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Archie, 7/23/10

You know, I actually feel kind of bad for Archie, here; his facial expression in the third panel, though partly masked by terrifying clown makeup, really is sort of heartbreaking. Archie’s a nice guy! He only wants the best for Veronica, at least when he doesn’t want the best for Betty! Why won’t Mr. Lodge love him, or at least treat him with grudging affection? With all the mean things Mr. Lodge has said to Archie’s face, you’d think there wouldn’t be anything he could say behind his back that would make Archie so upset, but there he is, looking like the saddest clown in Riverdale.

Archie, you don’t want this heartless plutocrat’s love! Look, he’s currently smugly reading his own autobiography, Me! Not that he wrote it himself, mind you; he passed that duty off to one of his minions, which is why the author photo is actually of the money he used to pay the ghostwriter.

Shoe, 7/23/10

The Inappropriate Goggle Eyes of Horror are one of my most favorite visual tics in Shoe; these occur when a Shoe character encounters a typical lame Shoe punchline and reacts with a facial expression more appropriate for someone who just heard news about a fresh round of genocide. It’s common enough that it’s actually sort of remarkable when you don’t see it, as you don’t here. What is the distinction between punchlines that elicit goggle-eyed horror and those that do not? They all seem equally tepid. Is Shoe’s desperate alcoholism just such a well-known part of his personality that nobody bothers to react to it? Or is the Perfesser even more numb to life’s horror than usual today?

Crock, 7/23/10

Well, I guess this week’s evidence is that Crock is just going to hurl headfirst into horror and nightmare. If they’re going to go that route, I wish they’d do a little fact-checking. For instance, generally speaking germs are used in germ warfare rather than chemical warfare.

Mary Worth, 7/23/10

Oh, God, please let the Oedipal Complex be one of the Freudian theories Mary disputes. “Tell me about your mother. She and I are probably about the same age. Do I resemble her … physically?”

To avoid having this conversation, Dr. Mike has clearly chosen suicide. In panel one, his face twists in pain as he plunges that pencil he was playing with into his gut; in panel two, his expression goes slack as he finally finds peace.

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Gil Thorp, 7/20/10

Oh, look, it’s two kids named after gated housing developments who are bratty and so notorious that Gil’s heard of them both! This addition of irritating, privileged WASP teens is probably Gil Thorp’s misguided attempt to cash in on Gossip Girl fever, several months after it faded.

Apartment 3-G, 7/20/10

Oh, man, this A3G storyline is determined to keep bringing us new delights, isn’t it? The best part about today is how quickly Tommie has switched allegiances to the latest mean girl to come on the scene and tell her what to do. Forget you, Margo, it’s all about Kat now! Oh, God, we can’t keep Kat waiting! I’ve put on my robin’s-egg-blue sweatshirt, do you think it’s ugly enough? Will Kat think it’s ugly enough?

Crock, 7/20/10

I know the kids like their comics “dark” and “edgy” these days, but I’m not sure I’m ready for Crock to devolve into Eli Roth-style torture porn.

Mary Worth, 7/20/10

That’s right, ladies: when a man doesn’t call you after a date, it’s probably because he can’t deal with how intense his feelings for you are. It’s all detailed in my new dating advice book, He’s Just Into You So Very, Very Much That He Doesn’t Know How To Express It. These sorts of plot developments explain why Mary Worth isn’t more widely read: it’s too raw, too real.

Family Circus, 7/20/10

Billy, you don’t have to do what that man says! He’s obviously no police officer: He’s a stripper-cop, and he’s just a little lost as he looks for that oceanside bachelorette party he was hired to entertain.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 7/20/10

“Or if he hears it from my wife, or one of the twelve other people I shot my mouth off to about it on my way into work today.”

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Herb and Jamaal, 6/24/10

With a single (seemingly) misplaced word balloon stem, the tempestuous relationship between Herb and Eula (recently voted in a reader’s poll America’s sixth-favorite comics parent-in-law/child-in-law tempestuous relationship, just ahead of Momma’s Momma-Tina battle, but just behind the implacable hate between Leroy Lockhorn and his wife’s nameless bewigged mother) takes on an entirely new complexion. Is Eula a secret psionics master, controlling Herb’s thoughts and speech whenever the prospect of doing so amuses her? Or — even more disturbing — does that word balloon indicate an act of ventriloquism, because the tiny Herb is actually just a ventriloquist dummy that she forced her daughter to marry for her own twisted reasons? In this scenario, the familiar bickering that provides much of the humor for the strip is actually a decades-long vaudeville act for a select audience of Herb’s “wife” and the kids — OH MY GOD THE KIDS WHERE DID THE KIDS COME FROM???

Apartment 3-G, 6/24/10

I know I haven’t discussed Apartment 3-G lately, but I thought you might enjoy this strip in which Lu Ann and Margo have it out. Margo, let me assure you that a lot of us men like a gal with a forceful personality more than some nicey-nice little blonde! Now, please don’t hurt me.

Crock, 6/24/10

Good lord, that’s not the expression of a man who’s just had what he thinks is a clever idea; those are the eyes of a dangerous maniac. I’m assuming that editorial complaints resulted in the original dialogue here, which involved our captain lovingly describing the dismemberment of his enemies, being swapped out for a more run-of-the-mill “ha ha, Captain Preppie is a fop” joke.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/24/10

Wow, uh, somehow even though I was joking about this prospect yesterday, I honestly did not think that Funky Winkerbean’s next hilariously grim twist would be a terrible car crash. Kudos for keeping us on our toes, I guess, even though we’re standing on our toes so we don’t step on the rusty knives and infected hypodermics lying around everywhere. Meanwhile, let’s all enjoy that third panel at full size, shall we?

This panel will be the punchline for between 15 to 35 percent of all Funky Winkerbean strips from here on in.

Luann, 6/24/10

Yes, I will continue to bring you the Gunther-horror as long as it keeps happening! Today we learn an exciting new euphemism for “I saw your cock and ass,” but, as those are parts generally found on opposite sides of the human form, we must ask ourselves how Luann was able to see them during the two star-crossed losers’ brief moment of AHHHing. Did Gunther react in panic to his suddenly discovered nudity by twirling in place while shrieking? If so, we can be glad that there are horrors the strip has spared us (until next week, when Luann obsessively revisits the episode in her mind, in slo-mo).