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Dennis the Menace, 12/17/09

I hereby request demand that Dennis the Menace be renamed Henry Mitchell the Lascivious, Menacing Pervert, as today he appears to be insisting that Dennis ensure that sexily emaciated 15-year-old baby-sitter Chloe remain in the Mitchell family employ. I’d say that Henry was merely planning to teach Dennis about sexual objectification early, or perhaps that he had found a new star for his masturbatory reveries, but yesterday we saw him making time at the mall with some non-wife person, so clearly he plans some unseemly, legally actionable advance. This panel is by far the most distasteful thing on today’s comics page.

Mary Worth, 12/17/09

By comparison, today’s Mary Worth is positively innocent, though I do require that Wilbur keep both hands where we can see them. This is literally the twelfth consecutive day Wilbur has spent parked in front of his computer, and many of us were beginning to despair that we’d ever seem a flashback, so today’s sexy thought balloon about Wilbur’s lost love is something of a breath of fresh air, even if it is juxtaposed with a facial expression of Spock-like seriousness. C’mon Wilbur, who could have resisted that pearl necklace, that frilly collar, that fringy jacket? It was the sort of outfit that drove men wild, on whatever alternate-universe 1970s Earth where someone might have actually worn it!

Dick Tracy, 12/17/09

I would like to point out that that the alienating, inhumanely scaled architecture on display in the second panel of today’s Dick Tracy nicely parallels the alienation between long-haired father and long-haired son. I’d also like to point out that, if you want your rage-frenzied classical orchestra conductor dad to stop hitting you, you probably shouldn’t refer to violins as “fiddles.”

Ziggy, 12/17/09

In case you’re wondering what this is about: this is what this is about! I’d like to add that I dearly hope that comics editors really do go work wearing a suit and tie, and that they sit behind a large, imposing desk, and that, when they ask hairless, half-naked weirdos to maybe put on some pants, they do so with an expression that shows that they speak more from sorrow than from anger.

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Marvin, 12/16/09

I’m a bit confused as to the relevance of the first panel of today’s Marvin. Roy does not seem to have done anything to get into character as he stomps through the living room; rather than going into a festive “Ho ho ho, you don’t want to end up on my naughty list!”, he merely snaps at his grandson for casually spreading filth all over the house. It’s possible that Marvin is fooled because only the jolly old St. Nick would have the superhuman reserves of love and forgiveness necessary to resist throttling the little monster right there; on the other hand, the real Santa would know that Marvin is being good, for Marvin: instead of just dumping out easy-to-pick-up trash, he could be shitting everywhere.

Crankshaft, 12/16/09

Crankshaft, meanwhile, is doing exactly what you’d think he’d do as Santa: providing unnecessarily convoluted and awkward set-ups for jokes, and terrifying little children until they’re on the brink of tears.

Dennis the Menace, 12/16/09

I do believe that Dennis is getting some of his menace back! The image of an unruly mob of children looting Santa’s workshop is a delightful one, as is the thought of the desperate elves vs. tots battle that would be the logical prelude.

Dick Tracy, 12/16/09

Oh, sneaky long-haired son of the long-haired conductor of long-hair music, this is Dick Tracy! The phrase “If you can stop beating me…” will not compute for anyone. It will just earn you more beatings!

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/11/09

Ever since it became clear that Summer was going to take up gainful employment at Montoni’s, Funky Winkerbean followers have asked themselves, “How will this plotline end in a terribly depressing conclusion?” The answer emerges today: age-inappropriate romance! Summer (who is supposed to be 16-ish) will against all odds fall for the smooth moves of morose loser Mopey Pete (who is supposed to be 26-ish) not because of the smoothness of said moves but because he has the advantage of not being a 16-year-old boy (and in Westview, sullen kleptomaniac Corey Winkerbean is apparently the best on offer in that department). Awkward, furtive romance will ensue, with possible negative outcomes including but not limited to: teen pregnancy, father-daughter rift, parent-on-boyfriend assault, statutory rape charge, parent-on-boyfriend assault interrupted by parental heart attack, ill-advised secret wedding, and (unrelated, but still inevitable) cancer.

Dennis the Menace, 12/11/09

While I’m all for stickin’ it to the man, I would argue that Dennis should stop focusing on the logical paradox that the sign represents and instead point out that happy family of three keeping on the grass right over there, on that hill. This police officer is regarding Dennis with a weary squint that says to me that he’s looking for an excuse to bust some heads, so its probably best to deflect his hostility rather than to explicitly ask for it.

Joey’s sartorial choices are always interesting! A short-sleeved sweater over a short-sleeved dress shirt is a remarkably bizarre outfit for a child, but, as ever, someone has got to make Dennis look menacing, if only by comparison.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/11/09

I must give props to today’s FBOFW new-run for depicting what it’s like to be a tiny person whose mother looms over you terrifyingly and ruins all your fun. In panel one, Ellie’s menacing pelvis is particularly striking.

Mark Trail, 12/11/09

It seems now that each new Mark Trail will offer another installment in the hilarious series of opportunities Mark is being given to let Rusty drown. While each obstacle is easy enough to overcome individually, when taken as a whole they should perhaps be understood as the universe itself wanting Rusty dead. Still, I’m sure Mark will courageously do some breaking and entering in order to find a special sand-compatible car jack, which leads me to wonder just how badly Mark will be willing to violate his moral code in order to save Rusty’s life. What if the urchin’s only hope is for Mark to grow a beard that the little twerp can grab onto so as to be pulled to safety? Would Mark make that ultimate sacrifice?

Judge Parker, 12/11/09

I would like it if any of my readers in the law enforcement of criminal lawyering industries could back me up here on just how insane the current Judge Parker plot developments are. To recap: Sam has dispatched one his firm’s lawyers to his client’s house so as to remove evidence from the scene that would exonerate said client. Had the police found the note — and had, say, lawyer Steve made a point of being present when the note was found — it would have become part of the evidence of the case, available to both sides in the trial, and there would have been a paper trail describing when and where it was found. But now it’s in possession of the defendant’s lawyers, which means that the prosecution can just say it’s a post facto fabrication.

Now, if the local police were terribly corrupt, Sam might have legitimate fears that they would “lose” any evidence damaging to their case, in which scenario Sam might gamble that getting the note illicitly would be better than nothing. Local law enforcement is corrupt, of course, but it’s corrupt in the sense that it favors Sam and his rich asshole friends, so this move makes even less sense. Calling the cops and taunting them by describing his painfully stupid move immediately after he made it is just moronic icing on the legal misconduct cake.

Apartment 3-G, 12/11/09

OH SNAP MARGO JUST GOT PAID! She’s putting on a halfway decent show for Tim — “if I purse my lips like this, that … that looks like grief, right?” — but clearly she’s already counting the money. Now that’s she independently wealthy, she can give up all of her half-assed attempts at earning a living and dedicate herself to plotting evil full time, which is going to be pretty fantastic.