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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/10/15

Ever since Kelly was given a free funeral car to drive, there’s been a certain amount of ambiguity about exactly what kind of funeral car it was. Was it used to shuttle corpses about, or just beautiful and tasteful floral arrangements? And, more importantly, what’s that smell, exactly? Anyway, Rex, who hasn’t really had much speaking time in his own strip lately, manages to come onstage and fulfill two life goals at once: ruining everyone’s fun and wedging the phrase “the funeral trade” into everyday conversation. This has all led to panel three, probably the greatest facial expression the strip has gifted us with since at least this, which, interestingly enough, also involved the funeral trade.

Mary Worth, 2/10/15

Man, the first half of Mary’s sentence in panel one kind of implies a stronger follow-up than the second half delivers, doesn’t it? “I’ve attended many weddings, but I have to say that yours is definitely one of them! It won’t be as elegant and wonderful as the time I was invited to New York for the surprise wedding of a hunky professional soccer player, but I’m sure signing a dingy register at Santa Royale City Hall will hold a certain charm.”

Phantom, 2/10/15

The Phantom’s amnesia plot continues apace, and like Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, it asks if the sum of our memories make us who we are, or if we’d continue on in our accustomed paths even without them. “John X” has made his own little Skull Cave in the utility room, and his own little Chronicles of the Phantoms Past out of a spare notebook he found lying around! No, I have no idea where you find enormous, spooky candles on a military base.

Apartment 3-G, 2/10/15

I’m not exactly sure what kind of phony scam-artist psychic tries to convince her marks to get married in a stately English country house? One who is secretly employed by the events coordinator of a stately English country house, I guess. Anyway, I love that everyone in this conversation is trying very hard to pretend that they’ve never heard of Downton Abbey, probably because they think the recent seasons have gone off the rails and are embarrassed by how much they posted about it on Facebook in 2011.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/10/15

Meanwhile, love is in the air over at Funky Winkerbean! [ENDLESS PUKING AT HAVING TYPED THAT SENTENCE]

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Mary Worth, 2/6/15

For a character whose whole schtick is giving advice, Mary Worth’s given some pretty bad advice over the years. There was the time one of Mary’s friends confessed she still had feelings for a now-married old flame whom she hadn’t seen in years, and Mary told her to go ahead and contact him and pretend it was all “platonic”, because what could possibly go wrong. There was also the time that she told a woman haunted by memories of being stood up at the altar that you can fix sadness by choosing to remember events differently from what actually happened. And these are just the first two instances that leapt to mind, so what I’m saying is that it’d probably be premature to call today’s strip the worst advice Mary’s ever given anyone. But still, telling someone that “this thing you’re about to do will probably anger your daughter, so rather than talking to her about it you should just do it and then she’ll have literally no choice but to accept it and your relationship is gonna be great” isn’t really a good idea, you know?

Pluggers, 2/6/15

Speaking of all-time lows, this panel can’t match the sheer awful concentrated sadness of 2006’s classic “Rhino-Man hocks his TV”, but you have to admit that “physical pain is a plugger’s constant companion, one he eventually learns to rely on for his sense of self” is pretty darn grim.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/6/15

For those of you who are fortunate enough to not be up on the terminology used by scholars of fan fiction, “Mary Sue” is a term deployed to criticize a fanfic character seen as being a poorly fleshed out and idealized stand-in for the author. I guess the point of this strip is to somehow prove that Les surely isn’t a Mary Sue character, because if he were, people would actually recognize him (“him” being either Les or Tom Batuik, I guess) in public! I’m not sure what a weird high-school-era flashback panel contributes to this message, structurally, but the important part is that total strangers feel absolutely no connection with or desire to speak to Les. None whatsoever.

Apartment 3-G, 2/6/15

At last, we’re meeting the psychic scam artist who’s gotten Margo’s mother into her clutches! Who had “vaguely dowdy brunette with boring hair wearing a pastel turtleneck” in the pool? Oh, everybody? OK!

Crankshaft, 2/6/15

Crankshaft’s been doing a pretty terrible series of Airport Indignity Laffs this week, but they, and the strip as a whole, have now ended abruptly as Crankshaft crawls into the baggage-handling mechanism and is crushed to death.

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Heathcliff, 1/28/15

I know, I just discussed this a few weeks ago, but for real, what is the deal with Heathcliff’s garbage? The city dump is filled entirely with great mounds of viscous, chunky brown trash-slurry, which no doubt quiver gelatinously and put out a horrifying odor that serves as a cat-aphrodisiac, much to the disgust of our garbage man and his cigar-sucking pal. Presumably this strip takes place only moments after they tossed an old tire and shopping cart up onto the goo-heap, in an attempt to pretend that what was happening on their watch wasn’t nightmarish and potentially human-extinction-causing.

Apartment 3-G, 1/28/15

Whew, Margo and her waitress are now … inside … somewhere … where there’s a bowl of pears and a TV and/or microwave and some coffee cups and hotel-quality art and dresser/cabinets of some sort and shall we call it a cafe? Sure, why not. Plus she’s finally got her breakfast. Eggs over easy, bacon, toast, pancakes, and apple pie, all mashed together into off-white chunks and put in a bowl, just the way she likes it!

Mary Worth, 1/28/15

OH SNAP SEAN JUST BACK-HANDEDLY PROPOSED TO HANNA!!!! This is probably the least romantic comics proposal since Anthony and Elizabeth came to the consensus that their friend-partnership should be upgraded way back in aught-eight. Nothing says “will you marry me” like “I know we haven’t talked about it yet but I’ve already been dreading what a pain in the ass our wedding is going to be”!

Dennis the Menace, 1/28/15

This mysterious woman with glasses and a clipboard, searching through kindergarten recess for signs of nonconformity, is the most menacing figure to appear in this strip in years.