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Crock, 1/24/14

Ha ha, the joke is that they’re using “database” as a double-entendre to refer to a sexy part of a lady’s body! This is the sort of joke that would be funny to someone wholly unfamiliar with computers and only passingly familiar with sex. What’s really of interest to me here, though, are the weird black squares floating around our sassy legionnaire’s head in panel two? What are these mysterious, featureless intrusions into ordinary reality? My guess is that computer expert Billie Jean has long ago subsumed all of human existence into a vast computer simulation that she can watch and control like a god. Those blocks are a brief glitch in the Matrix. Her erstwhile paramour and his comrade, their bio-existence snuffed out uncountable digital eons ago, now endlessly replay this scene for Billie Jean’s amusement.

Herb and Jamaal, 1/24/14

“Ha ha ha, just kidding, I’m exaggerating because of how much time I spend on my cell phone! But seriously, I need something to help me take the edge off a little, if you know what I mean. Drugs. I’m talking about drugs. SELL ME DRUGS, HERB”

Mary Worth, 1/24/14

“Also, I had sex with Broadway legend Ken Kensington seven times! Well, one of those times we just did oral. It was a little too exciting, if you know what I mean. That’s why I came back to you and Santa Royale!”

Funky Winkerbean, 1/24/14

THE FUNKY WINKERBEAN MISSON STATEMENT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/10/13

FUNKYQUEST, EVERYBODY! Cory Winkerbean has been assigned to dangerous mine-clearing duties in Afghanistan, so to give him strength his mother is attempting to fill in some gaps in his comic book collection. You’d think this would be fun and exciting to Comic Book John (a) because he enjoys the hunt through the world of comics for its own sake and/or (b) because he’ll be able to charge a finder’s fee of 20 to 100 percent on whatever issues he discovers through his network of contacts. And yet he looks pretty depressed in that final panel! Probably because he knows this is the Funkyverse, and and any “journey of Biblical proportions” will end in one of several Biblical ways, e.g., crucifixion, eyes gouged out, killed by she-bears, murdered in a temple with your co-religionists that’s then torn down and turned into a public toilet, etc.

Crock, 12/10/13

Say, did you read the obituary last week for the French general who blew the lid off of torture and other atrocities the French committed in Algeria? In unrelated news, here’s a zany cartoon!

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Mary Worth, 11/6/13

“This award isn’t so much for me, or the other humans who work and volunteer there, as it is for the shelter itself — the actual physical building. I mean, if you think about it, all the volunteers and staffers in the world couldn’t help the homeless if we didn’t have a building to put them in, am I right? We’d just be standing around outside holding umbrellas over their heads or something, and that wouldn’t be very helpful at all! Anyway, that’s why we sometimes let the building wrench the very souls of some of our clients out of their bodies and suck them into a terrifying hell-dimension through the nightmarish maw-portal that lurks in the basement. Yes, the process is fatal and horrifying, but if this wonderful, helpful building needs to feed on the life-essence of 20 percent or so of the people we house in order to sustain its demonic existence, who are we to complain?”

Crock, 11/6/13

Wow, I sure don’t remember a hat-and-diaper-clad chinless blob-horror being among the cast of beloved legacy strip Crock. Newspapers are correct to eschew any affiliation with whatever awful demonic babble is emerging from this abomination’s perversely grinning mouth-hole.

Hi and Lois, 11/6/13

“Ha ha but what if there was a baby who was also a cougar” –an idea that should’ve immediately been discarded, but was instead turned into the punchline of a nationally syndicated comic strip