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Marvin, 5/2/22

Ha ha, just look at the dead eyes on Jeff throughout this comic! He has absolutely been anticipating the day his wife is going to leave him for years, and he’s not happy about it but he’s basically numb to the prospect at this point, so might as well get it over with! Anyway, she is going to break some very bad news, Jeff, in the sense that Marvin is staying.

Mary Worth, 5/2/22

“He reconnected with the love of his life, leaving me free to pursue a hot and emotionally meaningless sexual relationship with a college stud. Honestly, he fixed a lot of my problems.”

Crankshaft, 5/2/22

Speaking of fixing problems, it looks like Crankshaft and his entire family are about to be killed when a huge asteroid smashes into the Earth! The rest of the human race will be wiped out as well, of course, but it’s honestly a small price to pay.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/18/22

We talk a lot about Rex’s permanent state of misanthropy, but we don’t really talk about the damage his refusal to engage with his fellow human beings more than absolutely necessary does to his psyche. For instance, can you imagine seeing some truly surprising item on the evening news and the only person you can think of to reach out to about it is Buck? Who you know is going to go deep into comic book bullshit about it? Truly harrowing.

Crankshaft, 4/18/22

Wow, when Crankshaft’s marijuana grow operation causes a massive fire, I bet all those firefighters who have to come out for his grill explosions twelve times a summer are going to be thrilled to see him arrested.

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Crankshaft, 4/13/22

Once, many years ago, there was a comic strip called Funky Winkerbean about the antics of teenagers. Then someone got the bright idea to spin off the one old person character into his own strip, about old people! Later all the Funky Winkerbean teenagers grew up and become old people in their own right, but that’s a story for another time. Anyway, Crankshaft, the strip about old people, continues to stick to its original old-people mission, and today’s installment, in which two old people angrily yell at each other at the top of their lungs, is a perfect example and I respect it.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/13/22

Oh, I guess the other time to tell the story of the old people Funky Winkerbean characters is now! It turns out Crazy Harry didn’t travel into the metaverse, but rather into his own past, to converse with his younger self, who is eager to learn one thing above all others about his own future, which is: do I get to have [whispers] sex? Ha ha, could you imagine going back to the 1980s heyday of the fun teen characters of Funky Winkerbean, and going up to random newspaper readers and saying, “Hey, you know those teens in Funky Winkerbean? They’re all gonna have sex, eventually, and you’re going to read about it!” They’d literally put you in jail.

Gil Thorp, 4/13/22

“My eyesight is failing! I’ve got grey hair! I’m 55 years old! I can’t believe all of you think I’m a high school student!”