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Mary Worth, 4/18/13

Well, it looks like fate did indeed have other plans for Beth — plans that she would meet her crush in the parking lot on the way to the grocery store! It should be smooth sailing to love for these two … but wait! Why is Tom’s face obscured by shadow? Is something sinister afoot? Is Beth not headed to Food Team? Is she a devoted customer of Shop4Food, Food Team’s hated rival? Will she refuse to go grocery shopping with Tom because she’s only 16 FoodPoints away from earning a 20-cent-per-gallon discount on gas when she swipes her 4Food4Points card at participating Exxon and Mobil stations? CAN THIS LOVE BE SAVED???

Funky Winkerbean, 4/18/13

Finally, Les’s smug happiness is going to be crushed! About time, too, it’s taken a whole week. First Funky blabbed to his newscaster ex-wife, and now this information is getting to … someone … sinister. Someone who can’t afford a nice couch or functioning Venetian blinds. Someone drinking a beer. Could this be the dude who knocked up Lisa, lo those many years ago, resulting in the birth of Darrin? Could he ruin the entire project by being a dick, somehow? Probably, since nothing in the Funkyverse really makes sense, except to induce more misery!

Apartment 3-G, 4/18/13

Ha, it seems that despite the governor’s transparent macking on Lu Ann, her project still didn’t win. “Let’s hear it for helping kids with special needs! It sure is better than helping the kids of veterans, am I right? Teaching art to vets’ kids is garbage, basically.”

Mark Trail, 4/18/13

Shelly sure is mad about this fishing business! It’s almost as if she said that she didn’t enjoy the outdoors, and nobody listened and made her go on a camping trip anyway. I absolutely love her furious face in the final panel. It looks like she’s decided that if the boys insist on her killing an animal this afternoon, she’s going to just go find one and strangle it.

Spider-Man, 4/18/13

Busy CEO Kingpin doesn’t have time to just sit around and watch his newly enslaved minion beat up Spider-Man! He has important things to do on the other side of the room. That’s why he has his assistant keep tabs on things for him, so that Kingpin will be alerted in the extremely likely case that Spider-Man starts running away like a coward.

Blondie, 4/18/13

The characters in and/or the creators of Blondie have a sadly tame idea of how students on spring break act.

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Herb and Jamaal, 4/13/13

The only thing Herb and Jamaal loves more than eschewing concrete nouns is rerunning the exact same joke every few years, so you’d think the last thing it would do would be to make a joke about a very specific television program that aired only a couple of weeks before the strip was published. I guess a mildly accurate recounting of the Bible from the same cable channel that brought you Ancient Aliens generates enough excitement to break longstanding strip traditions! Anyway, obviously Hip Young Reverend Whose Name I Forget is referring to the actual Bible in the punchline, but wouldn’t it be a bazillion times funnier if he were talking about this, which is a real thing that exists?

Apartment 3-G, 4/13/13

Oh, man, New York’s hot, devil-may-care governor is so intensely interested in having sex with Lu Ann Lu Ann’s art-classes-for-veterans’-kids charity that he isn’t even bothering to talk to anyone else at this party. This quickly establishes his personality (i.e., we now know he has sent a non-negligible number of pictures of his penis to lady constituents via various electronic communications platforms) and also saves the strip artist from the terrifying prospect of drawing a crowd scene.

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Slylock Fox, 4/8/13

What must it be like to be Slick Smitty, one of the last few remaining humans in a world of anthropomorphic, mostly bipedal sentient animals? Give him credit for this: he hasn’t retreated into a gadget-crazy fantasy world like fellow survivor Count Weirdly. (Do you think Count Weirdly was ever really a member of the peerage? Does anyone have anything better than a hazy memory of what the social hierarchy was like, in the Before Time?) No, Smitty has decided to integrate himself the best he can into this multispecies world’s economy. Today, his skills have drawn him into the realm of real estate, and we should give him credit for actually trying to sell a house to some lions who are probably just going to tear up the furniture with their razor-sharp claws and then shit everywhere. And yeah, so what if it won’t have a decent view of the lake no matter what time of year it is? Does Slylock really think that a clear view of an icy lake three months a year is some kind of selling point that’s going to add thousands of dollars of value to this cottage and whatever Smitty’s commission is? Let the human have his fun. He’s been through some stuff.

Mark Trail, 4/8/13

Meanwhile, in Mark Trail, a new adventure is underway! Starring Shelly and Wes, two members of the upper crust who couldn’t be less like Mark, what with Shelley’s ambivalence about the outdoors and their propensity to just jump right into the whole physical intimacy business without much provocation, even though Shelly finds Wes’s presence in their bedroom “surprising” for some reason. What happened to that breakfast tray between panels two and three? “Oh no!” Mark would say if he were there. “There’s juice spilled all over the floor! Wait, what are you doing to her face with your face?”

Apartment 3-G, 4/8/13

Normally I’d go on about Margo’s lilac typical A3G shirt-maybe-it’s-part-of-a-dress-who-can-tell being described as “stunning,” but I’m way too amused by the cursory acknowledgement that there is in fact a third roommate in this strip, who can’t be bothered to go to this party because she’s already fallen asleep, probably because she’s so dull that she’s bored herself into unconsciousness.

Herb and Jamaal, 4/8/13

So it turns out that Jamaal has come to see the time he spends with his best friend and business partner as some kind of divine punishment for any number of terrible sins he committed over many, many lifetimes.