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Crock, 9/2/09

My maternal grandmother grew up on a farm in Oklahoma, and after a brief but exciting (and husband-netting) stint working in Los Angeles during World War II, moved to a very small town in Ohio where she would live for the rest of her life. She was never an early adopter when it came to gadgetry and was in fact pretty technophobic — I’ll always remember when, as a teenager, I tried for the third or fourth time to explain to her what the buttons on her VCR did, and said “It’s just like on a cassette player!” and she admitted that she had never figured out how to work her cassette player either. That said, one futuristic appliance that she did buy before anyone else I knew was a microwave oven. I literally cannot remember a time when her beloved “micro” wasn’t on its little stand next to her kitchen table, which means that she must have bought it by 1982 or so at the latest. And it kept right on working, as near as I can remember, until she passed away in 1998, an awful good run for an appliance (and a marked contrast with my current microwave, which we got as wedding present less than four years ago and which is already flaking out, though that’s a rant for a different time and place, the place presumably being a long, detailed diatribe to be sent registered mail to the Panasonic Corporation). Perhaps one of the reasons that my grandmother, who was born in 1922, was able to easily integrate this modern wonder into her workflow was that all of its features were controlled by knobs, like the conventional oven that she was already familiar with, but unlike, say, every microwave sold anywhere for the last fifteen to twenty years.

In case you’re wondering what the point of all this is, I’m trying to say that the creators of Crock are unfathomably old.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/2/09

Rex Morgan didn’t waste any time taking story elements that should be interesting — the plight of our seniors, a marriage troubled by adulterous yearnings — and making them incredibly boring, so boring that these ladies eating out at some midscale Italian place actually means that things are looking up. I’m sure that I’m going to get dozens of irate letters defending the genius of various Italian grandmothers for this, but alfredo sauce, satisfying as it almost always is, doesn’t really leave tons of room for subtle, secert variations, in my experience. It’s pretty much just cheese, cream, garlic, and butter, right? Still, deceased Yugoslav President for Life Tito’s recipe must have been pretty good to get Berna free restaurant meals out of it; or, alternately, it may have been actively poisonous, which would explain why Berna looks like a deranged serial killer in panel two, and why Becka calls it “wicked.”

Apartment 3-G, 9/2/09

Speaking of rapid descents into boring, it’s taken only 48 hours for the Professor to botch his potentially interesting prescription drug abuse storyline by maundering off into a bunch of snoozeville blah blah about Greek surnames. That knocking at the door is an Apartment 3-G producer, come to tell the Professor that his tryout as a central character is now concluded, and to remove him with an enormous vaudeville-style hook if he doesn’t come quietly.

Dennis the Menace, 9/2/09

Either that or he’s decided to skip “menacing” and head straight on into “troubling paranoia.”

Hi and Lois, 9/2/09

While I don’t condone property destruction to prove a point, it is worth noting that Trixie has been the same height since this strip debuted in 1954. She’s probably not getting any taller, and it’s about time the family recognized that and added some accommodations in their home for her condition.

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One again, your comment of the week is coming soon … but there are many hilarious and informative items that you have to work your way through first, which working through you will not regret! First off I will plug a little project that I’ve contributed to! If you have a Facebook account and are at all interested in free text-based adventure games, you might want to check out the Land of Odd! Look for the quests written by jfruh (that’s me!).

Next up is this image from faithful reader DOlz: “I was reading the vintage “Beetle Bailey” and I thought you might like to know Campy Swampy has long been a man’s camp.”

Next comes a note from faithful reader KTrout:

I live in a bland suburb about an hour from Vancouver, British Columbia, and when I make forays into the big city I often find myself walking or bussing through the Downtown Eastside. On Hastings street is a drinking establishment with the name “Funky Winker Bean’s Pub.” Being a year shy of the provincial drinking age I can’t say what it’s like inside but the pub’s listing on the website “Clubvibes” paints an evocative picture: “It was surprisingly clean, and the red walls with the half nude flapper girls that adorned them helped to create a kind of calculated aesthetic.” Furthermore, the listing boasts “Cheap Drinks” such as “$1.50 for a glass of beer, $2.75 for a 16oz pint, or $3.25 Shooters! (sic)” As if that weren’t enough it seems that revelers can also enjoy the services of “April the Bouncy Bartender.” (But only on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.) The clubvibes entry can be found here.

I’ve never had a camera handy on my trips, but Google brings us this picture:

Next comes this note from faithful readers David Di Lillo and Mike Young:

We took a trip down to Washington D.C. to see the “Funny Pages”
exhibit at the fabulous five-floor Newseum, which provides a nice
timeline of comic strip history, only to find a large-scale Dennis the
Menace in his typical, non-menacing, “What’d I do?” pose. This
sighting made the $1 Megabus fare worth it.

Also! You might recall that last week I unaccustomedly posted a blurb from a syndicate promotional flack, because I love Lio and I love lookalike contests. This week I am going to give you a little taste of another I received:

Archie Comics made headline news this summer when it was announced that Michael Uslan (Executive Producer of “The Dark Knight”, “Batman Begins”) would be scripting “Archie marries Veronica”! The story was covered in front pages of newspapers around the world!

