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Mark Trail, 1/20/07

Now hear this, Mark Trail: You bore me, y’hear? You bore me. These damn beavers just keep getting relocated and coming back and rebuilding their damn dam. From here on in, I refuse to comment on their shenanigans unless it includes laughably obscene dialog such as “Uh-oh, here comes your dad. He’s going to see the beaver!” or “The beavers are excited about being with each other“. Even strips like today’s, which has potential “shaved beaver” laughs, won’t make the cut because it doesn’t actually contain the line “There’s the beaver Doc shaved!” or the like.

And “Doc did that so he could treat the hurt place” just creeps me out.

Blondie, 1/20/07

Speaking of things that creep me out, I know that Dagwood has a life-destroying eating disorder and all, but you could not pay me enough to put my face anywhere near the terrifying clown-headed PA system in panel one. I am, however, kind of charmed by Clown Burger’s motto, “Say — then pay!” So much faster than paying first and then trying to figure out what to order that costs exactly the amount that you’ve already paid.

Curtis, 1/20/07

I’m going to ignore the socially important but lethally boring message of this strip to ask HOLY CRAP WHY IS MOMMA CURTIS WEARING A BLACK SHIRT MARKED WITH AN ENORMOUS RED BAR CODE? As if the giant symbol of soulless mechanization weren’t bad enough, the Satanic color scheme is soul-chilling. Apparently the Anti-Christ is active in the world of Curtis, and Mrs. Wilkins has agreed to follow him and wear his Mark. This might explain why she’s serving Curtis and Barry some kind of inky black brew, though why she’s serving it to them in bowler hats is still an open question.

Family Circus, 1/20/07

Wow, this is the worst advice on fighting dirty I’ve ever heard. It’s almost as if Dolly wants someone to beat the crap out of Jeffy. Hmm.

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Curtis, 1/2/07

Ah, Kwanzaa: What would our life be without you? We would be bereft, is what, since we wouldn’t be treated to the annual totally demented and awesome Kwanztravaganza in Curtis. I didn’t think anything could beat last year’s bat-winged Kwanzaa bear, but this enormous, huge-eyed, telepathic (and the good kind of telepathic, with the glowing rings of telepathy emerging from her brain) golden otter is breathtaking in its over-the-top Kwanztasticness. I was going to go back and read the earlier Curtises I missed during my vacation to see if I could figure out what the hell is going on here, but why bother? Just lie back and enjoy the huge golden otter’s telepathic glow. Ahhhh.

The Phantom, 1/2/07

I did go back and read all the old Phantoms I missed, but I still have no idea what the hell this conversation is supposed to mean. Mostly I just like the sentence “We had it made with that securities job! Now we’re robbing natives!” I like to imagine it coming out of the mouth of one of the fratty Ivy League pricks I went to college with, one of the ones who was all eager to move to New York and get jobs working for Smith Barney or some such, but who one day found himself advancing on a village in Malawi with an AK-47 instead, wondering what had gone wrong with his life.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 1/2/07

The haircut and the striped t-shirt are strongly evocative of Ronald McDonald, which can’t possibly be accidental. But I think what really sells this for me is the fact that the giant cargo shorts are magenta. Because that’s what they’re wearing on the streets. Word.

Mark Trail, 1/2/07

Look at that wistful little smile on Mark’s face in the last panel. Oh, if there’s ever a man who loves the thrill of the struggle with a clever, hard-working beaver, it’s Mark Trail. He’s going to live-trap the hell out of those rodents — but he respects them, is the important thing.

I wonder when Mark is going to tell Dick that he’s the one who set Lucky loose to wreak havoc on Dick’s land. Hint: the best time will be when Dick is unarmed.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/2/07

Oh, for … Hagar and Lucky Eddie do not defend castles! OK? Hagar and Lucky Eddie attack castles that other people defend! Get it? They’re attackers! Not attackees! GAH!

I think there’s something wrong with me that this bothers me so much. But I’m still right, dammit.

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Curtis, 12/7/06

I make fun of Curtis a lot, but it’s definitely a strip that I’ve come to like more over the course of doing this blog. Yes, it’s got a set stable of jokes that it trots out over and over; but some of them never get old, and one of them is the “Barry wets the bed” gag. You’ll notice that his whining, mewling response to Curtis’s jibe isn’t exactly dispelling the notion.

On another note, I have absolutely no idea what role Moses could be playing in the school’s Christmas play. Perhaps in a bid for inclusiveness, all major religious leaders will be portrayed at the birth of the baby Jesus, including Moses, Muhammad, Buddha, Ganesha, Bahá’u’lláh, and L. Ron Hubbard (who will be played by “Onion”).

Family Circus, 12/7/06

Oh my God, look at that waist: Big Daddy Keane’s battle with anorexia marches grimly forward. I’m looking forward to the coming movie on the Lifetime Network, entitled Why Won’t Daddy Eat?

Anorexia is a serious condition with a host of psychological and physiological aspects, but it doesn’t provide an excuse for those pants.

Gil Thorp, 12/7/06

You know, once-mediocre athletes who lose parts of limbs in tragic chainsaw accidents have a lot to teach us about sports — and about life. For instance, Bill Ritter has taught us that the best way to enjoy a Gil Thorp football game is with massive amounts of morphine running through your bloodstream. Milford may have lost the game, but Bill is a real champion!