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Dennis the Menace, 1/31/16

After seeing the graphic in the title panel, I was extremely disappointed that this comic is about an old man grousing about technology until his irritating neighbor shows up. Clearly it should be about Mr. Wilson travelling back in time and preventing Henry and Alice from meeting so Dennis is never born.

Shoe, 1/31/16

Ha ha! It’s funny because a dog beloved by schoolchildren died!

B.C., 1/31/16

Ha ha! It’s funny because they thought their friend had died, but he hadn’t, and they don’t seem to care that much one way or another about it!

Six Chix, 1/31/16

WHY IS THE PIG’S TONGUE HANGING OUT

DO PIGS’ TONGUES REALLY DO THAT

IF SO WHY ISN’T THE OTHER ONE’S TONGUE ALSO HANGING OUT

BY THE WAY DON’T GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH “PIG TONGUE,” THE RESULTS ARE SUPER GROSS

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/27/16

June and Heather have spent the past several days discussing the fact that Heather loves June’s new baby and wants to have a baby but is married to a man vanishing into Alzheimer’s and thus will never have a baby and is very sad about it. But remember, Heather isn’t just a sad Scottish ex-nanny with a senile husband; she’s also a criminal conspirator who has masterminded schemes of corporate skullduggery not once but twice. She is going to feel zero moral qualms about kidnapping that baby the moment June leaves the room, is what I’m saying.

Momma, 1/27/16

This is a joke about … STDs, maybe? “Bad colds” being code for “herpes”? That’s the joke? Or maybe the joke is “Francis thinks it’s OK to say ‘My new girlfriend is always kissing me! Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!’ to his mother, which isn’t a ‘joke’ so much as a ‘nightmare from which we will never wake.'”

Dennis the Menace, 1/27/16

There are few things more unsettlingly menacing than spending hours each night poring over old Calvin and Hobbes strips and then passing off the behavior you’re carefully mimicking as “naturally weird.”

Hi and Lois, 1/27/16

See, you thought the joke of this cartoon was going to be that these little kids unthinkingly reminded the old man that he would be dead soon, but in fact the joke is that they’ve reminded him of the many terrible, terrible things he’s seen and done. It’s nice when a long-standing feature like Hi and Lois can keep you guessing!

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Heathcliff, 1/25/16

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for a bit more than a year now, and so far my biggest celebrity sightings have been Sam Rockwell and Paul Dano, which pretty much matches my level, I think? My wife did have an extremely Los Angeles experience once, though, at a restaurant called Cafe Gratitude, which is a crunchy vegan restaurant where all the dishes are named things like “Confident” or “Dynamic” and when your server brings it to you they say “You are … confident.” (or whatever it is you ordered, you get it). Anyway, while dining at this joint Amber overheard the guy at the next table talking, and it turned out he was Kenny Loggins manager and maybe a little braggy about it. Did that guy make enough from licensing his client’s intellectual property to Heathcliff to afford more lunches at that pretentious restaurant? Maybe, maybe not. I frankly don’t think the joke was worth it.

Dennis the Menace, 1/25/16

Ugggh, Dennis, being pedantic about common turns of phrase isn’t so much “menacing” as “extremely tiresome,” and I think less of you for it.

Mary Worth, 1/25/16

Ahahahahha, I will never tire of seeing Mary Worth calmly sexually reject the men inexplicably besotted with her, in the comics! Ironically, of course. I enjoy seeing this happen on an ironic level. Definitely am not aroused by it, not even a little. Please do not capture me and have me studied by a team of expert sexologists.