It goes on like that, blah blah eternal love triangle blah blah electronic sneak preview here blah blah WAIT HOLY CRAP SCRIPT WRITTEN BY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE ULTRA-BLEAK DARK KNIGHT? I am very much looking forward to the shocking climax, when Reggie forces Archie to decide whether to save Veronica (tied to a pile of dynamite in an abandoned warehouse) or Betty (being slowly lowered into a vat of acid in an old factory across town).

And finally we have have this charming note from faithful reader AirForbes:

I know you have an interest in wacky comics-related things your readers do, so I submit for your review the real life Jack Elrod Ball. I made this from a piece of cast-off illustration board, and with some reusable adhesive, it can be placed in a multitude of locations.

King Features is really missing out on the marketing possibilities here. The Elrod Ball! Create your own nature scenes involving ginormous wildlife! Stick it on the living room wall and experience the suspense of knowing that at any moment, a khaki-clad naturalist may kick in your front door and start punching anyone with facial hair! For example, I created this scene featuring a beloved Mark Trail character from a previous storyline, Lucky Beaver, at the creek in my backyard. I’m thinking a line of static decals for car windows would work well, too.

And now … your comment of the week!

“You know what they say, ‘Guns don’t kill people … and neither does this guy.'” –Rachel211

And your also-hilarious runners up!

“Over and over again I’m struck by how charmingly whimsical the art in Crankshaft is compared to how loathsome and charm-free the characters. Of course, if the art matched the content, then it would have to be drawn in smears of pig’s blood or something. Still. It’s jarring.” –Strangefate

“Before piling wood on your lawn, think twice. Will your future piled wood needs perhaps differ, locationwise? Plan ahead, so you don’t have to rely on the coerced servitude of hostile, resentful youths. Even when you’re absolutely certain, take a moment to inspect the exposed surface at the end each ‘log,’ and consult the following handy reference: Concentric circles: Log. Proceed. Spirals: Swiss cake roll. Reconsider.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Obviously Cathy hasn’t yet stumbled onto Irving’s account at from-the-waist-down.net.” –HvP

“‘Mary Worth in Space’ would be a great 1970s Saturday morning cartoon! Of course she’d have a talking dune buggy.” –Vince M

“Hopefully, tomorrow, Del picks up one of her husband’s books and cries, ‘W-whoa! That’s … philosophy of a kind … I suppose…’ Lawrence: ‘I forgot you weren’t into the more posthumanist epistemology! Some things never change … hmm?'” –teddytoad

“My fondest wish is that, while Lawrence and Delilah are sitting in their hotel room, declaring their love for one another, Barry saunters in from another strip and nonchalantly takes a piss while cracking wise at both of them.” –Patrick

“I can’t see how you don’t see this as one more instance of the roving eyes that keep Lawrence on the road and drove Del to turn to Beefsteak Charley’s Lovenest to relieve her hunger for attention. It’s like, ‘Del, let’s talk in my room. It’s more pri … Why, HEL-LO THERE, Ms. Sexy Female Episcopal Priest. You know, it’s funny because I was just thinking about the Synod of Whitby and … Oh, right, Del. My room is this way. The champagne is, um, a gift from my publisher. So is the underwear.'” –Edgy DC

“Maybe what we’ve always assumed is Curtis’ hat is, in fact, an overly elaborate hairstyle? That would explain how it manages to stay perched precariously on his head under the most extraordinary circumstances. Whatever it is, though, my question is: how in the Hell does Curtis plan on getting his shirt on over it?” –TheDiva

“Dear Lord … I pray that Barry does NOT have the runs tomorrow morning while accusing Michelle of human sacrifice.” –AeroSquid

“A3-G: The small airport is so small, it doesn’t even seem to have a plane. I’m guessing the travelers just climb up that big mountain in the background, strap on some cardboard wings, and jump off.” –Perky Bird

“Viewing today’s Curtis, I can only think of three possible explanations: 1. Curtis’ brother’s penis comes out of his sternum. 2. Curtis’ brother has an exceptionally long and hose-like penis, that can be pulled up and over the toilet bowl. 3. Curtis’ brother is making a mess! By the way, forgive me for not knowing his name (though perhaps it’s actually ‘Worm’, which would lead me to believe the explanation is number two?), but I do have a life. Just not one rich and full enough to keep me from thinking about cartoon character’s penises, apparently.” –kevinbapp.com

“I know that many, if not most, newspaper comics are typically not abreast of current news, fashion, trends, technologies, wars, speech patterns, behaviors of young people, etc., but is it actually a requirement? Do the comics syndicates have a non-compete clause in their contract with newspapers that prevents them from delivering any content that might be considered current?” –wagmore barkless

“My Internet Happy Box involves more yiffing, to be honest. Granted, I can only see so much in that last panel.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“When a colony collapses in the Batuikverse do you think a bee in a tuxedo and an opera mask shows up to carry off the hive?” –Hank

