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Funky Winkerbean, 8/13/20

Oh, look, everyone! Les is saving Lisa twice! The “Montoni’s Burns Down” plot happened during the gap when I wasn’t reading Funky Winkerbean, but has anyone ever suggested that maybe Lisa got cancer because of breathing in the hazardous fumes formed when Montoni’s truly noxious pizza sauce caught flame? Just spitballing here! Probably Marianne will end up dying of cancer too for similar reasons not long after finishing filming Lisa’s Story (Mason’s hair product cabinet caught on fire, maybe?) and Les will accept her Best Actress Oscar. His sad yet smug self-importance will blot out the sun.

Beetle Bailey, 8/13/20

I was going to get absolutely enraged that this furry is clearly a wolf and yet his briefcase says “Grizz & Assoc.”, but then I realized he’s probably the “associates” and “Grizz” is his boss (a bear furry, obviously). Anyway, what’s your favorite thing about his outfit? When you answer, keep in mind that his outfit consists of a vest, a suit jacket, a bow tie, and nothing else.

Mark Trail, 8/13/20

Hey man, I was pretty sanguine about Tabby’s abandonment because I was 100% sure she would find a safe home with the Trails, but I am not cool with how cavalier Mark’s being about the packs of rabid feral dogs roaming the area! Sure, Rusty’s had his shots, so the worst that could happen to him is that he gets lightly-to-mediumly mauled, but we don’t want Tabby’s story ending in an Old Yeller scenario, or, worse, a Cujo situation, so let’s get moving on that rabies vaccination, shall we?

Crankshaft, 8/13/20

I really hope they get through to Jeff Bezos, and I hope he takes them seriously! I hope he pulls out all the stops and uses all the power that’s accrued to his trillion-dollar megacorporation to just absolutely crush this streetside lemonade stand, the illegal, unpermitted bookstore it’s attached to, and the entire Centerville economy, just to be on the safe side.

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Beetle Bailey, 8/10/20

Every once in a while, Beetle Bailey accidentally stumbles into creating a surrealist masterpiece, and I think today is one of those days. What’s your favorite part of this unsettling dreamscape? I’m a big fan of the forest suddenly giving way to the Sonoran Desert, the barbed wire fence that just abruptly stops, and, of course, the way the soldiers stand silently a foot or so apart in a seemingly infinite line, their faces carefully absent of any emotion or affect.

Mary Worth, 8/10/20

Look, Toby, tens of thousands of people successfully produce passable banana bread every year, and it’s not because there’s a secret ingredient only they know that they aren’t letting you in on! Stop trying to make Madi betray her beloved dead grandmother’s secrets just so you can get a tiny bit of clout at your dumb condo board meeting. I was going to say “just admit that you’re an artist, not a baker,” but then I remembered that you’re not much of an artist, either.

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Beetle Bailey, 8/4/20

It’s bad new for the General that the “Halftracks hate each other” bits seems to have fully detached from their usual scheduled weekend slot and are now just popping up on any old day. It’s great news for me, though, because I’m a black-hearted sadist who can’t get enough of these gags! Anyway, today’s joke is that even sleep cannot free General Halftrack from the all-consuming psychic pain that his marriage causes him; only alcohol’s consciousness-obliterating powers can do that, and only briefly.

The Lockhorns, 8/4/20

Speaking of marital misanthropy, the rather abstract Lockhorns art style makes it difficult to really convey the sort of grunge you actually want a cleaning person to take care of — does anyone actually pay someone to pick a couch cushion off the floor? — but honestly I’m reasonably sure the Lockhorns don’t have a cleaning lady, and that the “cleaning lady” is like George and Martha’s fake son in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, with Loretta bringing her up every time the papers start piling up.

Funk Winkerbean, 8/4/20

[clapping excitedly] EVERYBODY’S GONNA DIE