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Beetle Bailey, 3/19/11

Six years ago when this panel ran the first (?) time, I was willing to let it pass as a goofy placeholder from a creative team that just sort of couldn’t think of anything to do that day. It may have been an abdication of creativity, but at least the numerous visual details represented more work than what goes into Beetle Bailey strips that actually contain jokes. And really, are Beetle Bailey jokes all they’re cracked up to be? Can we honestly say that we want more Beetle Bailey jokes out there in the world?

And yet now that I know that this is just the strip they pull out when they have nothing else to run, and that it’s gone out who knows how many times … well, I wouldn’t have thought I could have less respect for Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, but I have been proven wrong. I don’t know which possibility is worse: that some strip was submitted that, due to its complete lack of even vague entertainment value, was rejected by the syndicate, resulting in this stopgap being reprinted, or that someone over at W-BAHI LLC suddenly had the realization at deadline that “oh, crap, we have to do a Saturday strip too? Damn it, I need to start writing this stuff down.”

Apartment 3-G, 3/19/11

Ha ha, Dan, you’re not going to disabuse Iris of the notion that you’re some kind of hobo tramp bum drifter homeless person if you keep using that old-timey slang. But all questions about his archaic socioeconomic status seem a lot less important now that we know that Iris has a ringtone that can briefly obliterate all of existence.

Archie, 3/19/11

Hot Dog’s ears are lifted in shock in the final panel, which must mean that none of Jughead’s interpretation of his inner thoughts are correct. I’m guessing he’s thinking “Wait, I have fleas? And you’re not doing anything about them? Christ, you really are the laziest pet owner alive.”

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Momma, 3/16/11

I may joke about Marmaduke as a monstrous demon-beast, but if you want real, honest-to-goodness terror in the comics, you’ve got to focus on the mundane slice-of-life strips that years ago wandered deep into the woods of misanthropy and nihilism. Funky Winkerbean is the most famous of these, of course, but it’s also self-consciously arty about its wallowing in misery. For my money, the most depressing are strips like Momma, which presents itself as a cheerful gag-a-day strip despite the fact that it’s about a monstrous mother and the children who loathe her. Today’s strip can barely even be said to contain a joke: mostly, it’s just about how neither Momma’s daughter-in-law nor (even more depressingly) her son have ever enjoyed talking to her, not even once.

On the bright side, I’m pretty sure this is the first Momma that’s lavished quite so much attention on Tina’s breasts.

Beetle Bailey, 3/16/11

This, on the other hand, actually strikes me as a pointed bit of character-driven comedy (to the extent that the cast members of Beetle Bailey have “characters”). Ha ha, poor, sweet Miss Buxley thinks General Halftrack is sad about his obsolescence, when in fact he’s just trying to sit perfectly still and interact with as few external objects or concepts as possible! Best case scenario, he’s massively hung over, but he’s probably just taking a not-at-all-well-deserved respite from thinking about anything in particular as he eagerly awaits the sweet death that never comes.

Shoe, 3/16/11

In other news, the publication date of this particular comic didn’t turn out to be horribly ill-timed at all!

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Hey, it’s the Comics Curmudgeon Spring Fundraiser — thank you for your generousity!

For April Fools’ Day 1997, comic strip writers and artists famously crossed over without their editors’ knowledge to do one another’s strips. Here, check it out. Of course fourteen years on, comics cabals aren’t what they used to be — but let’s see what they’ve got:

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/9/11

Premiering the new hybrid puzzle and kids’ comic, The Jumble: Origins.

Gil Thorp, 3/9/11

Mary Worth‘s Wilbur Weston reads Gil Thorp: “Something something girls something SAMMITCH! something something basketball something.”

Mother Goose and Grimm, 3/9/11

They isk a tide in th’ affairsk of mens,
Which, takink at th’ flood, leads on t’ fourchins;
Omitked, all th’ voya guv their lifes
Isk bound in shallowsk and in miseriesiz!

Funky Winkerbean, 3/9/11

C-list Funky Winkerbean character (how’s that for suicide juice?) and comic author Mopey Pete battles a pair of Tin Age D.C. Comics villains through an anxious night. Hey, Mopes, I know Chien‘s out of the picture, but why not give Dawn a Tweet? I bet she’s still awake!

Blondie, 3/9/11

OK, Mother Goose and and Grimmy the dog … come from FAR AWAY because … um … it’s a different comic and … um … nursery rhymes and … what, maybe Shrek? … DAMMIT BLONDIE CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP HERE?

Cross over to the fabulous side, with a generous donation to the Comics Curmudgeon!

— Uncle Lumpy