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Beetle Bailey, 7/30/11

General Halftrack’s request for a three-way has yielded a scenario that’s very, very different from his fantasies.

Crankshaft, 7/30/11

Crankshaft’s family has converted to Seventh Day Adventism, probably to provide an excuse to spend less time with him.

Family Circus, 7/30/11

Despite their parents’ attempts to teach them an orthodox theology, the Keane Kids still believe in zombies.

Gil Thorp, 7/30/11

Gil Thorp is somehow managing to make its new sexting storyline even duller than the last one.

Luann, 7/30/11

Luann and Quill have stumbled upon the world’s chastest orgy.

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Mark Trail, 7/16/11

You guys, Mark Trail is getting serious, for a minute! John Thrasher didn’t hide up in the hills because he hates people; he did because he has a problem — a problem called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, though that’s way too many syllables for a Mark Trail character to say. It’s really too bad that John’s father sent Mark Trail to extract him from his mountain lair, rather than, say, a trained and skilled mental health professional. Mark is the sort of guy who believes that the best thing to give a seriously depressed little girl is a puppy. Does he think he can similarly cure John’s PTSD by giving him a new pet? Because that would be ridicu … OH MY GOD OH MY GOD MARK TRAIL IS GOING TO RIP OFF THE FUNKY WINKERBEAN TRAINED DOGS HELPING TRAUMATIZED VETS STORYLINE!!!

Crankshaft, 7/16/11

I like the fact that Crankshaft is saying that he’s going to “break,” here. That’s the language of extreme interrogation methods, and it implies that this heat wave is actually God’s way of literally torturing Crankshaft, which I’m in favor of for obvious reasons.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/16/11

It’s also possible that Herb just has a really terrible sense of humor, which, considering he’s one of the protagonists of Herb and Jamaal, is probably the most likely scenario here.

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Baldo, 7/9/11

Does anyone remember a series of PSAs that ran during children’s programming in the late ’70s and early ’80s that tried to convince kids not to scarf down all the delicious-looking prescription medications their parents had in the medicine cabinet? They featured some vaguely Sid-and-Marty-Kroft-esque blue spherical felt puppets with little beady eyes that I guess were supposed to represent pills, and they sang a weird, warbling little tune called “We’re Not Candy,” the only lyrics to which I can remember are the end of the rhyming couplet, “fine and dandy.” They were of course horrifying and made you not want to take drugs, or even eat candy; I don’t watch a lot of kid’s TV anymore, but I’m assuming they’ve long gone off the air. At any rate, this is my roundabout way of getting to the fact that Gracie and her little friend are well on their way to becoming pill fiends.

Crankshaft, 7/9/11

I hate myself for having become even accidentally aware of the Funkyverse’s dark spiritual pantheon, but isn’t Le Chat Blue the talking cat-demon who appears to taunt Les when he’s hitting a low point of suicidal depression? I didn’t know that this monster had a band, but I’m guessing it didn’t take a lot of data mining for Amazon to suggest its brand of mope-jazz to everyone with a Westview address.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/9/11

Speaking of suicidal depression, based on Herb And Jamaal’s Nameless White Customer’s thousand-yard stare in the last panel, I’m guessing he’s confused “being haunted by one’s own mortality” with “a mature philosophy.”

Gil Thorp, 7/9/11

“As you can tell by my fashionable attire, I’m a caddie! It’s the summer job to have, if you’re a fan of staring at teenage boy ass.”

Dennis the Menace, 7/9/11

Ha ha, it’s funny because Dennis is taking joy in spending the day with his father, but all his dad cares about is his dumb golf score!