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Marmaduke, 9/1/13

Readers of this blog are aware that the primary theme of Marmaduke is that Marmaduke is a nightmarish demon-god who hungers for human flesh (and human souls) and keeps the populace of his sleepy suburban town in a state of constant terror. You’re probably also aware of a secondary theme: namely, that Marmaduke’s owner is Hitler. But there’s also a tertiary narrative strand that pops up very occasionally, involving terrifying space monsters who occasionally wander into the panel. Are we meant to understand today that this seemingly innocent-looking fire hydrant is secretly a space-travelling robot probe, with a mission to scan Earth and report back to its interstellar masters? Or is it just an ordinary fire hydrant that, in a desperate bid for survival, spontaneously achieved both sentience and the power of spaceflight in order to avoid being doused in Marma-urine? (Marma-urine is more corrosive than the most powerful industrial acid known to man, because, as noted, Marmaduke is a nightmarish demon-god.)

Dennis the Menace, 9/1/13

Citizens! Are you adequately terrified of looming and unspecified disasters and crises? Are you monitoring government-approved warning systems at all times? Have you and your neighbors made a plan to flee your homes forever, abandoning all your worldly possessions and leaving entire cities empty, if the “need” arises? This adorable towheaded tyke wouldn’t lie to you! The threat is real! Vague but real! Dennis’s menacing factor has increased an order of magnitude.

Wizard of Id, 9/1/13

The best panel in this strip is definitely the second in the third row. The Wiz and his treasured pet gaze at one another with the sort of pure, unembarrassed love that it seems people can only experience with animals. There’s going to be a new way for the two of them to be affectionate! Isn’t that great! Then, of course, comes the tearing flesh and the venom seeping into open wounds. And the screaming. So much screaming.

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Dennis the Menace, 8/24/13

Dennis dreams of fleas, monstrously huge fleas, fleas the size of dogs, fleas with a terrible thirst for blood that’s proportionate to their size, fleas that sink their awful probisci into hapless, screaming victims and drain them in an instant, then leap dozens of feet after the panicked citizens, covering the distance faster than any poor human can run. Dennis dreams of putting collars and leashes these beasts and bending them to his will, of gathering a bloodsucking army of nightmare-insects. Dennis is clearly increasing his menace levels in a hurry.

Family Circus, 8/24/13

“When will the lustful sin-urges finally leave their bodies and their minds? When will they finally be able to live together in chastity, like you two do?”

Blondie, 8/24/12

The joke is that Dagwood’s dead, right? He used to be alive, but now he’s dead?

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Dennis the Menace, 7/25/13

The dark heart of Margaret and Dennis’s relationship is this: despite her prissy condemnation of his antics, Margaret genuinely wants Dennis to be her friend (and, in an inchoate prepubescent way, probably something more); on the other hand, Dennis is a creature without subtlety or inner life, and his open contempt for Margaret is exactly what it looks like, without any nuance or subtext. Of course, when Dennis needs her smarts, he’s glad to invite her over and pretend, for as brief a time as possible, that they’re pals. This is emotional menacing. This is the hardcore stuff.

Momma, 7/25/13

The “parliamentary procedure” gag here may be a little obscure, but longtime Momma trufans like us know that the whole Hobbes family has a weird fascination with prime ministers and the Westminster system of parliamentary government. A weird, sexual fascination. These are the opening moments of a twisted incestuous orgy, is what I’m saying. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE INSIGHT, EVERYBODY.

Mark Trail, 7/25/13

Whoops, looks like Mark isn’t just a cool meat fan! No, he went into that meat cooler looking to take pictures of … something, something glowing, something magical, like the contents of the mysterious briefcase in Pulp Fiction. Take all the pictures you want, Mark! They’re not going to do you any good! This evil bad guy is going to imprison the heck out of you, with the glowing thing!

Slylock Fox, 7/25/13

There’s four balloons, and they’re all off-white! There’s one party guest, and he has to stay outside! Welcome to the saddest birthday party ever!