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Mary Worth, 10/6/16

Ever since Mary implied to Iris that maybe her adult son spiraled down into unemployment and pill addiction because she was going to school and not mothering him 24/7, Iris has been very involved in Tommy’s life! Some might say … too involved, like that time she sat through a whole therapy session with him. Anyway, Iris, you should not be going to Narcotics Anonymous with him, because that pretty much breaks all the rules. Why not check out Nar-Anon instead, if you’re so keen on going to a meeting? That organization is specifically for the families and friends of those dealing with drug addiction. That name again is Nar-Anon. Not Narconon. Under no circumstances should you go to Narconon. No, wait, actually, it would be pretty hilarious if you went to Narconon. “Tommy, I know you’ve gotten a lot out of the Bible, so here are some more books with even more helpful tips!” [Hands him Dianetics, Battlefield Earth, and all ten volumes of the Misson Earth dekology]

Dick Tracy, 10/6/16

Probably “bare the marks of an addict” is just a garden-variety typo, but I’m hoping it’s a look into Dick’s attitude towards the public he ostensibly serves: whenever he encounters someone he suspects might be polluting his mind and body with illicit substances, he uses his will to power to force them to bare the marks that reveal their crimes against society and themselves, so he can arrest them with maximum contempt.

Spider-Man, 10/6/16

Like many 42-year-olds, my eyesight has been in decline in a couple different ways for at least three years, and last month I finally bit the bullet and got bifocals, with lenses for both reading and computer use, and it literally felt like I had gone to Lourdes and gotten faith-healed. What I’m saying is, as a guy who can suddenly read laundry care labels with ease and sits a normal distance away from his monitor again, I understand Egghead’s urge to talk about his “magnifying goggles” as if he’s dealing with some piece of high-tech supervillainry equipment, but, Egghead, my man: those are clearly just glasses.

Mark Trail, 10/6/16

You know, if Mark freakin’ Trail interrupts you and redirects the conversation when in you’re the middle of spouting a bunch of nature facts, maybe you should think long and hard about how to work those nature facts into conversations more organically.

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Spider-Man, 9/27/16

Using Spider-Man as a lens through which to satirize the contemporary media landscape is one of my running jokes that I am reasonably sure is primarily for my own enjoyment, though, you know, if I’m wrong, please contact me about doing a J. Jonah Jameson-centered Marvel Cinematic Universe Netflix series called Bugle! Anyway, one strand of said show would involve Spider-Man’s awkward position in being both a superhero and someone who profits from the public’s hunger for superhero-themed content. And just as news outlets’ coverage decisions are more and more influenced by web traffic and Facebook sharing behavior, what’s to say Spider-Man won’t start engaging in clickbait superheroics? If he determines that, say, photos of Spidey battling Doc Ock get more pageviews than photos of him sparring with the Shocker, will he allows the latter to commit crimes unmolested? Will his dignity allow him to follow through on the implications of the viral success of Buzzfeed’s “Top 10 Spider-Fail GIFs We Can’t Stop Laughing At”? The thing that, in the long run, will save him from falling into this trap is probably his total incompetence as a journalist; he can’t even figure out that hiding a tiny point-and-shoot camera in a tree forty feet away from the house where he’s about to confront a not terribly photogenic opponent is a bad idea, so presumably he’s completely incapable of getting useful data out of the Daily Bugle’s Chartbeat analytics dashboard.

Blondie, 9/27/16

Elmo is, in his quiet way, the most unsettling character in Blondie: an elementary-school-age child who seems to have few friends and no family and just hangs out a lot at the home of an adult non-relative. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but for me today’s revelation that Elmo also apparently spends time with Dagwood’s next door neighbor and best friend definitely makes things substantially weirder.

Dick Tracy, 9/27/16

Let’s give a big shoutout to the Colvard Institute, D.C.’s #1 think-tank for providing anti-extraterrestrial talking points to elected officials on both sides of the aisle! I certainly hope that, after they had their summer intern multiply two times three and get six and then multiply six by three thirteen times, they decided that was the equivalent at least ten billable hours.

Beetle Bailey, 9/27/16

I gotta say, if you had asked me what Beetle Bailey character was running an underground pharmaceutical ring, I would’ve guess Cosmo, or maybe Killer. Plato wouldn’t have even been on my list of suspects!

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Hagar the Horrible, 9/26/16

I’ve slowly come to believe that the episodes of Viking life we see in Hagar the Horrible aren’t disconnected vignettes in some timeless comic-strip eternal now, but actually a coherent story told out of sequence, if only we can piece it together. Today, I think, comes somewhere close to the end. Usually it’s Hagar and Eddie and their band who are raiding castles, as you would expect from a mobile band sustained by plunder. But now they find themselves in the position of defending a castle. Presumably they managed to capture a stronghold, somewhere in the temperate south, and after butchering everyone inside decided to trade their thatched fjord-side huts for the chance to live like Frankish barons. And what did they get for it? Just the responsibility of fighting off the next band of Norsemen who came sailing up the river in their longships. The men have gone all soft, expecting the comfort of prepared food instead of just scarfing down whatever could be hunted or gathered. Was it worth it? Was this really victory?

Dick Tracy, 9/26/16

Ooh, looks like Dick Tracy is going to do an Aliens Are A Metaphor For Those We Deem As “Others” plotline, beloved in scifi and scifi-ish franchises everywhere! Haha, who could’ve guessed that when Dick Tracy did a plot where the government set up internment camps, Dick would be against them.