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Hi and Lois and Beetle Bailey, 3/3/12

Ha ha, it’s funny because Hi is flirting with some other lady right in front of his wife, and General Halftrack is reacting to his wife’s attempt to initiate intimacy with undisguised horror! I mean, we get it, entire staff of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, you find the prospect of having sex with your wives repulsive, no need to harp on it. (I was originally going to write “sex with your spouses” to cover the possibility that someone working there might be a lady or gay, but then I was thought about the last 30+ years of Beetle Bailey and Hi and Lois and Hagar the Horrible and decided, nope, “wives” it is.)

Apartment 3-G, 3/3/12

Now here’s a couple with a healthy sex life! I almost wrote “a healthy relationship,” but then I remembered their widely divergent attitudes about the child they’re about to have together. At least they still like to get it on! Seriously, I assume that whoever hacked into the servers of the market research company that’s asking newspaper readers about what they want to see in Apartment 3-G and replaced all the survey responses with “PREGO PORN” is one of my readers, and I just want you to know that you’re my hero.

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Jumble, 2/22/12

Oh, look, beloved Jumble artist Jumble Jeff appears to have put me in prison, again! Fun fact about me: one of my few recurring nightmares is that I’m about to be sent away to prison for some indeterminate crime, and I’m full of dread and terror about it. That’s probably why I developed my jailhouse strategy of becoming a prison librarian, which was dashed a few years ago when I learned that prison librarians are actually employees of the local library system and not prisoners themselves. This cartoon simultaneously raises another possible strategy — becoming a member of a prison drama club — and dashes it, as “creative differences” clearly would lead to a shiv to the gut in short order.

Rex Morgan, 2/22/12

Leave it to Rex Morgan, M.D., to somehow bring organ sales into the plotline in the most simultaneously gross and boring way! Yesterday we learned that Mabel offered part of her liver to her ex-(husband? lover? still haven’t figured this out) if he would move back in with her and stop drinking. I think Rex has this dynamic 100% wrong! She’s not selling her liver-chunk, she’s bribing someone with it! Is it a crime to bribe someone with a chunk of your liver? Is this all our Congress has to do with its time, making it illegal for us to literally slice apart our internal organs and offer them to old drunks in exchange for love and cohabitation and sobriety? I guess democracy really has failed, by God.

Mary Worth, 2/22/12

There’s nothing I like better after a big promotion than putting my hands behind my head, leaning back, thinking evil thoughts, and then somehow rearranging my facial features so I look like a completely different person! (Ha ha, just kidding, I’ve never gotten a “big promotion” in my life.) How do you think Nola “earned” that office, hmm? Was it a sex thing? A cruelty thing? A cruel sex thing? I’m betting on cruel sex thing, myself.

Beetle Bailey, 2/22/12

Believe it or not, this Beetle Bailey strip actually works on a number of levels! If you want to get to its intended destination — ha ha, General Halftrack is extremely old — you could laugh along with Miss Buxley’s evocation of an archaic form of rifle that she implies the General once fired in combat, or you could just notice that he appears to have dozed off in his office chair in the middle of the workday.

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Mark Trail, 2/12/12

Oh, hey, Mark, have you slipped something completely horrifying into the last panel of Sunday’s nature lesson? Yes, let’s all gaze upon the repulsive New Zealand flatworm, which has no natural predators. Presumably once they finish devouring all the earthworms available, they’ll start moving up the food chain, and by the time they get to humans they’ll be about six feet long and completely unstoppable. Fortunately, these monsters appear to be confined to island nations at the moment, but it’s probably best to eradicate all life in New Zealand and Great Britain with atomic fire, just to be sure.

Beetle Bailey, 2/12/12

Of course, it may already be too late for the rest of the world, as even members of the U.S. military appears to have been infected with awful mutagenic diseases that can transform them into horrific beast-men.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/12/12

And don’t forget, Crazy Harry, every birthday brings you closer to the moment when you’ll tumble through the narrows of the hourglass of time onto an awful pit of impaling spikes! ARE YOU SMILING AS YOU BLOW OUT THOSE CANDLES, WHY ARE YOU SMILING, BIRTHDAYS ARE FOR THINKING ABOUT DEATH AND ONLY DEATH