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Funky Winkerbean, 4/2/12

Let’s enjoy all the ways in which the dialogue in this strip serves to explain the plot and fails to mirror humans actually talk, shall we? “Why is Funky here?” may be the reader’s reaction to the strip’s title character’s sudden appearance, but that probably wouldn’t be the blunt, immediate response of Funky’s best friend’s teenage daughter (though we may give her some leeway due to general teenage sass and/or her justifiable disgust at Funky’s existence). Panel two is quite the doozy of exposition, though! One would of course assume that, having already packed her bags, Summer is well aware that she’s taking a class trip to Washington, D.C. And under normal circumstances one would also assume that she would have known for some time that her father and (future? did my mind maybe erase the elaborate Les-Cayla wedding, to protect me?) stepmother would be there making sure she wasn’t making out with random dudes in a secluded spot in the Jefferson Memorial or whatever. But maybe Les’s stratospheric self-regard led him to believe that his daughter would want to spend time with him on her trip, and thus this is supposed to be some special surprise for her? Les and Funky continue smirking smugly after Summer disabuses them of this notion, no doubt because they know from experience that the teenage years Summer is so eager to escape now will in retrospect be the least miserable time of her life. They know that in the Funkyverse the adulthood that Summer craves so much is really a long, bumpy road leading through pain to death. (The bumps in the road are tumors.)

Dennis the Menace, 4/2/12

Since Joey’s illiteracy is I believe fairly well established in this strip, it seems uncharacteristically menacing for Dennis to have read him what’s scrawled on his prank-sign. Joey’s uncontrollable weeping at the thought of his only friend moving away seems about right, though, as does his inability to grasp the concept of an April Fool’s Joke after repeated explanations.

Archie, 4/2/12

Ha ha, nice try, Archie, but Riverdale’s rigid class structure isn’t going to break down on Mr. Lodge’s watch!

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Gil Thorp, 3/31/12

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on the spring storyline in Gil Thorp! (Or, for you Thorpophobes: Sorry I’m about to bring you up to date on the spring storyline in Gil Thorp!) The softball team has been roiled by a standoffish new girl who’s only standoffish to protect a mysterious secret (HER SECRET: she is a teen mom), which I’m sure will be wacky at some point in the future but right now it’s kind of enh. What drew my eye to today’s strip was the second panel. Most of us probably wouldn’t deem five vultures hovering menacingly over the baseball field a “good sign” for the season. My guess is that, having failed at coaching via conventional means, Gil and Coach Kaz have decided to study the ancient art of augury, which the Romans used to divine the future by studying the flight patterns of birds, in order to defeat their enemies and gain the favor of the gods. This will go great, up until the inevitable lawsuit from Americans United for the Separation of Pagan Temple and State.

Mary Worth, 3/31/12

Now here’s an interesting plot twist! This scene of Nola weeping disconsolately in public, pleasing though it is, surely isn’t the last we’re going to see of her; so why the sudden shift to Mary and Jeff (the latter in his sweet letterman jacket), sitting at home watching This Week In Disgraced Televangelists on the Schadenfreude Channel? Perhaps there’s a link between weeping Nola and her biblical-esque parable, failed monogamist Johnny Thomas, and these helpful words from Jesus from earlier this month? My guess: Nola and Johnny will find their way back to righteousness together, after they have illicit sex.

Dennis the Menace, 3/31/12

Mr. Wilson has finally decided to kill Dennis, with insecticide.

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Dennis the Menace, 3/13/12

Hmm, Dennis boasts about being completely uninterested in loving, magical bonding moments with his father, and also convinces the presumably illiterate Joey that books are a load of dull crap? +5 menacing points! (This total would be higher if I knew for sure that his dad was within earshot, weeping.)

Six Chix, 3/13/12

Does anyone else remember the episode of Facts of Life where Tootie almost decides to lose her virginity in the backseat of a car with some dude, but then changes her mind at the last minute? And she gets into the car wearing a trenchcoat over some ostensibly sexy but actually off-putting frill-and-bow covered ’80s lingerie-harness? Anyway, I certainly hope that this far-too-media-savvy child eventually encounters this episode on YouTube and learns a thing or two.

Spider-Man, 3/13/12

So, the past few — days? it seems like so much longer — of the Thor portion of the current Spider-Man storyline can now be summed up like this:

Thor: Forsooth, Heimdall, this faire lady is dying, and to save her I must prithee ask thee in bullshit fake-o historically/geographically/culturally inappropriate Old Timey English to let me pass!

Heimdall: Nay, my brother, Odin hast charged me with preventing you from re-entering Asgard.

Thor: But the lady! Let me pass!

Heimdall: Nay!

[repeat this way too many times]

Thor: No, but seriously dude, let me in.

Heimdall: Enh, fine, whatever.

ACTION! ADVENTURE! EXCITEMENT!!!