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Funky Winkerbean, 8/20/20

Oh no oh no oh no is Les telling Marianne about the sex stuff? I think that’s what we’re supposed to understand by the lacuna in his dialogue in the second panel? She already had to endure saying this dialogue, hasn’t she suffered enough? And is he … hitting on her? By doing this? Since Funky Winkerbean is fixated on classic Hollywood, it’ll be just like the classic Hollywood film Vertigo where Jimmy Stewart tries to remake some poor woman into his dead beloved; in Vertigo it was sad, gross, and ironic because the poor woman secretly is his dead beloved, whereas here it will just be sad and gross. Anyway, I’m really looking forward to years of strips covering Les’s divorce. “Blessed Lisa would never have left me for trying to mold an actress in her image and then have sex with her,” Les will fume silently to himself.

Mary Worth, 8/20/20

“I mean, at first I was sad about being separated from my dad, but it turns out that he’s a real asshole who just dumped me on a stranger and fled the country, so it turns out that it’s actually pretty easy for other people to be better caregivers than him!”

The Phantom, 8/20/20

Yes, Bangalla is a thriving post-colonial democracy, with a vibrant economy in which all it takes to get a good-paying job is [checks notes] a personal relationship with the head of the local government-backed paramilitary force!

Dennis the Menace, 8/20/20

Sad news: Henry Mitchell passed away peacefully in his sleep today at the age of 35. Rest in power, Henry, you’ll always be in our hearts.

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Mary Worth, 8/8/20

You gotta respect that, despite the fact that Toby is Mary’s only real friend, Mary maintains the upper hand in their relationship by keeping her in constant terror that Mary will reject her for some unforgivable transgression, like making subpar banana bread. Don’t hate me, Mary! Don’t cast me out into the outer darkness! Don’t leave me alone with nobody but Ian to talk to! Ian, for God’s sake! I couldn’t take it!

Dennis the Menace, 8/8/20

Starting with a healthy skepticism of the motivations behind the actions of powerful institutions but then veering into increasingly deranged paranoid conspiracy theories is a little on the nose for our current menacing moment, thank you very much!

Shoe, 8/8/20

“Because I and all the customers are birds. You know, animals, like you’d see in the zoo. Is there a special word for a bird-zoo? An avarium or something? Is that a thing? Anyway: birds.”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/7/20

Well, we finally got through the boring parts of this storyline — like the part where Rex did the same dumb normal doctor stuff he does now, but in the past, or the part where he fell over, or the part where he got a free medical practice — but now, at last, we’re getting to the emotional meat of the story, where Rex and June get to know one another and explore their feelings and — oh, what’s that? We’re not getting that at all? Rex hired June, and then proposed three months later, with nothing of interest happening in between those two events? Huh. And then she said yes? Huh. Anyhoo, I guess we’re wrapping this up and moving onto our next storyline, which is probably about … Buck’s favorite rockabilly performer! Bet he’s down on his luck!

Dennis the Menace, 8/7/20

Is a hot dog a sandwich? Is cereal a soup? Is a pop-tart a calzone? Sounds like Dennis has been getting involved in pointless social media/messageboard discussions from two or three years ago, which honestly is at least medium menacing.