READ! ISN’T IT AWESOME AND INTRIGUING?” at you.

By the way, contrary to anything the final panel might have you believe, there will be absolutely no surprises in store in the Spider-Man newspaper strip ever again, or at least not until it makes another arbitrary time/profession/relationship jump eighteen months after something vaguely similar happens in the comic books. “Now Spidey is divorced, working as a systems analyst, and living in Bay Ridge! He’s still a putz, though.”

Marvin, 1/2/09

I have no idea why Marvin, who revels in his non-potty-trained status, is in this grim death-line to the now-extended family’s single toilet. Presumably he’s going to wait until everyone starts feeling really uncomfortable due to nature’s call, then crap in his pants, just because he can.

Apartment 3-G, 1/2/09

It was probably inevitable that the Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly For Tommie’s Love would eventually devolve into The Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly In Which Each Attempts To Fob Tommie’s Love Off Onto The Other.

Ziggy, 1/2/09

Jeez, Ziggy, you’re looking awful mopey there for someone whose pharmacist is scoring him some prescription medication for recreational use. Try to make an effort, huh?

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Apartment 3-G, 12/23/08

Oh, Margo! I’m not sure who you’re trying convince. I think it’s pretty clear that you’ve already spent lots of time “exploring” your future husband’s “private domain.”

It’s obvious that I’m talking about Eric’s penis, right? Good.

Anyway, I’d like to say right now that when I finally get around to starting a band, our first album will be called This Isn’t Snooping It’s Serious Business. It will feature the hit single “My Future Husband’s Private Domain.”

Funky Winkerbean, 12/23/08

I tried — I really, really tried — to not think about the last few days (weeks? it seemed like forever) of Les freaking out about his teenage daughter’s budding sexuality as he assessed the sluttiness of her various potential Winterfest outfits. But now that he will apparently be watching her every move on the dance floor, watching with eagle eyes to determine just how far her or her date’s hands venture towards the Forbidden Zones, I feel like I can ignore it no longer.

Naturally, Les will justify his control freakery by reference to his beloved dead wife Lisa, whose sex parts were not under her father’s constant vigilance and who therefore had a baby as a teenager. This blast from his family’s past has led Les to the obvious conclusion — that all women are whores, and that their reproductive processes must, for their own good, be kept under strict control. Whee, this dance is going to be awesome!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/23/08

Sure, because if there’s one thing that helps toddlers sleep well at night, it’s the knowledge that they’re being looked down on by some terrifying grinning space-demon who can see their every move.

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Mark Trail, 12/22/08

The list of Incomprehensible Things That Happen In Mark Trail For No Earthly Reason That Anyone Could Fathom is, I admit, very, very long. And yet while I accept many of those things (the Jack Elrod sphere spouting dialog today, for instance) without question, I am having a hard time figuring out why the fact that his buggy’s carburetor has rusted has resulted in Pop resting with his head in Sue’s lap, unless this is all a ploy on his part to get her to do something about the fact that his “buggy’s” “carburetor” has “rusted.” Now that sexy Mark has appeared on the horizon, she will no doubt literally throw him aside, and he’ll flop face-first into the rapidly drying swamp.

(Something that just occurred to me: who is watching little Pamela while all this red-hot swamp action is going on? Is it … Sneaky the filthy raccoon? OH MY GOD SNEAKY OH MY GOD)

Mother Goose and Grimm, 12/22/08

Seeing that I griped a few days ago about the comics’ awkward attempts to grapple with the economic crisis, I suppose I’m now duty-bound to praise Mother Goose and Grimm’s depiction of the seasonal labor market, which ignores current economic conditions completely.

Apartment 3-G, 12/22/08

Reason To Love Margo #283: In mere hours of strip time, she’s gone from “Eric is an innocent man!” to “I am morally and professionally obligated to break into Eric’s apartment and remove incriminating evidence, then possibly use it later for blackmail purposes if he refuses to marry me!” Like the lady herself, Margo’s logic is so very seductive.

Herb and Jamaal, 12/22/08

Ha ha, Herb “molds himself” to Jamaal’s “deformities”!

Uh, I don’t really know what that’s supposed to mean. Ha ha, Herb and Jamaal are going to have sex, on the down low!

Programming note! Tomorrow will be my last day of posting before my annual week-or-so-long Hanuchrismwaanza break, so I’m just going to postpone the comments of the week by a day.