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Funky Winkerbean, 10/1/19

Welp, it’s looking more and more like Bull really did do a suicide by cliff, or maybe he just has dementia and it was an accident, and we’ll never know one way or another! There are a couple things we know for certain, though: he certainly died in agony trapped in the twisted metal of his car, and Linda really should’ve hidden those keys better, if she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life obsessing over this. Funky Winkerbean, everybody!

Six Chix, 10/1/19

There’s a lot I don’t understand about today’s Six Chix. Like, I’m not a tea guy, but I’ve drunk enough to know that it’s perfectly possible to do so without experiencing happiness, especially if you’re a board-certified grouch. Meanwhile, the lady in this strip seems to be way into this dude’s negativity, like it’s their weird version of S&M. “Yes, Harold, deny yourself pleasure, wallow in crankiness, my goodness.” Also, is having a tiny little plate for a single fried egg really a thing? Those are the high points, those are three things I don’t really understand about today’s Six Chix, but I think it’s a good jumping off place for discussion.

Crankshaft, 10/1/19

Man, if you had asked me what awful conspiracy theory bullshit Crankshaft would’ve gotten into, I definitely would’ve guessed QAnon, but the anti-vaxx stuff tracks as well, honestly.

Blondie, 10/1/19

There are obviously any number of ways this strip indicates a near-total ignorance of how Uber, a ridesharing service that’s been around for close a decade, works in practice, but I think an underrated one is the guy saying “Here’s the Bumsteads’ estate, sir!” as he pulls up.

Zits, 10/1/19

ME: Ugh, I hate how in so much of pop culture, but especially comic strips, people who are parents of teens and little kids are matched up with Baby Boomer cultural signifiers like Woodstock and disco, even though that’s completely wrong here in the year 2019. This is one of my pet peeves! Please be more accurate, comics!

THE COMIC STRIP ZITS: Fine, we’ll do a strip about Walt, the dad in Zits, and we’ll have him discussing recognizable cultural touchstones from your youth, and also the joke will be that this demonstrates that he’s incredibly old, like literally a dinosaur.

ME: Noooooo … not like this. Not like this.

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Mary Worth, 9/20/19

Oh my god just when you thought Dawn had gotten over Hugo it turns out that Dawn didn’t have to get over Hugo because he couldn’t get enough of her hot Westontude and he’s flown back from Paris to be with her (or maybe just didn’t get on his plane and got an Uber back from Santa Royale International to Charterstone; the timeframe for Dawn’s moping over the course of this week’s strips hasn’t been exactly clear). It’s perfectly possible that this story will bring America’s lovelorn comics readers the message that if you’re just sad about something intensely enough, you can change the fabric of reality itself, but it’s also possible that this is just all in Dawn’s mind and tomorrow we’re going to smash cut to her cry-masturbating on the couch.

Blondie, 9/20/19

Now, you’re probably wondering: if Mr. Dithers didn’t want to hug his employees, why did he tweet about “Hug Your Boss Day” just this morning? Well, he’s quite aware that he inspires a toxic melange of fear and contempt in his employees; so, by inducing fear that they might have to demonstrate physical affection for him, but then relieving them of that burden, he’s actually left them feeling more motivated and positive at the end of the workday. Say what you will about the old robber baron, but he’s a wily management genius.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/20/19

The big development in this week’s Funky Winkerbean is that Linda is going to learn if Bull (who, if I’m remembering right, was very briefly on the practice roster of the then-St. Louis Cardinals but never actually played in a game) qualifies for the NFL supplemental disability plan. And now that the week is over, we’re finally going to find o–wait, what? It’s only Friday? Uh, shoot, OK, no problem, we can do this in two strips, absolutely, nobody’s going to notice.

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Dennis the Menace, 9/7/19

“You know, a comic strip that stopped running eleven years ago! Which was way before I was born, since I’m supposed to be, like, what, six? Somehow this is an even more jarring misplaced cultural reference than the fact that I’m supposed to be into cowboys and shit.”

Blondie, 9/7/19

Hey guys, you heard about cell phones? You know, the ones the kids like to do texting on? Well, prepare to have your mind blown: they have little flashlights on them, which are useful! I know, right???

Beetle Bailey, 9/7/19

“It also killed all our commanding officers. We’re finally free!”