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Mary Worth, 2/20/20

So it’s been established that Dawn and Jared haven’t actually seen each other for two years in in-universe time, but Jared’s clearly ready to just jump right back into their relationship as it was, which is to say that he’ll hint very broadly and transparently that he wants to sleep with her and she’ll refuse to acknowledge it. Normally trying to interpret the tone of voice the random bolding in Mary Worth represents is a fruitless task, but I sincerely hope that Dawn here is responding to Jared telling her she’s “looking great” by shouting “I’m missing my BOYFRIEND in FRANCE” as loudly as she possibly can.

Blondie, 2/20/20

It bothers me so much that Dagwood’s interlocutor drops his son’s name in panel one and it never becomes relevant to the joke at all. If you’re trying to do just a general slam on Kids Today with their Phones And Such, you should at least spell it “Jaxon.” Instead, I’m forced to assume this strip is meant as a dig against a specific Jackson in the joke writer’s real life, proving once again that syndicated newspaper comics may have lost their cultural relevance, but they’re still great as a venue where you can air out your petty beefs.

Six Chix, 2/20/20

I’m pretty sure most people would refer to getting up in the middle of the night to have a light meal as a “midnight snack.” “Night eating” sounds clinically detached and honestly horrifying, like something an alien anthropologist would include in its report back to its homeworld on the strange behavior of planet “Earth”‘s dominant species. What I’m trying to say is that if Six Chix was trying to come up with a phrase that made “nunch” sound appealing in comparison, then congrats, they pulled it off.

Mark Trail, 2/20/20

“Or maybe, because we’re apparently about to leave with all camping gear, climbing equipment, sherpa guides, and medical supplies, leaving Harvey, a diabetic amputee, alone on a Himalayan mountainside, he’ll die of exposure in fairly short order. Who’s to say? Life is a mystery!”

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Judge Parker, 2/14/20

Well, it looks like Judge Parker is about to descend into meta-narrative as our soap-opera-strip town becomes the backdrop to an in-universe soap opera TV show, at least until April gets mad about lack of creative control and emerges from hiding to murder everybody. Mostly I’m excited because I’ve just realized that the Netflix exec in charge of all this looks uncannily like Amy Klobuchar, which makes sense considering her main role in the story so far has been to be mean to everyone around her.

Family Circus, 2/14/20

I don’t know why, but it bothers me so much that these kids have only sort of vaguely touched Ma Keane’s Valentine’s Day chocolates with their teeth. Does anyone think these two melonheads have the self-control and discipline necessary to not gobble down the candy as soon as they put it in their mouths? I definitely don’t, and you expect me to believe that Jeffy does? Jeffy? Please.

Blondie, 2/14/20

I don’t know, man, stopping in mid conversation to put on a coat, walk outside, and then engage in a performative display of affection for a specific audience doesn’t say “spontaneity” or “pizazz” to me so much as “desperately trying to prove something to others, and maybe in so doing proving something … to yourself.”

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Crankshaft, 2/11/20

Ahh, who could forget Butter Brinkel, the silent-era film comedian in the Funkyverse whose career was ruined when a starlet died under mysterious circumstances at one of his parties? Well, due to the Crankshaft/Funky Winkerbean chronological disjunction, the shocking documentary revealing that the real murderer was a talking chimp is still a decade off, which means that Butter Brinkel is still universally loathed at the time of today’s episode. Maybe holding this comedy festival was a bad idea, and not just because you scheduled it for mid-February in northeast Ohio! But thank goodness Crankshaft is here. I was going to say that Crankshaft doesn’t care if some movie star is “problematic” but actually, Crankshaft cares quite a lot. Crankshaft is frankly only interested in art created by murderers. Being that close to death makes him feel alive, which honestly explains a lot about why he still drives a schoolbus despite being demonstrably bad at it.

Blondie, 2/11/20

Hey, would you like to do a joke about how Kids Today are soft, with their lawsuits and their trigger warnings and their asbestos-free lungs, but also want to do a joke about how kids today have access to dangerous technology like drones, and you worry that they don’t really go together in the same strip? The wildly popular newspaper comic strip Blondie would like to urge you not to overthink it and just go for it. That’s what they’d do!

Curtis, 2/11/20

Or you could do a strip about modern-day technological culture that both pokes fun at its foibles but also recognizes the real warmth and human connection it can foster, like a coward.