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Mary Worth, 6/30/06

You’d think that with all the years he’s spent trying to get into Mary’s comfortable slacks, Jeff would be better at translating Passive-Aggresive into English by now. Clearly, when it comes out of the mouth of someone who views going downtown as some sort of journey into the heart of darkness, the phrase “I wish I could join you on your trip” really means “Thank God I’m not going with you to whatever cholera-ridden Oriental hellhole you’ve decided to throw your life away in.” When a childless retiree who has nothing better to do than meddle in the extremely piddling affairs of others tells a doctor who’s taking time off from his lucrative practice to help children in Cambodia that she has “responsibilities,” that’s just cold.

I’m not sure where exactly Mary and Jeff are driving around having this little chat, but clearly the first “responsibility” that Mary has to attend to is to convince the youth of Santa Royale to stop growing little beatnik beards and tuck their damn shirts in.

Crankshaft, 6/30/06

Meanwhile, Crankshaft appears to be about death and farting.

Sally Forth, 6/30/06

Sally Forth is blatantly about hot, hot hammock sex.

Mark Trail, 6/30/06

And in Mark Trail, somebody’s about to get eaten by a bear. Why is it that I find this hilarious in Mark Trail but not in Gasoline Alley? I dunno, man, but I sure do.

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Apartment 3-G, 6/18/06

As Mrs. C. pointed out to me this morning, this shocking revelation would be more shocking if the characters in Apartment 3-G were drawn well enough to be distinguishable from one another. Based on the hair alone, I’m guessing our lovers in an elevator are Tommie’s friend Lucy (Mary Tyler Moore-esque flip) and somebody who isn’t Tommie’s friend Lucy’s husband Ted (not black). Poor Tommie’s been driven into a frenzy of head bobbling by the double whammy of “AHHH, PEOPLE MAKING OUT THE ELEVATOR!” and “AHHH, SOMEONE I KNOW MAKING OUT ADULTEROUSLY IN THE ELEVATOR!” Of course, she’s already noted that she’s been made a little woozy by the combination of booze and “cigarette smoke”, so she’s really primed for a little head-bobbling action. Check out the bald beatnik and sassy minx in panel three … everybody at this party has head bobblin’ fever!

Longtime Apartment 3-G readers know that this strip loves the big elevator-doors-open-to-reveal-smoochery gimmick. If memory serves, that’s how Margo found out that Lu Ann was dating her ex, FBI Pete. It’s just one of the hazards of living in a vertical city like New York, I guess, especially if you can’t handle being alone with someone for thirty seconds without sucking face.

Crankshaft, 6/18/06

I’m all for gentle humor, in principle, but this punchline is so gentle that it takes two panels to roll into place, then makes no impression when it finally arrives. Maybe if the joke had been more hilarious, it would have distracted from the young female character wearing Daisy Dukes and a belly shirt in the final frame.

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Apartment 3-G, 6/15/06

Yeah, cause the guy I want to get my art criticism from is the clean-cut white guy who shows up at the hipster Manhattan art opening in a bad electric blue three-piece suit.

Is that what this storyline is going to be about? That when artists hang out with beatniks and bohemians their art goes to crap in the eyes of squares like Squarey McCleancut here and, well, Lu Ann? Because that’s going to be frickin’ hilarious.

The Phantom, 6/15/06

Not to minimize the Phantom’s sneaking-up-on-bad-guys skills, but this is pretty clearly the lamest group of terrorists in the history of terrorism. “Waaaaah! Waaaaah! They don’t have the desert I like! Boo hoo!” What’s next — is the big purple guy going to interrupt two guards as they fight over who gets the special pillow?

That being said, the Phantom’s witty comeback — “Guess that puts us in conflict!” — is pretty stilted as superhero catchphrases go. I think he should just stick to punching people.

Crankshaft, 6/15/06

So as soon as I figured out that yes, the current Crankshaft storyline really does involve Crankshaft enslaving a group of old ladies to do his gardening, I started really enjoying it. Check out the look of remorseless cruelty on the old bastard’s face in the second panel, and the look of sheer terror on the old lady furthest to the right. Yessir, that’s light-hearted comics page fare right there. Yep.