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Beetle Bailey, 8/6/15

I’m not sure what I like more about this strip: the fact that Killer believes that pretending to be a semi-divine being from a higher plane of existence is a potentially productive seduction technique in the year 2015, or the fact that, based on the angle of the ropes in panels one and two, Beetle can’t be standing more than five feet away, meaning the conversation he and Killer had in panel one was completely audible to these poor young women.

Curtis, 8/6/15

Um, is Curtis about to embark on a storyline where where its title character is regularly eating “mystery meat” from a food truck, “mystery meat” that turns out to be … human flesh???? Once the fiendish butcher is caught and set to death row, will all the adults in Curtis’s life assure him that he couldn’t have known, that he committed no crime — and yet the guilt and shame will still haunt him for the rest of his life? If so, I will 100% forgive this strip for skipping the traditional Kwanzaa madness last year.

Archie, 8/6/15

Man, Archie Comics sure have their finger on the pulse of modern teen life, am I right? I mean, yard sales! God, there’s nothing a teen loves more than a yard sale.

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/28/15

Well, finally! Lisa Crawford (décédé Moore), Funky Winkerbean‘s axis, muse, and paragon — and the only remotely plausible justification for this tedious time-travel story — puts in her appearance, and her friends handle it with their usual grace.

Lisa became quite the saucy gamine in the runup to her miserable death, but this is Original Lisa — mousy, hunched over, and perpetually chilly despite her enormous shapeless cardigan. After all, the Funky Winkerbean audience can easily buy into a high-school locker time travel story, but a hot chick going for Les crosses a line.

Judge Parker, 7/28/15

Of course Dalton has something for Sam — because no Judge Parker story can end before the Bestowing of the Gifts.

Archie, 7/28/15

Say, is that Jughead’s Dad, Jones père? I don’t believe we’ve seen him before! Anyway, Mr. Jones is a dead-eyed drone who wants to crush his son’s youthful exuberance and joy in a beautiful summer day!

That’s it for me — Josh will be back tomorrow with the very latest in newspaper comics mockery. Thanks for a fun time!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Slylock Fox, 7/6/15

Are we supposed to assume that our criminal dog, fleeing Slylock and his goons, got into this room one step ahead of the law? How did that work, exactly? He leaps into the unoccupied bed, starts feverishly wrapping bandages around his face, and growls to the actual patient, “You don’t say nothin’, see?” Or maybe it’s much more horrible: maybe he’s subjected the other dog to an involuntary Face/Off-style surgery, the better to escape justice. His victim is in a morphine haze, but the criminal refused painkillers; though he’s in agony, he knew he’d have to be sharp in case the cops showed up. Either way, the real tragedy is that the real patient didn’t receive a fruit basket.

Spider-Man, 7/6/15

This is a good question, because let’s be frank: even when he has his whole life ahead of him, caring about stuff isn’t Peter Parker’s strong suit.

Archie, 7/6/15

The way Veronica stares directly at the viewer in the final panel, inviting us into her world of gossip, is profoundly unsettling. “Do you miss the good old days? Sign up for an account on Gosspr, my new social app for gossip and rumors, and feel free to share what you know or have heard about your closest friends! #jointhecoversation”

Momma, 7/6/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Francis and Marylou are slowly poisoning their mother!

Pluggers, 7/6/15

Pluggers have found that they hardest part of living is the seemingly endless slog through a meaningless existence that we have to endure until we finally feel the sweet embrace of death.