Post Content

Curtis, 2/21/14

Remember when that dolphin swam into Brooklyn’s extremely polluted Gowanus Canal and then died, more than a year ago? The creators of innumerable parody Twitter accounts, along with the creators of Curtis, hope you do! Curtis has been sad about these poor trapped dolphins all week, but now Magical Caucasian Gunk will rescue them with his Flyspeck Island powers, after stripping to the waist! I’m mostly just relieved to learn that Gunk’s nipples, unlike his eyes, are configured in the usual way.

Crankshaft, 2/21/14

Speaking of half-naked people in the icy cold, it looks like Crankshaft has somehow managed to lock himself out of his house wearing only a towel and set off the burglar alarm trying to get back inside, ruining his family’s vacation in the process! Thanks to Big Government, we’re not allowed to print a drawing of Crankshaft’s exposed junk in the newspaper, but panel three uses a clever reaction shot to illustrate what an unpleasant experience it would be for you if we were.

Dennis the Menace, 2/21/14

Ha ha, it’s funny because literally nobody wants to spend any time with Dennis! Looks like the person he’s really been menacing has been … himself.

Post Content

Crankshaft, 2/15/14

This week’s Crankshaft “plot” has been far too inane to discuss, involving a reality show called Ice Road School Bus Drivers — it’s like Ice Road Truckers, but for school bus drivers! — filming our characters in action. The producers are no doubt disappointed that Crankshaft didn’t engage in any of the property destruction or reckless endangerment of children for which he’s so famous, but nevertheless, the new reality show stars are getting their reward today: cheap giveaway hats emblazoned with the show’s logo. The drivers’ overjoyed reaction to this is probably the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. “Life doesn’t get any better than this!” proclaims Crankshaft, a man who helped defeat the Nazis in World War II, who has children and grandchildren, who played professional baseball, who overcame his own struggles and learned to read as an adult, who helped pay for a group of underprivileged kids from his bus route go to college. “Life doesn’t get any better than this.” He pulls the ill-fitting cap tightly down onto his head.

Mark Trail, 2/15/14

“I sure hope Trail is what he says he is … for his own good! If he’s a person, like he says he is, then that’s OK! But if he’s an animal, then I’m going to have to taxidermy him. I can’t stop taxidermying animals! But wait … what if a person is a kind of animal? Oh no. Oh NO. My taxidermying fingers are gettin’ itchy!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/15/14

Well, it looks like Sarah was right to be suspicious of her editor, because her editor intends to put her in a cage and let other little kids come and gawk at her while she churns out books. This is quite frankly the best business decision anyone at the museum has made at any point during this storyline.

Mary Worth, 2/15/14

“But let’s not talk about such heavy topics now, Wilbur. Look, I’ve figured out that I can hold a full coffee cup using just my mouth! Pretty neat, huh?”

Pluggers, 2/15/14

All across America’s strife-torn inner cities, members of the Bloods and Crips put down their newspapers with stunned expressions on their faces. “Why are we fighting all the time?” they ask. “No matter what crew we roll with, we’re all pluggers. We are all pluggers.” Consider the peace increased.

Post Content

Mary Worth, 1/29/14

Whoa, Mary is wasting no time after her return from her New York idyl and is determined to prove to Santa Royale that, despite her period of absence, she is still its undisputed meddle-empress. Having only returned moments ago from her latest sex cruise with Dr. Jeff, Mary hasn’t even finished eating dinner before settling on the next victims of her unrelentingly sensible advice: this lady and her daughter, who are about to have their lives destroyed by the horrors of divorce. Did you know that sometimes married people realize that they no longer love each other, or perhaps even actively dislike each other, and decided to stop being married, thus undermining the social order? Well, not with Mary on the case they won’t! “You there, young woman, cease with this divorce talk! Your feelings are ruining everything! Push those tears back into your eyes with your hands! Yes, that’s the spirit!”

Mark Trail, 1/29/14

I really do wonder about the editorial direction of Woods and Wildlife Magazine, based on some of the (presumably paid?) assignments Mark’s gotten from them. Do they have any kind of social media strategy at all? I could see a slideshow of an attractive young woman nursing pelicans back to health generating some pageviews, but I have to question Mark’s belief that Jessica’s boyfriend “sounds interesting,” considering that all we know about him is that he’s a taxidermist. I pity the editor who has to write the headline that jazzes that one up. “People Keep Bringing This Man Dead Fish. What He Does To Them Will Shock You — And Delight You.”

Crankshaft, 1/29/14

Crankshaft’s co-worker Rocky is heavily invested in using performance-enhancing drugs, is what I’m getting out of this.