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Mary Worth, 8/22/06

So the truth is revealed! Aldo isn’t a murderer — he’s just a sad, neglectful drunk. At least the booze might go a little way towards explaining his otherwise inexplicable lust for Mary.

Mark Trail, 8/22-3/06

So now we know what heartless mustachioed fiend is set to menace lovable Molly the bear: this bee-loving cad! Normally, his obsession with his insect friends would make him an animal lover and thus a good guy in the world of Mark Trail, but his senseless chicken-kicking in panel two of today’s strip indicates that his apiphilia has driven him so deranged that he would do anything — even senselessly murder a lovable, kissy-faced trained bear — to protect his precious, precious hives. Clearly, he needs a good solid Trailian punch to the jaw to set him straight.

I like the fact that our omniscient narrator lets us know that Molly doesn’t know what to do for more probably-dead Buck. What do you want from her? She’s not a trained medical professional. Also, she’s a GODDAMNED BEAR.

Dennis the Menace, 8/23/06

Dennis: Growing less menacing by the day.

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Dennis the Menace, 7/27/06

I’m not sure if that’s Mr. the Menace in the background with the surfboard, but Dennis clearly is learning at the beach that his dad’s no paragon of hunkery. In this twisted act of marital warfare, he shows that he’s taking his menacing out of the world of mere mischief and into the dark realm of psychological destruction.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/27/06

Yeah, because it was so much more naughty back when it was up … on her … thigh? My guess is that in the original joke, the tattoo was somewhere a bit below something a lot naughtier (on her stomach?) and then the powers at be forced the poor strip back into the Herb and Jamaal Prison of Blandness and Inoffensiveness. (It’s not the first time it’s happened, either.)

Pluggers, 7/27/06

OK, even when I hate Pluggers, I generally get Pluggers, but this is just baffling. Do non-Pluggers hold their dogs in such contempt that they just say things that excite them, not caring about the emotional roller-coaster ride it puts them on? Do non-Pluggers just have extremely stupid dogs? Or maybe it’s that Pluggers are themselves quasi-beasts, and so their language is close enough to that of the true dogs that interspecies communication is almost possible? Or maybe, just maybe, it’s stupid and doesn’t make any sense and DAMN YOU PLUGGERS FOR MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL.

Anyway, if you’d like a little Pluggers spoofery from the fellow who brought you that TDIET takeoff the other day, click here.

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Pluggers, 7/7/06

OK, now I’m starting to get freaked out. Twice is a coincidence, but three times is pretty damn peculiar.

For Better Or For Worse, 7/7/06

Gosh, Elizabeth, that sounds like quite a lot of things to do! But it’s understandable that you’d be so busy when you’re switching jobs and moving all at once. That can be pretty stressful. At least you have a stable relationship you can rely on for emotional support. Say, what was that first thing you said you had to do again?

Wait, I didn’t quite catch that … where are you getting your car?

Good ol’ Gordo! I wonder whose happy, smiling, perky face you’ll see at the cappuccino bar while Gordon’s looking up the prices for the undercoating?

Been nice knowing you, Paul.

Mary Worth, 7/7/06

Speaking of sad sacks with mustaches, I give you … Aldo Kelrast! Whose last name is, as many Jumble aficionados in the comments pointed out, an anagram for stalker. And whose chest hair is on proud display. This would be acceptable if he was sporting some colorful ethnic garment from the Mediterranean, but a off-red polo shirt? Squaresville.

The Phantom, 7/6-7/06

OK, I had to back up a day to show you the awesome set-up for the Big Purple Dude’s two-panel-long slapathon. He has to psych himself up, thought-balloon-style, in order to not punch someone. These two strips also showcase two of the Ghost Who Slaps’ special powers: his super-scary voice and his awesome stripey ass.

Dennis the Menace, 7/7/06

Then it’d be a Plugger library! Haw haw! OK, that was just mean.