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Beetle Bailey, 3/24/17

I can’t stop looking at that weird little gadget (?) propped awkwardly on Killer’s pillow in panel one. It’s like someone drawing this realized that “uh, probably military hospitals use, like, advanced medical technology now???” but wasn’t sure what exactly that might entail, so rather than just draw a groggy-soldier on a cot, they drew a groggy soldier on a cot with a cell-phone-sized black box hanging off the side of his pillow, like maybe it’s clipped on, I dunno. And it’s recording his … heartbeat or blood pressure, even though it’s not connected to him at all? Or his breathing? Maybe his breathing? All this high-tech business really gets in the way of a solid gag about how Killer’s “illness” is that he’d rather be on the beach, gambling and looking at tits.

Crankshaft, 3/24/17

Ha ha, yes, this is just another in an endless, soul-crushingly eternal series of “Crankshaft says the darndest things” gags, but wouldn’t it be great if some lady did give Ed a Trojan hearse for Christmas? Like, you know, a big black car with space in the back for a coffin, and Crankshaft accepts it thinking it’s an offering to the gods and brings it inside his walled fortress, but inside are dozens of hidden Achaean warriors, who emerge at night and wreak terrible destruction. I’d like to see this storyline depicted over a period of six to eight weeks, with particular focus on the lamentations.

Pluggers, 3/24/17

Welp, the bedroom eyes the she-plugger is flashing here seems to confirm something hinted at earlier: NCIS has such high ratings among the plugger set because it’s a Pavlovian sex trigger. Nobody actually watches it.

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Mary Worth, 3/17/17

Look, I understand that in these troubled time for publishing, media properties have to do all they can to come up with new and creative sources of revenue. I just don’t think it’s appropriate to let the cruise industry buy long stretches of enthusiastic dialogue in Mary Worth like this. This only thing missing here is Dawn or Tommy or some other condo resident wandering by and saying “Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear that you were talking about taking a cruise! Did you know that the threats from norovirus and Legionnaire’s Disease to passengers are vastly overhyped as part of the liberal media’s anti-cruise-industry agenda?”

Mary and Tobey should should be extolling the dining possibilities aboard top-of-the-line cruise ships. Sure, the buffets might leave a little to be desired, but they’re leaps and bounds ahead of the nutrient-rich but bland “Charterstone Chow” pellets they’re eating for lunch today.

Crankshaft, 3/17/17

Remember, Crankshaft is supposed to be the “fun” Funkyverse strip, which means its punchlines are meant to be broader and less grounded in reality. Unfortunately (or maybe extremely fortunately), the art style is still infected by omnipresent Funkyverse gloom-realism, which means that this week’s strips, about how silly it would be if a beekeeper gave rum balls to bees and they got a li’l tipsy, have now climaxed with Crankshaft looking genuinely terrified that he’s about to be hauled off to jail.

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Hagar the Horrible, 2/26/17

The half-fish sea-witches who live just offshore from Hagar’s village have a ravenous hunger for human flesh. There’s only one defense against them: because they are immortal, the sight or smell of any dead thing repulses them and keeps them at bay. Hagar is suffering here to defend his people!

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/26/17

In the grinding rural poverty of Hootin’ Holler, even the children’s games stick close to the foundation of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Crankshaft, 2/26/17

As well you shouldn’t, Crankshaft! Literally everybody dislikes you!