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Judge Parker, 5/30/15

Uh oh, looks like there’s already trouble in paradise between Neddy and her handsome designer! It seems that Neddy assumes, based on all evidence she’s been presented with over the course of her post-adoption life, that her half-baked business plan will be an instant success, so she’ll need a lot of inventory right away, and Hank seems irked that he’ll have to make use of the Spencer-Driver clan’s bottomless well of money to handle this! He’s going to be even more upset when finds out that all the employees at this factory are going to be old people and he’s going to have to build everything to accommodate their Rascal scooters.

Beetle Bailey, 5/30/15

I mean … this would be pretty funny comprehensible as a joke if it were a person wildly misinterpreting a doctor’s orders to eat greens? Perhaps someone who’s obsessed with golf, like our General Halftrack? And not an animal that’s already herbivorous? Unless the joke is that Halftrack is so blotto that he’s having a hallucination that he’s talking to a rabbit. That would be hilarious! Wait, no, sad, I mean very very sad.

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Apartment 3-G, 5/29/15

Haha whoops it seems that world-famous movie star Greg failed to ask his ex-girlfriend to dinner and now she will use her power as a mediocre publicist to completely destroy him, which will be very easy to do since he’s a rich and popular celebrity. Angry … vindictive … wildly delusional … Margo’s back, baby!

Beetle Bailey, 5/29/15

“Boy, a lot of the black guys and gals I see on TV are growin’ those Afros again. What’re they for, anyway? Heh, I bet they’re a good place to put those darn whosits, the music thing with the headphones, not a Walkman, the other thing. iPod! That’s it! Hehehehehe!” The preceding is the most old-white-man chain of thought I can imagine, and I am 100% sure it’s what led to today’s Beetle Bailey.

Mary Worth, 5/29/15

Oh God … the way she rests her hand on his lips, trying to gently cram his unwanted proposal back into his mouth … it’s just exquisite. This is everything I wanted from today’s Mary Worth. I am an extremely satisfied customer.

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Spider-Man, 5/27/15

Oh, look, Spider-Man is literally snooping on his former best friend’s confidential psychotherapy session, listening in as Harry weepingly describes his grief over his father, whom Spider-Man killed. And what’s going through Spidey’s head in this fraught emotional moment? “You know who was great as Batman? Michael Keaton! Clooney and Kilmer were jokes, of course, but I frankly think, despite all the hype, that Christian Bale was overrated in the role as well.”

Beetle Bailey, 5/27/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because the hair on the back of General Halftrack’s head looks like a butt! Also, the face on the front of his head shows us a look of deep despair as he realizes that he’s entirely superfluous, and the institution to which he’s dedicated his entire life has no use for him anymore!

Mark Trail, 5/27/15

“Rusty sure is going to be excited when he sees these two little beavers! Hey … those ducks give me an idea … I’ll get Rusty excited about these little beavers, then make him watch as I set them free in the lake, ensuring that he’ll never see them again! The ducks gave me the idea because everyone knows ducks are assholes.”

Herb and Jamaal, 5/27/15

“Heh, my wife may have a serious problem with compulsive shopping! Am I going to say anything about it? No. Am I going to smile smugly while I silently engage in wordplay? You’d better believe it!”