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Funky Winkerbean, 3/2/22

I truly enjoy the fact that these two old timer comics artist have been dragged out of retirement (one of them was actually dragged back to life from the realm of ghosts and spirits) to add a little Golden Age verve to Atomik Comix, only to be told they should do a comic where their super-powered heroes should battle, like, a metaphor, man. Their facial expressions in the final panel are absolutely appropriate.

Beetle Bailey, 3/2/22

TIRED: Sarge and Beetle’s public antagonism is a cover for a secret sexual relationship that has a lot less reason to be secret now that gay service members can serve openly.
WIRED: Pvt. Blips and Spc. Gizmo are a couple of real freaks whose kinks cannot be accommodated by banal physical reality. They spend all day plugged into their Oculus Rifts and teledildonic rigs so they can enjoy the experience of 69ing each other in the metaverse as two unicorns with multiple sets of genitalia or whatever. These kids are the nastiest people in this comic and I am here for it.

Blondie, 3/2/22

I was about to say that a doctor saying, “C’mon, can’t you open wider than that?” to a child would be fine but saying it to an adult would be extremely creepy. But isn’t Dagwood essentially a child, with his constant cheerful indulgence of his own appetites, his love of dressing up, and his inability to take his job seriously? He definitely should be condescended to like an 8-year-old and his doctor knows it. Anyway, he also has throat cancer.

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Blondie, 3/1/22

Sorry, I know Blondie loves nothing more than mash together their characters’ extremely broadly defined character traits with whatever “topical content” they can think of, but I have to call bullshit on this one. Sure, Dagwood Bumstead 1.0, the wealthy, dissolute failson, would’ve hopped on the Panama Limited in Chicago and turned his Pullman Car into an impromptu speakeasy before rolling into New Orleans the next morning, then spent the next week in a gin and ether haze throwing beads at flappers. But 2022 Dagwood Bumstead is a smug, polo-shirt wearing suburbanite who doesn’t spend any time in whatever city his suburb is next to and he absolutely isn’t going to some gross place like New Orleans where he might see poor people enjoying themselves in an uncouth manner. I suppose it’s possible he used the request to get Mr. Dithers to “compromise” on letting him dress like a jackass at work, but I honestly don’t think Dithers needs much prompting to let Dagwood embarrass himself in public.

Mary Worth, 3/1/22

Cal and Toby’s frisbee banter is very weird, as they’re repeatedly complimenting each other on their skills at an extremely simple pastime for children. I’m wondering if Cal is supposed to be an Ultimate Frisbee player, which is somewhat more difficult, but the syndicate made them take out “Ultimate” because it wasn’t relatable or maybe was trademarked, and then the artist interpreted the resulting dialogue by having these two just hurling a frisbee at each other with maximum force from like two feet away.

The Lockhorns, 3/1/22

Gotta love the little puff of breath in front of Leroy, telling you this is a cold day. He could’ve stayed home, or in the car, but he braved the chill to follow Loretta right up to the door of the spa so he could lob this little poison dart at her at the very last minute and ensure that the entire experience was ruined for her.

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Blondie, 2/21/22

You all hopefully know my strong feeling on putting a hat on a hat, which is to say combining two jokes together in a way that each of them detracts from the other. Well, I am afraid that comics are at it again, in this regard! The idea of Dithers building a golden idol to himself is … well, not funny, per se, but is a perfectly acceptable joke-like Blondie punchline. Meanwhile, the thought of Dagwood’s cranky old boss becoming obsessed with 3-D printing has the potential to be actually funny, like if we really saw him getting into it, but since we don’t, this is an Elmo wants to save his bitcoin to buy a drone-level “have you heard of this technology?” joke. Anyway, two crappy hats on top of each other don’t make a good hat. Also, is that statue gold? I’m pretty sure you can’t 3-D print with gold.

Hagar the Horrible, 2/21/22

Look, Hagar, the whole thing about being a Viking is that you sail far away from your icy Nordic home and seize loot from from the wealthier and weaker kingdoms in Europe, then come back to live high on the hog. You don’t steal from petty nobles who live on the next fjord over, and this is exactly why!