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Mary Worth, 1/13/15

Tobey often exists in this strip as someone to half-listen all glassy eyed to Mary’s expository gossip-blather, but she sure seems interested in the elder-loving goings on around Charterstone today! Maybe it’s recently occurred to her that Ian, the December to her May, is likely to leave her a widow at a young age after rage-stroking out. “Gee, Hanna found a boyfriend over at the nursing home, and she’s almost as old as he is! If I go sashaying over there when I’m, say, 55, I’ll have my pick!”

Mark Trail, 1/13/15

Is whacking a gator on the neck with a big stick an approved method of scaring it away? Sure, why the heck not. Mark has taken his time and picked up the villain’s gun quite a ways away from where the gator is, so I’m assuming that his nemesis was in fact eaten yesterday and this is some kind of advanced alligator Heimlich maneuver. He’ll be “help[ing] him out” of the beast’s gullet, presumably significantly worse for wear.

Dennis the Menace, 1/13/15

OK, I’ll admit it: the sight of Dennis and Joey leaning back in intense intestinal distress is completely delightful and funny and poignant to me, at all once. There are few things more menacing to your sense of ease than discovering that your appetites can actually outpace the capacities of your body.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/8/15

FOOLISH MORTALS! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BIND SARAH MORGAN WITH WORDS ON PAPER? SARAH MORGAN WHO IS DIFFERENT AND BETTER THAN US, SARAH MORGAN WHO BENDS THE MINDS OF MEN AND WOMEN TO HER WILL WITHOUT ANY EFFORT? WHAT MEANING DO THESE SCRIBBLINGS HAVE WHEN SARAH’S NAME HAS ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN IN HER OWN FIERY BLOOD ON THE PAGES OF ETERNITY

Spider-Man, 1/8/15

Not sure, which is more stupid and yet wholly believable in the context of this strip: that Mary Jane would keep her cell phone on her person while filming a movie dressed in a skin-tight superhero costume, or that Spider-Man would carry his around while doing business as an actual superhero.

Heathcliff, 1/8/15

Heathcliff’s owner-lady is so strict in imposing her Victorian sensibilities on all speech-capable beings in her household that they’re forced to bowdlerize even the final, terrified pleas they squeak out just before their bloody death.

Dennis the Menace, 1/8/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Dennis the Dennis the Menace creative team thinks kids talk to each other on the phone!

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The Lockhorns, 12/17/14

Kudos to the Lockhorns for occasionally giving us another angle on their “Leroy and Loretta passive-aggressively try to emotionally destroy one another in a mostly featureless hell-dimension” shtick. By another angle, I don’t mean thematically, of course; I mean a literal viewing angle. Today, for instance, Leroy responds to Loretta’s basic need for reassurance on her appearance with a cruel wisecrack while the two of them stand next to a doorframe and a mirror floating in an otherwise featureless-hell dimension, as you’d expect, but we’re looking up at the whole scenario from about knee height, which gives us both a close up on Loretta’s ass (demonstrating what gave rise to the conversation) and also a great look at Leroy’s looming gut spilling over his belt (demonstrating the lack of self-awareness that’s going hand in hand with his lack of tact).

Gil Thorp, 12/17/14

How is Gil following up his state football championship? Why, by keeping all the good players off the basketball team, that’s how! “I only do a half-assed job at coaching most years, so shouldn’t I be able to rest on my championship laurels and literally not even field a basketball team this year? Let’s see how many people I can convince to quit!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/17/14

Oh whoops it looks like Becka’s husband didn’t actually leave her for the sexy nutritionist co-worker he flirted with in 2009; that was just to establish his untrustworthy character in the very long chess game Rex Morgan has apparently been playing with us all this time. Anyhoo, I know Becka’s in a low emotional state, but she also appears to be in the 25-40 demographic, and therefore shouldn’t go around affixing the “cyber” prefix to whatever slur she’s applying to people just because they came into her life via the Internet, satisfying though it no doubt is.

Dennis the Menace, 12/17/14

“Cheer up, Mr. Wilson! All of us are on a one-way road with no exits, and its final destination is death!”