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Mark Trail, 1/23/18

Immediately after his giraffe encounter, Rusty ran home to tell his adoptive parents about it, only to be berated at length that you’d have to be a crazy person to say you saw a giraffe in the forest and you must be dreaming or hallucinating like that time with the dinosaurs, so you should stop insisting you saw giraffes or you’re going to have to go live in the crawl space again. Of course, we know that there’s a whole dang circus loose out there, and so I sincerely hope that Mark, maintaining that smug, know-it-all facial expression, steps outside to prove to Rusty that Lost Forest is giraffe-free and is then immediately mauled by a lion.

Mary Worth, 1/23/18

Ha ha, is 2004 Democratic Party presidential nominee and former Secretary of State John Kerry Ted Miller going to steal Mary away from his old friend Dr. Jeff, right in front him? Notice that Mary is sure to welcome Ted “to my home,” emphasizing that she has long refused to marry, move in with, or commit to Dr. Jeff in any way.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/18

Rex is scowling in panel one, but thoughtfully, indicating that he might be open to allowing this Maoist self-criticism session to mollify him. Unfortunately, the Marches have made the decision to deploy youth slang, which he’s not going to appreciate at all.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/23/18

One of the things I’ve resigned myself to kind of enjoying is that printed matter that appears in Snuffy Smith is spelled in the same eye dialect used in the word balloons. Still, today’s strip is horrifying because it prompted me, unbidden, to imagine a context in which one of the characters might say the world “ballz.” Like, “Lukey, th’ next time we’re int’mite, I’m gonna ask Loweezy t’ tickle my ballz!” If I have to think it, you have to read it, which is, I suppose, this blog’s mission statement.

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Spider-Man, 1/3/18

Oh, hey, I didn’t really discuss what happened in Newspaper Spider-Man while I was gone, did I? Well, it turns out that Dr. Connors lost a lot of blood due to that gator bite, and also that the whole reason Bruce Banner was in town the swamp in the first place was because he and Dr. Connors have the same rare blood type and Bruce was looking to do some kind of blood exchange thing to de-Hulk himself, but now maybe the transfusion is going to go the other way, which would be bad news for a guy who already has a problem with turning into a large, violent green thing? Also, Peter Parker revealed his secret identity to Bruce Banner, which was a shocking development to everyone who had taken for granted that he didn’t already know about this in the Newspaper Spider-Man continuity, which is to say nobody. Anyway, none of this is as important as panel two here, in which Spider-Man uses his famous and beloved jumping power (the relative jumping of a spider) to leap from boat to dock. I expect to see several more days of him hopping through the marina area, until he finally gets to an area with tall buildings where he can web-sling through, at which point he’ll raise up a hand to shoot a web and accidentally drop Dr. Connors’ head onto the pavement.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/3/18

Look, I get that this is a side-splittingly hilarious visual gag. But was it worth the terrible disruption to nearly a century of accumulated Barney Google and Snuffy Smith lore? Are we just supposed to [sarcastic nerd chuckle] believe that Elviney has had this [increasingly angry sarcastic nerd chuckle] [finger quotes] “twin sister” all along? Obviously if she lived in the tiny community of Hootin’ Holler we’d have met her by now, but just as obviously if she were visiting from another holler Elviney would have said as much, ugh, I’m starting a petition to get this strip stricken from the canon

Gil Thorp, 1/3/18

Notice how all the panes seem to vanish from Gil’s surprisingly large office window at some point between panels one and three? That’s because right around the middle of panel two is where Gil allows himself to indulge his usual middle-of-a-Marty-Moon-interview fantasy: that he could just lean back in his chair and tumble out into the welcoming arms of the forest below.

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Mark Trail, 11/21/17

Mark’s sidekick Johnny was too cowardly to gun down a woman, so instead he’s going to lure her down to the tunnel under the bank, where the bear will eat her.

Spider-Man, 11/21/17

Sorry all comedy writers everywhere, but nothing you produce this week will be funnier than “I can’t have my wife back — but at least maybe I can grow a new arm.” Anyway, I’m glad we’re finally going to find out why supposed science nerd Peter Parker works in the incredibly low-paying field of freelance news photography rather than getting a job as a lab tech or something. I assume that it’s because he’s actually pretty bad at science, which is great for me because I’m psyched to see one of his screwups turn Dr. Connors into a lizard.

Beetle Bailey, 11/21/17

Man, I have to say, Lt. Fuzz was not at the top of my “who at Camp Swampy is going to plan the coup” list.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/21/17

Boy, this bluegrass version of Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” sure changed some things!