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Hi and Lois, 5/17/10

As obsessive comics readers know, Hi and Lois have four kids, none of whom are in college, which makes their “UConn Dad/Mom” shirts kind of confusing. Is it possible that, since nobody in the family ever ages, they actually have a phantom fifth child off in Storrs, perpetually in his or her sophomore year and never mentioned ever since s/he decided to waste his/her life and the Flagstons’ money on a French lit major. It’s also possible that Hi and Lois has just experienced a Funky Winkerbean-style time jump, and that Chip is now away at school, Dot and Ditto are hitting their awkward adolescence, and Trixie is being traumatized by Sunbeam’s refusal to follow her into her windowless kindergarden classroom. This, I suppose, is the sort of disorientation that casual Funky Winkerbean readers, those who didn’t follow the trade press’s reporting on the upcoming temporal leap forward, experienced when they opened up their paper and discovered that Les and Funky and the gang were 10 years older. (The trade press did not bother to report on this event in Hi and Lois because nobody, not even people who cover the newspaper comics industry for a living, really cares all that much about Hi and Lois.)

I note also that Lois the realtor, realizing that this family of poor saps is selling off their car in order to provide a better life for their children, might be close to cashing in on the family home as well, and naturally her professional instincts are kicking in. The real estate industry: profiting from, and causing, America’s financial problems for most of the 21st century so far!

Curtis, 5/17/10

It’s 99 percent certain that this is not going to be a “Curtis and Barry find their parents’ sex tape” storyline, but this is the strip that brought us the syrup chapter, so we can’t be sure. Until all is revealed, I will merely point out for your interest that Curtis is so dedicated to hip-hop as a genre that he apparently owns a poster extolling not some specific artist but rather the abstract concept of rap.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/17/10

Due to its isolation, Hootin’ Holler is years behind most of America when it comes to pop-culture trends. For instance, streaking is only now starting to catch on there, a full 35 years after its heyday in the rest of the country.

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/16/10

Oh, look, it appears that this actively offensive love triangle is moving forward, to be helped along by a healthy dose of hilarious misunderstanding. It will all end in anguish, of course, like an episode of Three’s Company where everyone dies horribly.

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/16/10

Elviney’s expression of simmering rage here — the narrowed eyes, the waggling finger — is probably the most harrowing thing I’ve seen in the comics in weeks. You do not want to promise this woman gossip that you cannot deliver. She will cut you.

Panel from Mary Worth, 5/16/10

“Just remember, if you don’t need it, it’s unnecessary, and if it’s unnecessary, you don’t need it! I hope this circular logic will be a comfort to you as you lie in bed alone, listening to the credit cards’ eager whispering.”

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/13/10

Today’s Snuffy Smith offers a sad commentary on the economic dysfunction deeply ingrained in America’s rural shantytowns. Like virtually everyone in Hootin’ Holler, Susie’s boyfriend has neither the skills nor the opportunities to acquire meaningful work, and presumably makes ends meet through some combination of government assistance and chicken theft. But far from being ashamed of her new beau’s lack of economic utility, Susie can only see that this makes him like all the other men she knows in this isolated, impoverished valley. If he did have a job of some sort, that would mark him out as unusual and possibly a threat to the social order, so she’s happy with him as he is, and the cycle of poverty continues.

It’s also possible that I’m misreading this, and that “does he have an occupation” is hillbilly dialect for “is he constipated.”

Luann, 5/13/10

In typical irritating Luann fashion, Luann and Quill have been discussing the question of whether the two of them will record some pointless CD of Quill’s crappy songs together, with about as much effort and angst going into the negotiations as was involved in the Camp David Accords. What possible good could come of this, we thought? But now — now! — we can see that payoff: a hilarious misunderstanding based on stilted, unnatural dialogue! HEY-yo! I look forward to all of Pitts High buzzing over the fact that Quill and Luann are TOTALLY HAVING THE SEX. There will be tears, rage, confusion, and, eventually, learning.

Shoe, 5/13/10

I’m not sure what exactly this is supposed to mean, other than the usual “Buzz the old man-bird is senile and belligerent and says hilariously inappropriate things,” but it did make me contemplate the fact that, since birds don’t have sphincters at the tail end of their digestive system, they just sort of poop uncontrollably whenever the urge strikes. Which means that the Bird Senate of Shoe-world is encrusted with bird shit at all times! As is every other setting in this strip! OK, now I’ve grossed myself out. Thanks a lot, Buzz.