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Archive: Beetle Bailey

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Uncomfortably sexual Wednesday

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/8/15

Good news, everyone! The comic strip that brought you “Nordic” and “solo car date” has another phrase that you can pretty much figure out from context but is 100% not something a native English speaker would say: “Lewis-and-Clarking.” Like, I guess this means he’s exploring her … with his eyes? For purposes of commerce, and to establish a claim of sovereignty at a later date? Eventually leading a treaty with Britain dividing land claims at the 49th parallel? OK, I think I’m losing the the thread here a bit.

Momma, 4/8/15

Now, the lowbrow amongst you are probably giggling at the “organ” double entendre, imagining the gentleman is talking about his (and a friend’s?) penis. Really, I don’t know why you need to go into the gutter to enjoy this comic. It’s literally about a man so in love with a woman that he’s willing to bloodily sacrifice himself so that she could live! “Please,” he begs her, “dismember me! Pull whatever useful parts you need out of my still-steaming corpse and throw the rest in the trash! I want nothing more than for some part of me, no matter how small, to literally become part of you!”

Beetle Bailey, 4/8/15

Hey, have you ever wondered about the inner life of Beetle Bailey characters? Like, have you thought about whether they have sex dreams? WELL TOO BAD YOU KNOW NOW

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Kung fu crime fighting

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Hi and Lois, 4/2/15

“Dad pretends to be OK with little kid threatening to run away” is an old humor trope, but the bolding on months really adds a subtle edge to this one, in my opinion. “Ha ha, yeah, cute hobo bindle, glad to see I raised a kid who appreciates the classics, and by the way I don’t want to see you again until fucking July at the earliest, OK? Seriously, why am I even looking at you now? The railyard’s a couple miles away, you could be there before dark if you hurry. Don’t wanna spend too much time around railyards after dark, that’s my last tip for you.”

Mary Worth, 4/2/15

“Josh,” you’re probably wondering, “when will you stop putting up episodes from this Mary Worth cop-romance flashback every day just to marvel at their hilarious squareness?” Oh, I don’t know, maybe around the time they stop being hilariously square, something which I earnestly pray will never happen. Guys, what’s more terrifying than karate? Probably synchronized karate, am I right? Two flying karate kicks, coming at you a perfect tandem forged by professional camaraderie, true love, and years of training in a bald sensei’s dojo. Not really sure why they even need the guns in panel two, to be honest.

Beetle Bailey, 4/2/15

True story: based on General Halftrack’s gobsmacked expression in panel two, I assumed Private Blips was about to double-check his temperature using a rectal thermometer and wanted a little privacy for the procedure. In fact, the joke is that General Halftrack’s temperature is high because he’s horny for Miss Buxley! I’m terrible, but I’m pretty sure that’s worse.

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Ha ha, it’s funny because they put cookies on their genitals

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Mary Worth, 2/28/15

Is this … is this the ending? The ending of this storyline? A mother and daughter shake hands while sitting amongst the boxes, having both found men to solve all their problems? A daughter makes vague promises to “help move,” probably involving browbeating the landscapers from her husband’s vast estate, and a mother makes vague promises to “help with the wedding,” which certainly doesn’t mean financial help and probably refers to picking out flowers or bridesmaids dresses or something? Also, the mother is going blind? Let’s not forget that the mother is going blind and that the flowers and bridesmaids dresses will be even more hideous than usual. Little Gordon sits on the floor, entirely lost in his electronic world. This is the delightfully transactional ending this story deserves.

Dennis the Menace, 2/28/15

Hmm, Dennis’s teacher takes him aside after class, as if to gently correct him privately, but makes sure to do it while the other children are still in earshot, so that they can snicker at his ignorance! I’d say the menace has become the menaced, except that Dennis managed to get a Sunday School lesson to linger on nudity and shame, so maybe he’s playing a much deeper game here.

Beetle Bailey, 2/28/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because nobody likes Sarge, and it’s breaking his heart!