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Beetle Bailey, 5/24/11

I realize that making fun of Beetle Bailey for being lazy is in and of itself lazy at this point, but come on, would it have killed one of the no doubt half-dozen people who had a hand in the production of this panel to have created an even remotely plausible scenario in which Sarge would reach for a donut and then fall off a cliff? Maybe they could have, I don’t know, depicted the donut in some way? Suspended from a string just over the ledge as part of an elaborate trap set by Beetle? A hallucination of the poor food-addicted sergeant? Just in a box, lying on the ground? Help me out here.

Six Chix, 5/24/11/

I guess the joke is supposed to be on the prying old lady, but her sly smile in panel one indicates that she’s not even remotely scandalized by her neighbor’s response. “Well, in my day we liked to keep things within the confines of marriage, but the most important thing is that you’re experiencing erotic pleasure with your favorite man on a regular basis. You go with your bad self, young lady! It’s lucky that we have so much space between our houses, so we can be as vocal as we want in the throes of orgasm and not worry about bothering each other!” She’d probably be disappointed to learn that the younger woman is just using her coffee maker as some kind of makeshift sex toy.

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Panel from Hi and Lois, 5/15/11

Perhaps you have lived your life thinking that Hi Flagston is a well-adjusted suburban dad and not a completely unfulfilled emotional basket case whose veneer of sanity is always on the verge of shattering, revealing the madness beneath? Well, today’s throwaway panel will change your mind, my friend. Just as Hi’s hero Tony Montana wiped out a trio of enemies with his improvised weaponry, Hi apparently plans to literally mow down anyone who stands in his way — starting, tragically, with his own son.

Apartment 3-G, 5/15/11

Whoops, it looks like I was wrong about who was getting married in the current A3G wedding interlude, but, in my defense, I don’t care about Jack and Doris at all, so whatever. Still, I have to admit that Doris’s ad-libbed “FOREVER” in panel two sounds a lot like what she’d proclaim right before, say, dipping her beloved in a vat of liquid bronze so that he remains forever perfect and untouched by the hand of time, which might explain why Margo looks so put off in the final panel by the thought that what happened at the church today could happen to anyone.

Beetle Bailey, 5/15/11

So, what’s the most disturbing panel in today’s Beetle Bailey? It’s the pillow-humping, right? It’s not just me, is it?

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Beetle Bailey, 5/13/11

Now that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has been repealed, the love between Sarge and Beetle that Dare Not Speak Its Name is no longer the most poignant human relationship in this strip. That title now belongs to the Halftracks’ marriage, aka The Love That Could Freely Speak Its Name Were It Not Cold And Dead And Shriveled Up At The Bottom Of A Ravine. At one level their relationship is fairly simple: he drinks and makes doomed passes at younger, prettier women, she nags him, and neither of them would think about leaving the other because what else is there in life but this? And yet within these basic parameters, endless permutations of pain and hatred are possible.

Today’s skirmish is particularly amazing. Can you imagine the trouble Mrs. Halftrack must have gone through to have an enormous liquor bottle custom made? The expense? The meticulous attention to detail needed to get label just right? Not to mention the hours and money spent pouring gallon after gallon of scotch into the thing. And yet, by the way her expression of feigned helplessness in panel one smoothly transforms into a hardened glare in panel two, we can tell that every minute and dollar was absolutely worth it, just to rub her anger in the pathetic old drunk’s face. Good luck moving it out of the living room where your guests can see it! Oh, wait, you don’t have guests, because nobody likes either of you.

Funk Winkerbean, 5/13/11

Uh, Summer is aware that Les’s book is about her mother’s slow, agonizing death, right? Or maybe she knows how Hollywood works and realizes that by the time Lisa’s Story hits theaters in three years or so, it will be about a sexy, ruthless secret agent dedicated to tracking down and capturing a terrorist mastermind code-named “Cancer.”

Mark Trail, 5/13/11

“Yes, it’s wholly possible that John is a dangerous armed lunatic! That’s why I’m going to let you walk six feet in front of me, Andy. Try not to get shot or fall into any pits or whatever!”