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Hi and Lois, 2/27/12

I was going to write some joke about Hi casting a loving glance over his shoulder at the TV set, reenforcing Dot’s claim that this soulless hunk of electronics has become a beloved family member by filling the Flagstons’ dull lives with hours of mind-numbing entertainment, but then I noticed that OH MY GOD HI HAS NO LEFT HAND! We’ll probably never know what sort of awful accident or assault or disease resulted in this mutilation, but it’s likely that Lois’s sudden desire for everyone to eat together at the dining room table is a misguided response to her husband’s trauma, as if she hopes that seeing his loved ones smiling at him will make him feel whole. But follow his eyes: he wants nothing more than to just sit on the couch and let reality TV wash over him and forget, forget whatever happened to him. The fact that somebody set the table so that his fork is on the left side of his plate can’t be helping his mood at all.

Notice that one of the framed pictures on the wall is of Charlie Brown and Snoopy! It’s a nice little tribute to a classic strip than ran for 50 years and never once forgot to Photoshop a hand on the end of its main character’s arm.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/27/12

“Haw haw! But seriously, sheriff, th’ hovels in Hootin’ Holler are all poorly constructed an’ cain’t keep out the cold! Is there anything in yore platform that would help us? Or d’you believe the gummint only exists to punish its poor citizens in yore jail, and never t’ help ’em?”

Gil Thorp, 2/27/12

I can’t help but notice that failure loser chump Ric DeVore is entirely tattoo free. Just another example of how misguided Gil’s anti-Milford Ink crusade is!

Archie, 2/27/12

“It’s the screaming, Arch. I can handle the fountains of blood, the writhing, the look of terror and agony in my patients’ eyes. But for some reason it’s the screaming that gets to me.”

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Apartment 3-G, 2/23/12

Since Nina has agreed to be her husband’s smoke-filled incubator and nothing more, he’s left with the responsibilities of tricking out the future kid’s nursery, and as someone with external genitalia is obviously totally unfit for the task. Look at the little lost lamb, wandering around Manhattan with a giant stuffed bear, mewling for help! If you didn’t know anything about these characters, you might imagine that this is the start of some sort of sexy sex affair between Scott and Margo, but since this is Margo we’re talking about she’ll probably just end up berating him again like she did in 2006:

Haha, how much do I love that panel? A lot, is how much!

Archie, 2/23/12

Ha ha, yes, it’s funny that hockey goalies wear masks that make it difficult to tell who they are, despite the existence of other cues such as height and build, but I think we’re all missing the important point here, which is that Coach Kleats thinks that saying “Now I really want you to block that goal” imparts useful information about goaltending. I mean, I know what with the budget cuts he’s got a lot on his plate, but sure he could do a little online research and come up with some slightly higher-level jargon?

Mary Worth, 2/23/12

Oh, man, can we count all the amazing things in today’s Mary Worth? Let’s start with the classic word-sequences-that-would-never-be-uttered-by-humans “middle-management sales” and “I still can’t believe the events that led to Nola’s promotion!” Then there’s our male gossip’s hilariously exaggerated gestures and facial expressions; he appears to be auditioning for a nonexistent vaudeville revival circuit, in his mind. And of course there’s also his female counterpart’s bright blue hair, framing her sad, worn-down face. Probably she dyed her hair blue six years ago when she got this corporate job, as a last act of defiance to reaffirm her identity as someone vaguely cool; and yet here she is, having kept that color more out of habit than anything else, carping pettily about the new vice president of sales, without a hint of irony. These people deserve Nola, is what I’m saying.

Spider-Man, 2/23/12

Man, I wish I could get people to start referring to my naps as “the fabled Josh-sleep.” None would dare wake me then!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/27/12

Aww, isn’t that sweet? Hootin’ Holler must be the most loving, romantic community on the entire planet. I say this because Barney Google and Snuffy Smith characters wag their tongues and roll their eyes constantly. Look, they’re wagging their tongues right there in the second panel, as they’re talking about people wagging their tongues! I’m glad to learn that these are symptoms of an overabundance of affection, as I had assumed that residents of Hootin’ Holler were just prone to seizures due to some combination of inbreeding and malnutrition.

Archie, 1/27/12

As noted, the current run of newspaper Archie strips consists of reruns from the ’90s, which is fairly clear when you have it pointed out to you. But never let it be said that Archie Comics is simply digging out strips at random from its no doubt enormous archives (side note: I dearly hope that Archie Comics refers to its archives as “the Archie-ives”) and mails it out to the syndicate. No, first they have some entry-level employee make sure there aren’t any blatant anachronisms in the strip and quickly fix them. Fun game: what non-Glee TV show do you think Mr. Weatherbee was originally referring to in the third panel? I’ll bet its name is significantly longer than four letters!

Dennis the Menace, 1/27/12

Dennis seems to think that his baby sitter will find his mastery of bound morphemes menacing! Sorry, Dennis, but this is not the case.