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Crankshaft, 12/22/15

One of the many things about Crankshaft I refuse to get emotionally invested in is the slow-moving romance between the title character and Mary, which is why I didn’t bother to discuss yesterday’s strip, in which he asked her out to a movie and then angrily insisted that it was too a date. I was briefly roused to anger today (which I suppose represents a kind of emotional investment) when I saw they were going to It’s A Wonderful Life, because a very early and meaningful date I had with my wife was to see that very film at the delightful Senator Theatre, and I didn’t want Crankshaft tainting those memories. The anger quickly faded into pleasing contempt, however, when I saw that (a) Crankshaft fell asleep mere minutes into their date, (b) Crankshaft is dreaming some kind of version of It’s A Wonderful Life starring himself, only instead of imagining a world where he was never born he’s just visualizing what things will be like after he dies, and (c) the most anyone can come up with in terms of mourning Crankshaft is that they “kind of miss” his hateful misanthropy.

Mary Worth, 12/22/15

Maybe the whole thing with Olive’s parents is meant to be sex-positive? Like, they’re supposed to be a young-ish couple with a healthy sex life? Sure, it always comes across as gross and distasteful, but maybe any sexuality in Mary Worth is going to come across as gross and distasteful by default?

Judge Parker, 12/22/15

I love how everyone is clustering around Judge Parker Senior trying to calm him down after he found out he might have to do more work to earn his ludicrous payday and he got real scared and mad. There, there, Judge. Don’t cry. An award! See? See this piece of paper? An award! An award from some WASPy sounding literary organization! The award is named after a precious metal! Shhhh, go to sleep, shhhhhh.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/22/15

Uhhhhh, perfect??? Has that baby gotten a six-figure book contract from a museum for drawing horsies even once? Back at home, Sarah Morgan sits bolt upright in bed, wide awake, knowing that battle is about to commence.

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Momma, 12/18/15

I love that Momma is getting eye-poppingly furious about Francis’s inadequacies while she’s reading the newspaper, which is presumably full of material not all related to her youngest son’s employment or marital status. I’m genuinely curious as to what triggered this episode. “Terrorists … murderers … corrupt politicians … and almost all of them have jobs and families! How dare Francis do this to me? How dare he?”

Crankshaft, 12/18/15

Did you want to spend the weekend thinking about Crankshaft’s painfully swollen anus? Well, too bad, because now you’re going to anyway!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/18/15

Mary Beth is sad that her little brother is already absorbing and conforming to the particularly toxic construct of masculinity that prevails in Hootin’ Holler.

Six Chix, 12/18/15

Hmm, how can we reboot the Santa mythos to make it more in tune with today’s audiences? Add an elf who gets the job done by just straight-up murdering people? OK!

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My novel, The Enthusiast, is available for purchase! Check out the first chapter, then buy:

• The hardcover or softcover edition for $25 or $15
• The ebook edition for $8, which includes files for all devices
• And if the mood strikes, you can put some money in my tip jar

Order soon to get yours in time for Christmas. Thank you very much!

Judge Parker, 12/16/15

I don’t know why, but I can’t stop giggling at the phrase “died tragically in a Mexican jungle.” I know there are several noncontiguous rainforest areas in Mexico, but “a Mexican jungle” just sounds hilariously cagey. “You know, one of the jungles they have down there. Whatever the most murder-y jungle is, I forget the name. Probably it’s in Spanish or Mayan or something. The important thing is that he’s dead, and not at all living in our newly fortified guesthouse, OK?”

Momma, 12/16/15

I also can’t stop giggling at today’s Momma, mostly the part where Jim is erotically fixated on Tonya’s sexy, frilly hemline. Jim seems to like a gal who shows some calf, MaryLou, so you shouldn’t be dressing in plaid pants like some kind of prude if you want to maintain “squatter’s rights.” You know, squatter’s rights? Like, sex … squatting? Is that a thing? Distasteful as this is, at least this strip has stumbled away from accidental incest jokes.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/16/15

I think when Mason Jarr was first introduced as a character, back when they were going to make Les’s Lisa book into a terrible made-for-cable movie, he was presented as some dumb washed-up actor, but then he stuck around and generally became more sympathetic and also was supposed to have a somewhat higher-profiled career, I think? Anyway, that career is now over because he’s going to move to a depressing, economically dead town in Ohio with his wife! Funky and Holly are 100% correct to be completely gobsmacked by this.

Crankshaft, 12/16/15

Meanwhile, over in the “fun” Funkyverse strip, Crankshaft is supplementing his meager pay with a Santa Claus gig, and he has a tech-savvy elf named … Twitter! Get it, Twitter? The same name as the popular Internet website? Mercy!