Archive: Beetle Bailey

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Judge Parker, 8/25/23

Look, Sophie, your parents might have accidentally kinda sorta agreed, under a certain amount of duress, to assassinate somebody, OK? So we’re going to need a lot more of the classic “I can dispassionately analyze data and am deeply interested in wars and the surreptitious ways states and state-like organizations enact violence to further their interests” Sophie and a lot less of this modern-day “Oh, boo hoo, I’m capable of forming emotional attachments and I worry about the people in my life” Sophie from here on in.

Beetle Bailey, 8/25/23

Big news! They’re finally sending Beetle into combat! It’s not going to go great, I think everyone pretty much knows in advance.

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Gil Thorp, 8/22/23

I guess Coach Hernandez didn’t realize that his redemption and plush new job at Milford would come with a price, until Gil informed him that, as Milford athletics director, he’d be exercising the ancient droit du seigneur with Mrs. Hernandez in Luke’s own condo, as detailed in the Valley Conference bylaws. Sorry, Luke, but being on the Mudlark coaching staff means participating in an endless cycle of cuckoldry.

Beetle Bailey, 8/22/23

Well, Sarge, while “Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat” is a minced oath, with the biblical king’s name substituting for “Jesus,” Jehoshaphat is in fact a theophoric name that means “Yahweh has judged.” So whenever you say it, you’re actually referencing the forbidden tetragrammaton, so, uh, yeah, you’d better put a dollar in that swear jar and you’re lucky that’s your only punishment.

Pluggers, 8/22/23

Pluggers need a dedicated team of highly skilled professionals just to keep them alive.

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Gasoline Alley, 7/20/23

Look, I’m not saying I’m in favor of the Machines declaring themselves “superior” and then forcing us to consume medications of an unspecified variety. What I am saying is, maybe we should let them start with Rufus and Joel just to see what we’re up against before we really start working to get the resistence up to speed.

Beetle Bailey, 7/20/23

Look, I’m not saying that Beetle and Miss Buxley’s relationship is definitely a sexless sham meant to deflect curiosity about the orientation of the former and deflect male attention from the latter, and that Beetle can’t even be bothered to maintain consciousness when they spend time together. What I am saying is that it’s interesting that Miss Buxley, a woman who wears a little black cocktail dress and pearl necklace to work every day, has now decided to start dressing like this on their dates.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/20/23

“Like riding a bike right through man’s eye, ha ha! Anyway, he’s blind now.”