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Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/19/21

I initially assumed the solution to this mystery would be animal fact based: bears really do eat salmon and raccoons really do eat lobsters, so the wolf would only get theatrically excited about oysters as part of his criminal middleman routine. But the “strongest alibi” bit truly gets into the Orwellian mindfuck that is life in Slylock’s Forest Kingdom, where you can be immediately found guilty not despite the fact that you have the most evidence pointing to your innocence but because of it! Please do not dwell on the litany of horrors Sly subjected this poor wolf to in order to “convince” him to confess, this is a comic for children.

Panel from The Lockhorns, 12/19/21

Yeah, man, my wife does too? I think think it’s pretty normal for your partner to generally be aware of when you’re in bed, to be honest. Come on, Leroy, this one is a stretch. I am intrigued by the lady who’s just discovered an outlet for her “jolly old elf” fetish, however.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/19/21

I think this is a pretty good look at who would watch this livestream and feel vaguely bad about their contribution to the feeding frenzy over “Cynthia Ivy”‘s real identity: basically normal looking kids and extremely dweeby adults.

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/19/21

TIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it diminishes the unique religious importance of Christmas

WIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it reminds us of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, a strip created by liberal coastal elitists specifically to make fun of the rural poor

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Gil Thorp, 12/16/21

Oh, boy, the basketball season storyline of Gil Thorp is already more promising than this fall’s snoozefest because it looks like it’s going to do one of my favorite Gil Thorp things: grapple with a Very Serious Social Issue! Remember back in 2009, when we learned that “‘sexting’ is a serious problem” that’s “been in Time and Newsweek“? Remember how the strip’s version of sexting was “a girl wearing a an extremely non-revealing bikini made out of soda cartons?” Anyway, I’m assuming that sportsduke dot com is the Thorpiverse analog to the sports betting site draftkings dot com, which has gone mainstream now that the Supreme Court said sports betting is A-OK a few years back, and Pranit is about to come down with a Serious Gambling Problem. Or maybe he’s going to make a bunch of money and then start acting as a bookie for his little friends! Maybe Milford athletes are going to bet on games they’re playing in! I demand maximum drama, darn it!!

Dennis the Menace, 12/16/21

I’m going to give Dennis the benefit of the doubt here: the way he’s cupping his hand next to his mouth is a little too theatrical for this to be an entirely sincere expression of anxiety, which is good because it’s frankly the sort of thing we’d expect from Jeffy Keane. No, I’m guessing that Dennis is trying to start some kind of mass panic among the children, either out of a simple desire to stir up shit or because he has devious schemes in play that will be furthered by a scene of screaming chaos. At any rate, I tentatively deem this to be adequately menacing.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/16/21

Wow, look at Tater and Jughaid, eating their cookies off plates like little liberal fancy boys! Snuffy is modeling the only way a real man eats: just letting your jaw hang slack and your tongue loll out grotesquely so you can shove the whole cookie in at once.

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Mary Worth, 12/13/21

Oh, man, the Wilbur-Estelle reunion doesn’t look to be a dream or a fantasy sequence, just a sad testimonial to what happens in our society when a lovely woman in late middle age who’s been unlucky in love just decides to give up. But there’s still one last line of defense, and that’s Libby, who’s going to have to resist whatever charms Wilbur brought from ALL PE7S and instead spend her evening pissing everywhere he might even be thinking about sitting. Piss, Libby! Piss with all your might!

Dennis the Menace, 12/13/21

I absolutely love how angry Henry is at this piece of furniture before he’s even gotten it out of his trunk. Like, most of us maintain a veneer of optimism about our Ikea purchases until we spread the different parts all over the floor and panic starts setting it. Not Henry, though! This wasn’t his choice, but it is his punishment. I guess I know I’m an adult because I know that whether or not Dennis hears some swears tonight isn’t the main storyline happening here, not by a long shot.

Beetle Bailey, 12/13/21

I know I said I wasn’t doing the “Sarge and Beetle are lovers” bit anymore, but the strip doesn’t make it easy on me sometimes, you know?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/13/21

Ah, it’s nice to see Snuffy and Doc Pitchart share a hearty, good-natured laugh! They both know that there are no circumstances under which Snuffy is going to pay his bill.