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For Better Or For Worse, 6/12/07

So, Mt. Foob has gotten sick of my cutting decision to refer to the Milquetoasty-Potential-Love-Interest-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named only as “The Mustache,” eh? They’ve gotten so sick of it that they’ve chosen to remove his mustache, eh? Well, two can play at this game! From now on, he’s … The Vast, Disconcerting, Fleshy Expanse Of Upper Lip! Or TV,D,FEOUL for short. I can go as far down this road as you want, Foobmeisters!

I am in fact 99 percent sure that’s supposed to be Anthony, though he looks weird enough that I can understand the doubts. The tip-off is the freckles, people. I’m assuming his suddenly non-droopy features are a product of FBOFW’s patented “Sexy-Cam” technique.

I just want to say that I love the collection of bizarre, misshapen faces in the second panel. Apparently they saved money on the tent by just getting married at a circus freak show.

(P.S. Remember that bit of Foobery from T Campbell I solicited artists for a couple of weeks ago? The results are here. Sadly, we may be too late after all…)

Momma, 6/12/07

I don’t pretend to fully understand what makes a fellow attractive, but I always thought of Tony Blair less as “cute” and more as “pasty and somewhat weasel-faced.” (He’s gotten better looking with age, I’ll admit.) Of course, Momma has long been slightly obsessed with the attractiveness of prime ministers, so maybe this is all of a part. Maybe, like her brother Francis, Mary Lou just has a thing for the head of a cabinet government elected by a parliament. She just can’t get worked up about the separation of powers we have going on the United States, and wants Tony Blair and the sexy, sexy Westminster system he represents to come over across the pond.

I realize I’m just pussyfooting around the larger issue here, which is that this cartoon makes no sense. But it makes so very much no sense that I’m somewhat in awe of even approaching the lack of sense that it makes.

Pluggers, 6/12/07

Oh, come on, Pluggers! See, there’s supposed to be a little wordplay going on here to justify your existence; otherwise, there’s nothing but passive-aggressive anti-elitism and the least sexy furries known to man. Here, I’ll help you out. “Pluggers don’t use twist ties … they just give the bag a good …” Did you guess what the last word should have been? Something that appeared earlier in the sentence? Hmmmm?

Archie, 6/12/07

Overheard in the year 2015: “Boy, Archie turned into Tom of Finland-style beefcake so gradually, we all hardly even noticed it. And they all used to be so wholesome…”

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Gil Thorp, 6/8/07

Dum dee dum, oh look, it’s Gil Thorp, where the characters are always an oddly drawn band of quasi-humans. Yes, there they are, strangely shaped, but I’m totally used to that by now … I’ll just move on to the final panel and see YEEEARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

Man, I guess Brynna Antenna got sick of being called “Brynna Antenna,” but was unable to conceive of any other hairstyle, and so just decided to go for the Lt. Ilia look. Now that her antennae are gone, all her psychic powers are just radiating out from her shiny bald pate.

The Milford Lady Mudlarks softball team is now officially the jumpiest-to-conclusionist bunch in the comics pages. First they assume that Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp has cancer because of a half-overheard phone conversation, then Brynna Baldie shaves her head in premature solidarity — before finding out whether or not her coach will have to undergo chemo, or even whether the other girls on the team are on board. Of course, since she’s Tyler’s girlfriend, it should come as no surprise that she lurches into ill-advised schemes. Hopefully they’ll get to room together at the mental hospital.

Oh, yeah, speaking of Tyler … the long delayed Self-Clubbing Tyler winner will be announced … MONDAY! So you’ll have all weekend to let your anticipatory excitement BUILD!

Mark Trail, 6/8/07

The wide-eyed, terrified, badly banged Sam Hill we see in panel two is perhaps one of the most wonderful images in recent Mark Trail history, even when the high bar established by the savage duck attack in panel one is taken into consideration. I particularly like the fact that for some reason the space in her open mouth has been left gleaming white. It’s as if she’s simultaneously shouting in terror and gritting her teeth in grim determination.

Her ludicrous facial expression might be best explained not by the swarm of highly trained attack ducks, but by the fact that her cravat is obviously too tight, cutting off blood flow to the head.

Apartment 3-G, 6/8/07

It took long enough, but Apartment 3-G has finally figured out how to make this “Lu Ann Is Hospitalized At Tommie’s Hospital” storyline interesting. Lu An having seizures? BORING! Tommie in her professional environment? BORING! Margo disheveled in a nightie? Now we’re talking. Hopefully we’ll get to see her bathroom preparations (yes, Lu Ann’s in the hospital, but Margo does not just roll out of bed and leave the apartment) so we can see what sort of shampoo she uses to maintain that Mary Tyler Moore/Marilyn Quayle hair flip all night.

Archie, 6/8/07

I thought I’d share with you a little of the code from the algorithm that powers the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000:

if
  assessLameness(joke.this) > Unspeakable
then
  insertDrawing(BettysAssCrack)

Shoe, 6/8/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because Roz’s boyfriend is an alcoholic!

Wait, Roz has a boyfriend?

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/29/07

Ha ha! Awww, Rex doesn’t like mean ol’ Hugh! Rex thinks Hugh’s a bad son! Plus Hugh was not nice to Rex! So Rex has busted out the angry face! It’s OK, Rex, it’s OK, Heather’s got the situation in hand now. Put down the celery before you hurt somebody with it.

Archie, 5/29/07

That Archie! You can totally tell why all the girls are always fighting over him. He’s thrown into a state of naked panic and despair whenever he has to make the simple kinds of choices necessary to function as a human being in society! Speaking of which…

For Better Or For Worse, 5/29/07

For whatever reason — residual affection for a strip I liked in my youth, some vague desire to keep a hold of my dignity — I always feel like I need to step back from full-throated Foob hate, so I’ll try to keep this as rational as possible. It is, in fact, true that buying a house a huge leap, a stressful responsibility. It’s natural to worry that, if your financial situation changes, you might not only lose the house, but all the money you’ve invested in it to that point — a worry that might be all the keener if a big part of your income comes from freelancing and is thus not predictable. And then there are the little costs, like maintenance, that would normally be your landlord’s responsibility that suddenly you have to cover. It’s a Big Deal.

And yet exactly none of this has actually been discussed in the strip. We don’t know why Mikey is so freaked out about buying the house; as far as I can tell, he’s just sitting under some kind of smoldering cloud of existential dread about it. It’s not like he even really had to decide to do it — with the fire and his parents’ machinations, it’s like the choice was made for him! (In real life, this could of course be the very cause of his unease, but again if that’s the case, nothing has been said to that effect.) Today we learn that Mike is in such a state about the prospect of property ownership that he wants to punish his body until his mind shuts down. The turn to booze and drugs is inevitable. If Mike spends all his days in the coming frozen-in-time version of the strip in some sort of dreamy opium haze, every Foob outrage we have suffered to this point will have been worth it.

Judge Parker, 5/29/07

If you’re sympathizing with Sam’s hair-pulling panic in panel three (“The ladies, they’ll just go out with that credit card and come back with three new dresses they don’t need! And an apartment in Paris! Am I right, fellas?”), I must remind you that all of the fabulous wealth that keeps this motley family in the lifestyle to which they’ve become accustomed at stately Spencer Farms is Abbey’s (inherited, I believe). Perhaps he’s worried that any pinch on the family finances will reveal that his claims to be contributing with his big-shot lawyer’s salary have been nothing but lies. I’ve been reading this strip for two and a half years and I haven’t witnessed anything from him that might qualify as a billable hour.