“So, Gil — you’ve taken an angry young man who pummeled your house with baseballs and paired him with a bunch of defenseless kids and easy access to unlimited baseballs? Yeah, that seems like a good judgment call. Those kids are going home covered in ball-sized welts.” –Old School Allie Cat

“I think that I shall never see/ A man like Crankshaft ’xplainin’ bees.” –Dingo

“‘SO WHAT’S THE REAL ANSWER?!’ Trick question. The bees are all alive and well, but the Army misidentified some other insects’ remains.” –Chyron HR

“If being shot at makes Mark think he’s on the right track, I imagine being killed will really make his day! ‘I’ve solved it! Huzzah!’ *dies*” –zooby

“I think the low-angle shot represents the contempt with which Crankshaft views his audience. He figures these ditzy broads won’t understand anything about his brilliant bee lecture unless he literally draws them a picture of an oversized, simplified cartoon bee. This is the ’Shaft’s equivalent of a Power Point presentation. Call it An Incontinent Truth.” –Joe Blevins

“I always wonder how longtime legacy strips end. Mostly, it seems to be with a week’s worth of maudlin nostalgia that seeks to manufacture a sense of loss in the reader. Rarely does a strip die a ‘natural death’, in the sense that the plot ties up and the story really has come to an end. All of which is to say — if tomorrow our orange assassin drills Mark Trail right between the eyes, with a final panel saying ‘So long! It’s been a great 63 years’, I will be thrilled and impressed beyond measure.” –David Schraub

“There are cutters in Dick Tracy, all right. They always start with the fingers.” –Dean Booth

“What next, a scene in which Edda smears a naked Amos with tiramisu and licks it off? Ow, I hurt my own brain.” –Poteet

“After reading Crankshaft for a while, maybe Death Panels aren’t such a bad idea.” –Wolf Shepherd

“If the reason the bees are dying is ‘rattlesnakes’, the past few weeks of Crankshaft will make perfect sense. Yes, including the fast forward. Rattlesnakes, man! They get their venom into your head and then you’re like … whoa, dude, I’m seeing flashbacks from every time I’ve ever seen a baseball game, except I’m in the future. Oh, wait, hold on. Did I say ‘rattlesnakes’? I meant ‘marijuana’. Marijuana is the only way the past few weeks of Crankshaft make any sense.” –Black Drazon

“So now we know the truth: Rodgers and Hammerstein songs make Delilah so instantly and powerfully aroused that when Charley sang them, she became terrified of her own physical desire and had to flee to the only man she knew would serve as an antidote to lust.” –buckyswife

“Yesterday I saw ‘salmon’ in a list of colors, and I realized that salmon squares aren’t so named because they’re made of fish — nobody knows what the heck they are, so they call them salmon squares, because they’re salmon-coloured squares. The next pool party will introduce aquamarine triangles.” –AirForbes

“Well it seems that Del and Lawrence, while unable to communicate in any semblance of a constructive manner, have put aside their differences because Lawrence would never dream of even looking at a woman in a one piece bathing suit, let alone owning a Thomas Kincade reproduction of one. Now they enjoy their chaste, chaste ‘love making’ which probably consists of a few minutes of solid hand holding while Lawrence reads aloud from Leviticus.” –Suspicious Patron

“2012 is either when this lame story is going to wind down or when someone finally identifies that weird rotting flesh smell coming from Charley’s apartment.” –walty

“Ugh. And now Lawrence proceeds to fill Delilah up with babies, as God intended.” –Nomstrosity

“I love the expression on Barfy’s face as he has an existential moment: ‘Dear God, I’m going to be stuck with these people for the rest of my life, aren’t I?'” –spazmodeas

“Wow, how big is that tent? Maybe the Keanes aren’t camping at all, but they’ve tented their house for termites — and because it’s raining outside, they’re all going to be poisoned. In which case, their lawsuit against the weatherman seems a little more winnable.” –BigTed

Three cheers for everyone who put cash into my tip jar! And cheers also to my advertisers:

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Dennis the Menace, 7/25/09

It’s possible that Dennis simply lacks the intellectual capacity to be particularly menacing. Certainly the way he and Joey are looking at that shoe, with a sort of earnest puzzlement, doesn’t really speak well of their brainpower. “Hmm, can we eat it? Only one way to find out!”

Gil Thorp, 7/25/09

There’s something wholly unbelievable about this cartoon. It’s not that Coach Kaz has rounded up some no doubt wholly innocent young man after 48 hours of “detective” work, and it’s not that he’s delivered the kid by the scruff of his neck to Gil, with the expectation that swift justice will be dished out in the form of a vicious beating; that all makes total sense. But I refuse to believe that alpha jock couple Gil and Mimi spend their lazy summer afternoons playing chess like a couple of poindexters.

Dick Tracy, 7/25/09

Dick Tracy’s look of intense bug-eyed excitement in the final panel tells it all: though he knows that it’s important to represent himself as a feeling human with at least a tiny glimmer of empathy, any scene where corpses tumble through the air is exactly the sort of thing that he likes the looks of.