Archive: Beetle Bailey

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Mary Worth, 1/6/20

Good lord, these two unmarried persons are loitering together … within touching distance … at the mallwithout their dogs being there as chaperones? Like a pair of whores? I certainly hope Mary doesn’t hear about this, or they’ll return to Charterstone to find their pathetical belongings piled up on the curb!

Pluggers, 1/6/20

In big cities and small villages, most elderly people can walk to the store for basic errands, or take public transportation, so they can live independently even when they’re no longer able to drive a car. But in modern America’s increasingly socially atomized and sprawling suburbs, many must resort to offering sexual favors just so they can leave their subdivision and access basic services. Sad!

Beetle Bailey, 1/6/20

My initial thought reading this was that there’s no circumstance where you get a phone call saying “We have detected a problem with your computer, send us your password and we’ll fix it” and the caller isn’t a scam artist, but then I realized that this strip still falls under today’s “eldersex” heading, because the reason nobody can fix the General’s computer is all the extremely dodgy porn sites he looks at.

Curtis, 1/6/20

I judge this year’s Kwanzaa storyline to be pretty good based on the freaky animal factor alone, though it has wrapped up with the somewhat banal conclusion of “the real magic is friendship, and also listening to good advice.” It’s also wrapped up on a … Wednesday? … so I hope that we at least get a few days of Curtis complaining about the story’s initial premise failing to pay off in truly weird fashion.

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Six Chix, 12/16/20

It was just back in March of this year that there was a Rhymes With Orange strip about dogs pissing on sentient snowmen for which the syndicate colorist bravely held the line and refused to use yellow to highlight the clearly drawn section where the snowman got pissed on. But the last nine months have frankly felt like about a million years, and so now, in December, the colorists have clearly just given up. You wanna do a comic where a snowman tries to bargain with a dog to stop the pissing? Sure, whatever. Let’s make the piss the same color as the sunset, too, just really drive home the melange of beauty and disgust that we’re aiming for. It’s been a year, man, there’s no point in being precious about, well, anything. Also, fun fact, I at first misremembered the Rhymes With Orange strip linked above as a Six Chix strip, so I spent a lot of trime trying to find it in my Six Chix archives using keywords like “urine” and “piss” and “pee” and honestly I got a lot of results, so clearly I am, and always have been, Part Of The Problem.

Beetle Bailey, 12/16/20

No one would ever mistake Lt. Fuzz for a Jacobin; his only ideological orientation is towards his own advancement. But clearly he’s not moving up the ladder in the army’s current structure, so maybe he thinks that so long as he backs the guillotining of a few aristocrats he’ll have better luck with the French Revolutionary practice of officers being elected by their soldiers (he won’t).

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/16/20

CALLING IT NOW: Buck has come down with just a touch of the ol’ diabeetus! In normal times, newspaper readers can handle exciting medical things happening to Buck, like him getting shot in the head with a nail gun. But in the midst of a global pandemic, and especially with Wilford Brimley’s tragic passing this year, we need the comfort of a diabeetus storyline, to anchor us emotionally.

Dennis the Menace, 12/16/20

“My goodness and badness exist in superposition in the same physical space, in defiance of the laws of physics! My mother cringes away from me whenever I approach in horror at the ontological whirlpool of virtue and vice that I have become!”

Hi and Lois, 12/16/20

Is someone laughing? Fooling around? Having fun? Well they won’t anymore, not after Lois gets to the bottom of this!

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Shoe, 12/1/20

As is so often the case with Shoe, the eyes really tell the story here. Roz’s are bugged out in panic, of course, as she watches her life’s work and only source of income literally going up in smoke. The Perfesser is experiencing sympathetic shock in panel one, but by panel two has already wound down to his typical heavy-lidded ennui. He’s realized he’s got to die somewhere and somehow, so it might as well be here, where he’s wasted so much of his life, via smoke inhalation.

Beetle Bailey, 12/1/20

Beetle Bailey is of course a strip where every single character’s name is incredibly, painfully on the nose. The most recently introduced recurring character is a “computer whiz” tech specialist name Chips Gizmo, for Pete’s sake. So I’m not surprised that they needed the name of a general for a boxing gag and so just went straight to “Dempsey”; I am surprised, and pleased, that they made him young, handsome, and so clearly and wholesomely pleased about the prospect of punching General Halftrack in the face.

Dustin, 12/1/20

Look, man, he asked you if you were excited about the conference. You could’ve just said “no,” you know? Jesus, is everyone in this strip just incredibly sour about everything?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/1/20

From the feature that thrilled you with “Rex waking up” — get ready for the edge-of-your-seat excitement of “Buck falling asleep”!