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Archive: Crankshaft

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If you can read this, you’re not Crankshaft (if it’s before, I think, the ’90s?)

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Crankshaft, 2/23/18

True ‘Shaft-heads remember one of the early heart-rending Crankshaft storylines, where we learned that Ed Crankshaft, who we had all assumed was just a grumpy old asshole who shouldn’t have a job working with children or indeed any part of the public, was actually a grumpy old asshole who also happened to be illiterate. But he heroically learned to read as an adult, which gives him license to harangue little kids like this one, who as near as we can tell is perfectly capable of reading written English but prefers not to read books or other printed matter as a leisure activity, which is not the same thing at all! Also instead of talking about the archaic sport of “baseball” he should probably talk about, I dunno, Mario Kart or something. What I’m trying to say is that Crankshaft might have learned, with great effort, to read, but he still hasn’t learned out to read the room, ha ha!

Dennis the Menace, 2/23/18

Word to the wise, Dennis: affecting a sort of aggressively ignorant contempt towards technology can convey a certain menacing vibe. Just admitting that you’re a straight-up moron very much does not.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/23/18

So … not great, then?

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“Are you still here? I said thank you, that’s your damn cue”

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Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, 2/17/18

For once, the decade-long Funkyverse chronological disjunction actually comes into play with today’s strips! In Crankshaft we see Comicszone, a local retailer that was unable to survive in the face of competition from online retailers who could offer the same products with more convenience and less overhead. In Funky Winkerbean, taking place a decade later, we see a key strategy deployed by those brick-and-mortar businesses that survived: transforming stores from mere places to purchase goods into sites for community building and in-person experiences.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/17/18

Sarah has clearly internalized the classic three-part thank-you-note structure for kids — (1) thank the gift giver, (2) make a specific reference to the gift given, (3) make a reference to future social interactions you’ll have with the gift giver — and stripped it down to its bare essence to deploy in face-to-face scenarios and make them as efficient as possible.

Beetle Bailey, 2/17/18

Do … war games generally involve firing massive live artillery rounds? Regardless, I’m not sure what the “joke” in today’s strip is supposed to be, unless it’s “General Halftrack can’t experience joy in the absence of alcohol, ha ha!”

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OF COURSE HER FACE WILL BE ON THE PRODUCT, HOW DARE YOU

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Mary Worth, 2/8/18

Mary Worth is, of course, the most emotionally self-actualized character in the comic strip that bears her name. How could it be any other way? All of that is on full display on today’s strip. Mary neither seeks nor fears fame. She’s ready for the attention that her muffins’ greatness might draw to her; but, on the other hand, she knows that the vulgar mob is fickle, and if they turn away from her, it’s their fault, not hers, and definitely not the muffins’. She remains open to and sanguine about all possibilities, with an equanimity that Marcus Aurelius and the Stoic philosophers of old would admire.

Spider-Man, 2/8/18

WAIT WAIT WHY DIDN’T IT WORK … THE FIRST TIME???? Is spider-sense one of those things you have to train, like the way Siri learns to understand your voice better over time? “Huh, he’s about to get whacked by a giant lizard tail. Is that good or bad? Not sure, let’s wait and see! [later] OK, definitely bad, we won’t let that happen again, ha ha!”

Crankshaft, 2/8/18

Oh, whoops, Crankshaft isn’t faking his drug-seeking behavior at all: he’s hoarding pain pills to sell at big markup to his creaky-kneed friends. Are you ready for Breaking Bad, except with more terrible wordplay?