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Mary Worth, 7/13/12

Hello, readers! You might recall the Mary Worth that ran on July 7, 2012, which first mentioned Wilbur’s intention to go on a Mediterranean cruise. I I featured this strip on this blog and, in jest, suggested that our protagonists would soon meet a fate similar to those aboard the Costa Concordia, which famously capsized off the Italian coast this past January. I made this joke not because I was trying to predict future events in the strip (though I’m certainly not above that entertaining game) but because the combination of the hapless Westons and looming disaster seemed funny. I literally did not for a single moment think that the strip actually planned to play this scenario out. And yet, as we are confronted with an awesomely fonted BAM!, it is suddenly clear that this is exactly what’s going to happen.

So, with that in mind, let’s discuss how this plays out. The b-plot has involved Mary earnestly asserting that the many depressives writing into Wendy for advice need to not give up on life but instead look for the silver lining in the dark cloud and learn from adversity. My guess is that Dawn responds to disaster with heroics, or at least some mild bit of integrity, and learns valuable lessons about her own self-worth. Still, for today at least I can fantasize about her watching Wilbur floundering as his weird hairy green suit jacket grows increasingly waterlogged. “Life is brutal,” she says, as she watches his four combover hairs sinking into the sea, one by one.

Apartment 3-G, 7/13/12

I’m reasonably sure that the garment that Tommie is taking off in panel one here is the weird thing with the collar she buttons up to the top and has been wearing all week, and that she’s just now taking it off because she’s really going to get down to whatever business it is that requires gloves. But I’d like to believe that she actually left for an hour to get a sandwich or something and is just now wandering back in and taking her jacket off. “So, did I miss anything? Still exhausted and in pain?”

Hi and Lois, 7/13/12

“Look forward to terrible, chronic pain, son! It’s the c-i-i-i-i-r-c-l-e of l-i-i-i-fe…”

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Spider-Man, 7/12/12

There are several reasons why I’m boycotting the new Amazing Spider-Man movie. (Remember kids, when you’re an Important Public Figure like me, “don’t feel like seeing” becomes “boycotting.”) For one thing, the first installment of the Sam Raimi-directed series came out when I was a gainfully employed adult, which means that it couldn’t have been long ago enough for a reboot, because what, do I look old to you? Do I?? But, more importantly, the new movie is, for incomprehensible reasons, completely J. Jonah Jameson-free. Maybe it’s because the filmmakers decided that nobody could top J.K. Simmons’ interpretation of the character, or maybe it’s because they’re morons, because J. Jonah Jameson is the best thing about the Spideyverse and even his ill-drawn newspaper version is hilarious. Is he “raising the roof” to signify his grudging concession of a living wage to his freelancers in panel two? Haha, JJJ FOREVER. If you miss him in the movies, you can follow him on Twitter.

Dennis the Menace, 7/12/12

Whoa, let’s not be hasty, Dennis. How do you know he’s not both? Are you saying that vampires lack the sense of impartiality and fair play necessary to be good umpires? Prejudice is the real menace in today’s society, Dennis.

Apartment 3-G, 7/12/12

That weird white quarter-circle at the bottom of panel two — that’s … that’s supposed to be Nina’s ass, isn’t it? You know, if you find yourself troubled by unwanted erotic thoughts about extremely pregnant women and would like to put a stop to them using aversion therapy, today’s Apartment 3-G would be a great place to start.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/10/12

I’m putting both yesterday and today’s Snuffy Smith up there to demonstrate that they’re both basically the same joke, which … I’m OK with? There’s something charmingly vaudevillian about having Parson Tuttle continuously lob the same opening to Lureen and seeing her bat “I’m so lonely and desp’rate!” punchlines back to him. Maybe they’ll keep it up all week! Or maybe tomorrow the Parson will stop hinting and just come out and say that he wants her to recruit men for the choir by going out and having sex with them.

Apartment 3-G, 7/10/12

Haha, will I ever get tired of Nina suffering and turning her physical pain and rage on anyone who gets too close? No, the answer is no. “You’d better be telling the truth! I know medical professionals lie to patients constantly. I know you’re a dirty liar! If you make me get into this awkward position and it doesn’t help, I will destroy you, Tommie, do you hear? I have connections! I’ll get your apartment building condemned and your nursing license taken away and have everyone in your family killed! Then I’ll strangle you, but I wanted to do that other stuff first to show that I’m in earnest here. And I’ll do it all using the rage-strength I gain during a single contraction!”

Funky Winkerbean, 7/10/12

Is Funky Winkerbean really going to make us worry about whether this kitten dies on the way up, or possibly down, Kilimanjaro? All signs point to yes! To be fair, the readership is wholly indifferent about the death of any the human characters, so dramatic tension has to be maintained somehow.

Crock, 7/10/12

So wait, Crock‘s done now, right? These are repeats? Enh, whatever, it keeps showing up in my online comics page, so I guess if I can rag on Archie reruns from the 1990s I can make fun of this. Anyway, today’s strip is about Trooper Benson, who was hit by artillery shells during combat and died screaming in agony.

Ziggy, 7/10/12

Despite all of the foregoing, nothing in today’s comics has discombobulated me more than discovering that Ziggy’s cat is a lady.