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Crankshaft, 8/3/18

OK, so here’s everything in this Crankshaft storyline that hasn’t prompted me to discuss it: Lillian came to some kind of publishing industry convention to find an agent, and she ran into a lady determined to be a book agent who’s never had have any clients but was determined to find one at the convention, which … is not how you become an agent, I’m pretty sure? I think you actually go work for an agency, and you help the agents there and then you get promoted? Anyway, said aspiring agent lady informs Lillian that she’s schizophrenic and used to be homeless and did some interviews with a newscaster when she was on the streets, which newscaster of course was Cindy Summers because the Funkyverse is a tightly wound nexus of coincidence. I learned this from an unofficial history of Funky Winkerbean (hosted by Angelfire! Angelfire is still up, everybody!) that also lets me know that this lady, who went by “Apple Annie” on the streets but now goes by “Ann Apple,” had a particularly poignant interview with Cindy after losing a friend on 9/11 (I am dearly sad to have missed the 9/11-themed Funky Winkerbean storylines, you guys). Also Lisa had a French roommate that Les described as looking “like Juliette Binoche, but cuter,” but that’s a story for another day!

Anyway, all that has not prompted me to write about this dumb Crankshaft plot, but here’s what did: “I think you have the write stuff.” See, it’s a joke because “write” sounds like “right.” Sounds exactly like “right,” in fact. They’re homonyms. They’re spelled differently because they have different etymological origins, but in spoken language you can only distinguish them from context. And in the context of the phrase “the right/write stuff,” you’re going to immediately assume the phrase is just “the right stuff” because that’s a very common expression. This doesn’t work! It doesn’t work at all and I’m so very angry about it!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/3/18

This is as good a time as any to remember that Doris, Buck’s abusive ex-wife who shot him in the head with a nail gun, did some dry humping or what not with Rex back in high school. Anyway, shoutout to Rex for being conveniently vague in panel two!

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Mary Worth, 7/24/18

Sorry I haven’t updated you on Mary Worth in a bit, but rest assured that what was happening like two weeks ago — Tommy thought-ballooning about how his girlfriend is eventually going to find out about his terrible past — has continued happening with absolutely no dramatic forward motion of any kind. This remained true yesterday, and since Monday is the traditional day for new plots to being in soap opera strips, I have to imagine that today’s action pertains to the Tommy-Brandy storyline somehow — but how? Who is the mysterious figure helping Mary pick up her canned tomatoes? Why is Mary buying tomatoes? How can she maintain her taupe-to-ecru food spectrum if she’s putting tomatoes in things? Let’s all tune in tomorrow to find out!

Blondie, 7/24/18

Mr. Dithers letting Dagwood get a glimpse of the poor old man he’s kept enslaved for the last 30 years is a real power move that you have to respect! I also note that Steadfaster’s weird hairstyle looks kind of like Dagwood’s, so maybe this is supposed to be a threatening look into his future? He also looks vaguely like the villain in the 1983 Doctor Who serial Mawdryn Undead, so there’s that:

I have to assume this is a coincidence, because part of the vibe I get from Blondie involves extreme hostility to nerd shit of any kind.

Crankshaft, 7/24/18

Usually when Crankshaft makes his terrible wordplay, he’s glaring at his interlocutor/victim with dead-eyed hostility, so I guess this in some marginal way can be considered an “improvement.”

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Spider-Man, 7/9/18

How would rumors like that spread, anyway? “Listen, there may or may not be this one guy, dunno who, and he fights a hypothetical sect called The Hand! They’re famous for keeping their activities, identity, and their very existence completely secret: nobody’s ever heard of them, and everybody knows it! Maybe this guy fights them with his hand? No way to tell! Don’t hold me to any of this, OK? Pass it on!”

Mary Worth, 7/9/18

Hey, you two, I have nothing but respect for your respective sobrieties; Tommy, you have apparently turned your life around yet again, way to go. But before you go getting all boldface, accept that maybe not every waitress is on fire for details of your personal journeys? Think of “Just order your damn drink” as a thirteenth step or something.

Judge Parker, 7/9/18

(Sigh)

No, Neddy, they didn’t — they asked where you were. Ronnie Huerta invented that whole drug thing after the fact. Are you on drugs or something?

Haha Sam is shopping online for a matching lamp. Maybe the strip is so deeply invested in desk lamps because the lawyers don’t have any actual work to put on their desks?

Crankshaft, 7/9/18

♫ Love is the drug got a hook in Ralph! ♬

The only real question is how soon this ends badly.

— Uncle Lumpy