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Archive: Beetle Bailey

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Thursday fast takes

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Mary Worth, 7/16/20

“Not long. You know, Madi, I used to have a husband and son, but do you hear me complaining about their death and their mysterious disappearance, respectively? Of course not. I push all that pain deep down inside. Remember, the past only exists by how you remember it!”

Beetle Bailey, 7/16/20

The list of hilariously off base “This is what Beetle Bailey thinks a [insert any noun here] looks like” is of course long and storied, but what Beetle Bailey apparently thinks a rock musician looks like is a particularly great addition to it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/16/20

“It’s not like we, say, own a clinic together. Can you imagine? Like, I’d have to look at your dumb sour face all day, for one thing. To say nothing of dealing with your terrible personality.”

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Friday mostly quickies

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Mark Trail, 7/10/20

Wow, this hotshot Hollywood producer clearly does not respect her himbo movie star boyfriend’s intellectual capabilities or ability to focus on consecutive sentences within a conversation at all, does she? “Jeremy, honey, [plausible-sounding justification for visiting Mark Trail]!” “And that’s why you set up a public meeting with me and Mr. Trail?” “Yes, I think it would be a good idea for [plausible-sounding justification for visiting Mark Trail that’s entirely different from the one she just floated like 15 seconds earlier]!”

Beetle Bailey, 7/10/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because Beetle suffered a traumatic brain injury!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/10/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because Sheriff Tait broke his hand punching Snuffy in the face!

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Death, youth, and the ‘gram

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/6/20

Haha, well, this is one of the grimmer scenarios Snuffy Smith has served up to us, isn’t it folks? Was the head of the local cemetery so hated that his former subordinates, now leaderless and squabbling, have to bury him in the dead of night, with no witnesses? Anyway, what I actually want in life is for every scene in any visual art that depicts a heavy reminder of life’s mortality to feature Snuffy Smith wandering through the foreground, a sack full of stolen chickens over his shoulder and a tongue lolling out of his mouth indicating his amusement at human frailties.

Mark Trail, 7/6/20

You know, back when Rusty was a mere “ward,” he never would’ve dared to express admiration for bad boy movie stars, because he knew that one wrong move and he’d be sent back to the orphanage, or just lured out to the forest with the promise of a “fishing trip” and then abandoned. But ever since Mark started letting Rusty call him “dad”, the kid thinks he can get away with anything! Hopefully Jeremy Cartwright will turn out to be a real shitheel and Rusty will realize that Mark and only Mark is a good example.

Beetle Bailey, 7/6/20

Wow, if I had to guess which character in a long-running legacy comic strip was secretly an Instagram food influencer, Sarge would … not be it? Like, we’d all think it was Dagwood, right? Definitely Dagwood. Anyway, all of the obvious variations on “Sgt. Snorkel” are as of this writing still available as usernames on Instagram, so feel free to start a gimmick account that you’ll get bored with in a week or two!