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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/9/15

“Howdy boys! You all no doubt are vaguely familiar with the story of Noah’s Ark from the sermons I preach that you sometimes pay attention to! Just as the calm seas are nothing compared to the World Flood, so too was the Ark in a whole different class from the simple sailboat you built. Speaking of floods, I’ve been delegated to tell the residents of the Holler that they’ll be experiencing their own biblical deluge soon! Specifically, the good people at Maxelon Energy Corp. will be building a dam that will transmit cheap, abundant energy to flatlanders for hundreds of miles around, with the small downside that Hootin’ Holler will be entirely submerged under the resulting artificial lake. But don’t worry! Just as God provided for Noah with the Ark, Maxelon will provide for the Holler, with a series of trailers that will be available to rent at low prices just above the new water line. Go on, tell your parents! You have 72 hours!”

Dennis the Menace, 7/9/5

Mrs. Wilson is right to gasp: by suggesting that Dennis has a serious chromosomal abnormality, Mr. Wilson has gone too far this time — too far. He’s said something she can never forget, and thus, just by standing there staring dumbly into space, Dennis has menaced their decades-old marriage.

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Crankshaft, 7/5/15

Sure, Ralph Meckler says he’s just an ordinary citizen fighting for the little guy’s right to drive on safer streets. But his campaign is in the pocket of the sausage restaurant industry. Do we really want our city government ignoring important environmental and zoning concerns and just rubber-stamping approvals of chain eateries that serve substandard biscuits? Mayor Kane: Leadership We Can Trust.

B.C., 7/5/15

Here is a sequence of words that has almost certainly never been constructed before but which I nevertheless believe to be meaningful and also true: these prehistoric ants appear to be Seventh-Day Adventists.

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/5/15

OH MY GOD LOWEEZY IS GOING TO RAISE CORPSES FROM THEIR GRAVES USING FOUL BACKWOODS NECROMANTIC SORCERY

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Mary Worth, 6/28/15

You know how big a fan I am of weird contextless quotes in Mary Worth, so you can imagine my absolute delight in discovering that today’s inspirational aphorism comes from Marshal Foch, the supreme commander of Allied forces on the Western Front during World War I. I’m not sure why he would’ve said this, but I choose to believe that it was in some recently declassified top-secret document in which he proposed, if Hundred Days Offensive were to end in stalemate like all the others, to reanimate the souls of the Allied war dead, set the phantasms ablaze, and have them charge eerily across No-Man’s-Land at the terrified Germans.

Anyway, obviously I thought it wasn’t ever going to get better than that image, but that was before I arrived at the final panel, in which Adam and Terry don’t even briefly pretend to be unnerved by a violent criminal, instead just cracking wise as they prepare to karate-chop him to death. I sincerely wish this comic could just sort of freeze-frame right at this moment and the credits begin to roll up, like it’s the end of the pilot of a ’70s romantic cop drama.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/28/15

Or maybe if he’s too proud or dumb, they’ll just watch him suffocate to death, through the transparent walls of that safe! Today’s Slylock Fox is super grim, guys.

Barney Google and Snuff Smith, 6/28/15

Jughaid just wants to stay home … in the bowels of hell itself.