Post Content

Gil Thorp, 4/8/09

Yesterday I was mildly amused by Gil getting hit in the head with a pop fly, but nothing could prepare me for the sheer awesome madness of … this, whatever this is. A baseball improbably rapping our favorite flattopped coach in the flattop twice before landing neatly in his hat? It’s one of those terrifying moments when you suddenly realize that the safe narrative confines to which you’ve grown accustomed have fallen away and ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Perhaps Gil will be on the receiving end of any number of bizarre events, good and bad and escalating in oddity, with the spring storyline turning into some kind of Latin American magic realist novel. Of course, everything after that first whack on the noggin will be just a dream percolating in Gil’s polyhedronical skull; in reality, he’s lying unconscious on the field, and his players are trying to figure out if they can get his wallet out of his pocket without waking him up.

Beetle Bailey, 4/8/09

You know, sometimes I have little moments when I think to myself “Maybe it’s gone a little too far with this whole comic strip thing.” Those moments come when I, for instance, spend fifteen minutes poking through my archives trying to figure out the deal with Beetle Bailey’s hats. Someone once told me that the hats the soldiers in this strip wear are a mishmosh of different uniform styles from different decades (which is true for just about any visual cue in a Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC strip, I suppose); while everyone else seems to get just one designated bit of headgear, though, Beetle actually gets to change hats now and then. In the iconic image of Beetle that I have in my mind, he’s wearing this mushy baseball-cap-type thing, but lately he generally wears a slightly more military looking cap. The hat he’s wearing today is the one I usually associate with Killer, though perhaps it is the Army-approved lady-sexing cap, because Beetle seems to wear it on his dates with Miss Buxley and other environments where ladies might be romanced.

In other news, Miss Buxley apparently lies around her house disheveled and wearing only sleepwear in what I assume is the late afternoon or early evening. This is also true of me, but I’m guessing nobody gets all hot and bothered about that.

Marvin, 4/8/09

Good lord, what is that inky black puddle Marvin’s mom is cleaning up? Does the awful tyke piss out pure evil?

Momma, 4/8/09

Wait, did that guy just offer to donate a kidney or something to Momma? Because I can’t see what else he might mean about Momma needing a couple of orgAUGH UNTHINK IT UNTHINK IT UNTHINK IT

Post Content

Family Circus, 4/5/09

This has got to be one of the most heartbreaking Family Circus cartoons I’ve ever seen. After spending all day (and all of her young womanhood) shut in with her litter of squallers, she’s suddenly confronted with the prospect of interacting with another adult — someone who wouldn’t want to spend time in a living room covered with cheap plastic crap and poorly-colored pictures, someone who she might even want to look nice for. Naturally, it turns out to be just another one of the little neighborhood urchins. At least he’s proposing to take Jeffy outside, so she can weep with abandon.

Beetle Bailey, 4/5/09

At long last, Beetle Bailey admits that American soldiers in training might be preparing to do something other than make stale jokes about alcoholism, sexual harassment, and fisticuffs! Still, one has to hope that the final panel — in which it is suggested that Castro’s long-standing paranoia about a U.S. invasion is true, that France’s Pacific possessions will be an invasion target as America gets involved in its first-ever war with a nuclear-armed opponent, and that American soil itself will soon find itself under military occupation and martial law — is as far removed from reality as this strip’s typical content.

Crock, 4/5/09

The throwaway strip that sits atop each Sunday’s Crock always features the strip’s title character’s name carved into a stone monument sitting majestically in the middle of the desert, like some kind of Ayers Rock-like monument to the French colonial empire; generally random characters wander around said Crock-rock making confusing references to the joke to follow. So I suppose I shouldn’t be unsettled by today’s edition, in which the great monolith seems to be muttering obscenities to itself — but I am, OK? I really am.

Post Content

Folks, we’re seeing a real epidemic here. Faithful readers have already brought to light the worst kind of joke recycling from The Family Circus and Blondie. Now we see that the boys at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC are getting in on the act, thanks to this damning evidence from faithful reader Tom. Compare the strip from last Sunday with an installment from 1987:

The sort of fascinating thing here is that, unlike the other two self-plagiarized strips, the new Beetle Bailey has been entirely redrawn; only the gag has been recycled. This is funny because the typical Beetle Bailey gag isn’t really that hard to come up with, if you follow me. The minor differences between the two strips are kind of interesting as well: apparently in prudish 1987 we weren’t allowed to actually specify what kind of calendars Killer collected, and while Reagan-era Rocky rocked out to music recorded on that time period’s favored format, the current incarnation is some kind audiophile retro-geek. You should also note that, against all odds, the set-up throwaway panels are even lamer in the 2009 strip, possibly because the artists are now uncomfortable portraying American soldiers as desperate beer-guzzling alcoholics. (Portraying them as semi-catatonics is apparently still OK.)

In other news, faithful reader yellojkt’s National Kinkiest Komic Karacter Kick-Off is wrapping up, with voting in the hottest mom, most desirable dominatrix, and best bear categories.

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“My God, Tommie, if the cereal you buy is ‘Health Flakes,’ what type of vibrator do you own?” –Dingo

And the hilarious runners up!

