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Apartment 3-G, 6/18/15

“There’s more, Tommie.” “OH?!” The Tommie-bot was beginning to disassemble herself for easier storage when it became clear that Lu Ann wished to prolong the interaction, so she hastily reattached her head.

Blondie, 6/18/15

“Actually, this has been a bit slower for us than normal. That’s why we’re hosting and catering an orgy!”

Dennis the Menace, 6/18/15

Little-known fact: when a comic strip’s main character says the name of the strip in the strip, the strip’s universe disappears in a puff of smoke. That’s why Dennis’s parents are so excited. At last, they think, we’re almost free.

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Mark Trail, 6/9/15

Rusty isn’t just a hideous boy-thing that the Trails took in because nobody else would let him live inside; he’s also a constant danger magnet who needs to be rescued on the regular! You’ll remember, of course, the time he got stuck under a car, which led to Mark sacrificing his moral code and punching a cop in the face. Today’s drama plays out much more quickly: not only is Rusty endangered not by some human-made machine but by Mark’s beloved nature, but it’s Mark who ends up unconscious and concussed at the end of it. Will Rusty have to find hitherto unseen reserves of strength and drag Mark to safety? Will he allow Mark to die and just forlornly stare at Mark’s corpse until he gets hungry, and then start eating it? Either way, I think the real lesson here is that this lake is surrounded by rotting trees that just fall over when you barely look at them, so maybe there needs to be a local beaver population to clear out the literal dead wood.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/9/15

“I mean, my daughter is an actual apprentice art forger for the mob, so what’s a little light counterfeiting between friends? Anyway, take care of it, but don’t feel a need to let me in on the details. Remember, I can’t testify about anything I don’t know about!”

Dennis the Menace, 6/9/15

Dennis embraces the dystopian future where human offspring are grown in vats and, once weaned from their wire mothers, delivered by flying robots to their assigned workstations, A+ menacing.

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Funky Winkerbean, 6/6/15

In a touching gesture, one of Les’s fellow reunion organizers took from him the burden of putting together the “Gone But Not Forgotten” display. Because if there’s one thing Les doesn’t like to do, it’s dwell on the memory of his dead wife! Oh, hey, why don’t we add the book Les wrote about his dead wife’s death to the display. Say, do you suppose anyone wrote a book about the death of poor dead Livinia Jessup? No? Oh well, guess she probably didn’t die as movingly! I mean, do we really even need her picture there at all?

Dennis the Menace, 6/6/15

Significantly more menacing things Dennis could’ve said:

• “You’re a grown man with a wife and a long, productive career behind you, and the possession you prize above all others is a poster that you clearly bought at a store somewhere and that has no actual historical connection to Daniel Boone?”
• “If this is your most prized possession, why do you have to keep it up here in the attic?”

Shoe, 6/6/15

“This body is a repulsive husk, a meat-prison that I dream every day of escaping. KILL ME AND SET ME FREE, I BEG OF YOU”