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Crankshaft, 7/13/15

Golf is one of those things that I simply don’t get. I don’t get the appeal of watching it or playing it. Which is fine! I certainly don’t object to anyone else enjoying themselves watching or playing it. It’s just one of those things, like S&M and Mad Men, that I’m happy so many people derive enjoyment from but that isn’t for me.

The somewhat irritating thing, though, is that, unlike S&M (but like Mad Men), a lot of people who are into golf think that everyone is into golf, that golf is a universal cultural touchstone, and that anyone who isn’t into golf is weird or suspicious. This is certainly true of syndicated newspaper comics, where golf jokes abound and presumably sail over the head of most of the children who are the ostensible targets for a lot of comics, along with non-golf-mad adults like me.

This is an overly wordy way for me to set up the fact that it took me a while to remember, based on my one or two visits to actual golf courses, that those big white spheroids are things that mark where you’re supposed to tee off or something, and the joke is that Crankshaft needs new glasses. I’m still not sure about this, actually, because I can’t figure out what to Google other than “big white spheroids that mark where you’re supposed to tee off” and that’s not producing useful results, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. But before I figured that out I was a pretty baffled as to (a) what was going on and (b) what “prescription” Crankshaft’s friend was talking about. Was it a metaphor for … testicles? Does Crankshaft need a new prescription because his testicles are all swole up, and about to hurt like someone just hit them with a golf club? Is this an old man thing? Is this what I have to look forward to as I age, testicle-wise? You can see why I’m pretty invested in the interpretation of the joke I eventually settled on.

Beetle Bailey, 7/13/15

With gay people now allowed to serve openly in America’s military, the transgressive thrill is gone from Beetle and Sarge’s relationship, and Beetle has moved on to something new that makes him feel sexy and dangerous: bed-fucking.

Family Circus, 7/13/15

I don’t know what I find funnier here: how irritated Big Daddy Keane looks or how smug Billy looks. You kids won’t be smirking once your dad narcs you out to LucasFilm and you find yourself on the receiving end of a massive trademark infringement lawsuit!

Herb and Jamaal, 7/13/15

Life is violent and uncertain! You could die horribly at any moment! Why not reveal your repressed erotic feelings to the ones you love the most? There’s no time left to lose!

Lockhorns, 7/13/15

Please tell me there’s literally a line of greeting cards you can send to your enemies where you wish the eternal damnation of divine punishment upon them! “Some theologians say that the true torture in hell is separation from God/ Well here’s God/ and here’s you/ Look how far away you are/ Writhe in the eternal darkness/ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”

Marvin, 7/13/15

I was going to question the credentials of a doctor who goes around wearing bunny ears, but this guy seems to believe that Marvin has a severe and possibly fatal medical condition, so let’s hear what he has to say!

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Crankshaft, 7/5/15

Sure, Ralph Meckler says he’s just an ordinary citizen fighting for the little guy’s right to drive on safer streets. But his campaign is in the pocket of the sausage restaurant industry. Do we really want our city government ignoring important environmental and zoning concerns and just rubber-stamping approvals of chain eateries that serve substandard biscuits? Mayor Kane: Leadership We Can Trust.

B.C., 7/5/15

Here is a sequence of words that has almost certainly never been constructed before but which I nevertheless believe to be meaningful and also true: these prehistoric ants appear to be Seventh-Day Adventists.

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/5/15

OH MY GOD LOWEEZY IS GOING TO RAISE CORPSES FROM THEIR GRAVES USING FOUL BACKWOODS NECROMANTIC SORCERY

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Crankshaft, 7/2/15

OK, wait, HOLD UP, the lady in the wheelchair who was glumly gathering signatures last week is the waitress from the diner? The one who generally regards Crankshaft and his gaggle of almost certainly ill-tipping friends with mingled contempt and ennui? The one who, I’m really pretty certain, is standing up when she’s serving them endless free coffee refills? Did I miss a pretty major plotline, or is Ralph’s campaign trotting out a fake paralyzed woman to drum up support for his plan for wasteful government spending on roads that are already perfectly good?

Hi and Lois, 7/2/15

Being a syndicated newspaper cartoonist isn’t as influential a gig as it once was, but one thing’s still true: if you think you got screwed by a service worker, you sure get to tell a lot of people about it.