“I admire how orderly and polite Tommie’s thoughts are in the morning. Under similar circumstances, my thoughts would’ve probably been: ‘Who the fuck…? Goddamn, can’t I even have my mug of milk in the morning?'” –Joe Blevins

“No, the woman your dad is seeing tonight, while I sit with you kids, is his girlfriend. I’m … Tommie.” –ohyes

“Oh, Peter Parker is happy. I thought that was a douchey look and statement of sarcasm. ‘Oh man, that’s great! I’ll have the smell of mothballs and Jean Nate perfume to look forward to.'” –scruffylove

“If poor old Aunt May is so frail that the lights unexpectedly being turned off can trigger a medical condition, then I’m sure that Peter’s horrible, horrible smile in the third panel will cause a stroke.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Oh, man! That’s great! It’s so great I’m going to ride my giant invisible pogo stick!” –Dannymo

“I am sincerely grateful for today’s Blondie. In this sadly diminished post-Scaduto world I had thought never again to see a squat, impossibly-legged man whose ensemble seems incomplete without an ‘I like Ike’ button characterizing something as ‘the bomb.’ I’m just going to go ahead and assume his name is Boffo Barfington.” –Violet

“I interpret Kenley’s ‘Oh’ as an abbreviated form of ‘Oh, sorry, I thought there might be something interesting about you.'” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

“Also, what kind of doctor’s office sends that kind of news by text? ‘U may hv CNCR n yr nutz. PLz call ASAP. KTHXBAI.'” –Old School Allie Cat

“I think my favorite part of Funky Winkerbean today is the news announcer’s use of ‘plummet,’ a fantastic verb that would normally not find much use in the Funkyverse, as the characters and their hopes and dreams do no so much ‘plummet’ as ‘spiral slowly into a black pit of despair’ from which there is no escape. Oh, and also, cancer.” –Lorna

“The irony is that Crankshaft used to drive Funky’s bus when Funky was in high school. Now Funky is going to die before Crankshaft. That should bring a smirk to his face.” –Racing J

“‘Queenie,’ you and Ted CAN make it on your doctor’s salary. You may have to budget, though. No more volumizing shampoo — oops, you already have cut back in that department.” –blackgoat

“What sort of power does Adrian have over Ted that instead of inspiring confidence and diverting attention away from his real schemes, Ted confesses his problems and failures at her slightest raised eyebrow? ‘I have no money! I lost my job! I knowingly wrote a bad check for your dad! I’m marrying you for the money!’ Soon he’ll be curled up at Adrian’s feet, sobbing out things like, ‘I proposed because you remind me of my dog! I can’t spell! This mustache is pasted on!’ Adrian’s right: her dad won’t worry about the check. Dr. Jeff will be too horrified at seeing a younger version of his relationship with Mary Worth to think about anything else.” –Eldaglass

“Watching Funky Winkerbean descend into all-out open sadism is like the comedic equivalent of the relief that comes when you finally begin to vomit after spending ten minutes hovering nauseously over the toilet bowl.” –commodorejohn

“There’s been a lot of talk about Funky’s junk today, but we still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room. Does it or does it not smell like mozzarella?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Rusty doesn’t recognize money because one panel earlier it was a limp, green fish. Rusty also doesn’t recognize the cruel trick Mark is playing on him with those clothes choices.” –Dragon of Life

“The gift of a crepe maker says, ‘I’ll still be here for breakfast, but instead of staying in bed with me, I’ll expect you to get up at 5 a.m. and spend hours cooking me fancy French meals.’ It’s the kind of mixed message you’d expect from a woman wearing a bathrobe over a turtleneck.” –BigTed

“I’m pretty certain the phone company yanks out the old payphones and takes them away. Funky probably has some abandoned fetus in that box.” –Rusty

“A young child knows how to turn on the TV?! She’s a witch! A witch! BURN HER!” –Ista

“It’s time for Funky Winkerbean to reconsider that jaunty font in the title panel. That worked fine when it was a silly school comic, but it looks absurd in the present version, and doubly so when it has the wan balding pate of Miserable Q. Avatar floating right there beside it. Batiuk needs to look into some more modern shit like Times New Sarcoma or Dead Wife Sans.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“She knows how to turn on the TV? She’s doing better than me, with the eighteen goddamn remotes.” –The Restless Mouse

“Current tweener storyline aside, does the artist of [Judge Parker] get paid by the cup size?” –thurston unger

“Mary’s head is just swimming with where to start meddling! ‘Who do I track down first?! This mysterious lover, or the health inspector to close this place down for using the bathroom as a salad prep station?!'” –Rachel211

“Mark Trail’s narration box must have been on a pee break or something. ‘What’d I miss? Oh, did panel 1 confuse you? Well, the man has the camera now, see? That’s about all I got, sorry.'” –JP (not Judge Parker)

“Many a young man is advised to ‘think about baseball’ so as avoid the embarrassment of premature ejaculation. However, Gil Thorp takes this to new heights, avoiding Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp’s obvious sexual come-on (‘we both have some gaps‘) by focusing on Matt Rogers’ lack of hitting prowess.” –DownwithOPP

“I just love that Slylock has a wardrobe labeled ‘disguises’. I also love that it contains 1) a bunny suit, 2) a lion suit, 3) a rat suit, and 4) a hat, a whip, and a pair of tall leather boots. Slylock is thus equipped to sneak into virtually any kind of S&M club in town, be it herbivore, carnivore, omnivore, gay omnivore, what have you.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

“I love the first panel in today’s Mark Trail, and not only because it looks like the guy blackjacked Rusty with his own camera. I like its wordless violence, opening today’s strip with only an afterthought of an explanation in the third panel. It’s almost pop art. It should be pop art. How much do you think it would cost to blow this up and hang on a wall, so that I can go to sleep each night with the cheerful thought of Mark’s freaky-deaky kid getting robbed and punched out by a subhuman goon?” –teddytoad

Often imitated and never duplicated are those who put some cash in my tip jar! And our advertisers would never self-copy:

• Bitter Things: A novel of love, sex, memory, and blood. “Brings new meaning to the word ‘Vampire,’ ripping it from the pages of folkloric fantasy and shoving it into the realm of horrific plausibility. I defy anyone to put this novel down,” says Deborah LeBlanc, Author of Water Witch.

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.