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Beetle Bailey, 8/8/15

Well well, it looks like Killer’s lothario ways were just a cover for what he really does with his spare time: trains in the secret, elite force that the richest of the rich worldwide will use to dispense with the outdated notion of the nation-state and seize power directly. The coup is this weekend, and there’s nothing you or me or Sarge or anyone else can do to stop it.

Apartment 3-G, 8/8/15

If you want proof of how far Apartment 3-G has fallen, here it is: a week that began with Margo dreaming of strangling her enemy is ending with Margo apparently on the verge of punting the planning of her parents’ wedding to the waitress of her favorite diner, right after said waitress insulted wedding planners, keeping in mind that Margo is an actual professional wedding planner.

Dennis the Menace, 8/8/15

Usually the golf course echoes with shouts of fealty to Our Lord Satan. The presence of this man of the cloth prevented the Dark One from rewarding Henry’s loyalty with improved scores … today.

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Beetle Bailey, 8/6/15

I’m not sure what I like more about this strip: the fact that Killer believes that pretending to be a semi-divine being from a higher plane of existence is a potentially productive seduction technique in the year 2015, or the fact that, based on the angle of the ropes in panels one and two, Beetle can’t be standing more than five feet away, meaning the conversation he and Killer had in panel one was completely audible to these poor young women.

Curtis, 8/6/15

Um, is Curtis about to embark on a storyline where where its title character is regularly eating “mystery meat” from a food truck, “mystery meat” that turns out to be … human flesh???? Once the fiendish butcher is caught and set to death row, will all the adults in Curtis’s life assure him that he couldn’t have known, that he committed no crime — and yet the guilt and shame will still haunt him for the rest of his life? If so, I will 100% forgive this strip for skipping the traditional Kwanzaa madness last year.

Archie, 8/6/15

Man, Archie Comics sure have their finger on the pulse of modern teen life, am I right? I mean, yard sales! God, there’s nothing a teen loves more than a yard sale.

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Family Circus, 7/21/15

Fifty weeks out of the year, the fine folks at Team Family Circus bring you wholesome jokes beneath drawings of children. This is them telling us they’re on vacation, dammit.

Beetle Bailey, 7/21/15

I’ve always suspected that for Sarge, beating down Beetle was an end in itself rather than an attempt at discipline, and here he flat-out admits it. But it’s sad how bored and disengaged he looks in the second panel there. “No, I don’t care about the nap.” you can hear him say, “Beatings — of the prescribed duration and intensity — are what I do. They have become who I am. But lately I don’t even care about the beatings. As soon as I’m done here, I’ll go weep into my food.”

Phantom, 7/21/15

OK, so Kipawa here has challenged Guran for chief of the Bandar, which really irritates Guran trufans Kit Jr. and Heloise. Now we all know Guran is going to pull some mysterious win-by-losing BS out from under that manskirt of his so don’t worry. But what’s with the dress code for these Bandar events? We usually see the kids in loose-fitting Bandar-style thong ‘n’ sarong outfits, but they put on Gap to visit the tribe? I mean, Dad hasn’t even changed from his work outfit (never changes it so ripe ugh poor Diana).

— Uncle Lumpy